“Jake, I have to go. I can’t be late.” She covered her face with her hands then dropped them to her side. “I’m sorry.”
She looked on the verge of tears and it killed him not to kiss her, but she was already climbing behind the wheel, rushing, worrying.
This was a jumping-off point. He knew for most people it wouldn’t be, that one night in bed wouldn’t land them here, but this was Paige, and there was Casey and…His jaw tightened with the painful thought that maybe this shouldn’t happen. Maybe she did have too much going on and maybe there was no possible way he could be everything they needed.
What made him think he could be a father now when he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, before? He watched Paige drive away with Rachel’s words echoing in his head.
You don’t deserve a family.
Chapter 18
Later that night, Paige sat at her kitchen table with her thick textbook on the Roman Empire open in front of her. She’d put Casey to bed over an hour ago and so far she’d made eight flash cards and read the same page three times. But she’d made some really nice ink spirals while she daydreamed about Jake.
It was hard to concentrate on Caesar when her body was still throbbing in places that had never been touched. The words blurred and all she saw was Jake over her, spearing her with heated brown eyes. Or under her as she lay on top of him, kissing her way across his broad chest and shoulders. She could probably write a ten-pound textbook on the varied and extensive beauty of Jake McKinney. And he knew what to do with each and every part.
The trailer door opened and she looked up and watched Jenny come in. “Hey.” She’d left Jenny a message, but she hadn’t seen her to give her an update. Jenny dropped her purse and went to the fridge.
“You’re home early. Have fun?”
“Yeah.” Jenny poured herself a glass of milk and joined her at the table, grabbing a cookie from the paper plate in front of her. “Yum.”
“Casey and I made slice and bake.” She studied her cousin. “You didn’t have too much fun if you’re home at ten, having a glass of milk.”
Jenny shrugged and bit into the sugar cookie. “I think we should talk about you. You slept over last night.” She waggled her eyebrows.
“Yeah.”
“Well, come on, girl, spill. Was it good? Tell me everything.”
Everything would be way too much to tell. She’d come undone under his very capable hands and mouth. It was impossible not to. One night in his arms and she felt like something huge had changed inside her.
Jenny leaned her face in close. “My God. Are you about to cry? If you are I’d say it was way better than good.”
“It was…incredible. He was incredible.”
Jenny squealed and sat back.
“But it definitely wasn’t the responsible thing to do.”
“I bet it was worth it,” Jenny said, picking out another cookie.
“Yeah, but there’s a battle going on inside me, complete with swords and Roman headgear, shouting about shame and stupidity, while my heart and my body are more like Julie Andrews spinning on top of a mountain.”
“I’d go with Julie Andrews. I mean, look at their faces.” Jenny tapped on the open textbook. “Those people do not look happy. No singing songs and eating jam and bread going on there.”
No, but fun and happiness didn’t always lead to a better future. She knew that. So why was this so hard? Why was her heart putting up such a fight? “I’ve got Casey and—”
“And everything you do is for Casey.”
“Yes, it is.” Because that’s what she’d promised her daughter before she’d even been born. That every choice she made would be putting her first. “Last night I was thinking of myself.”
“Is that so bad? Does taking care of Casey exclude doing anything for yourself? Would it hurt to have both?”
“Maybe. I mean I wanted him, so much that I stopped thinking about anything else.” Her eyes fell closed. “I was getting lucky with my daughter sleeping right down the hall.”
Jenny broke off a piece of cookie. “Is that what it was? Getting lucky?”
“No.” It was way more than that, which scared her even more.
“So, what comes next?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know what should come next. I don’t even know what I want to come next.”
“I call liar on that one.” Jenny stood and took her glass to the sink.
True. She’d like about ten more nights in a row exactly like last night. “With the way I ran out of there this morning, I’ll be lucky if anything happens at all.”
“Mmm. Let me guess, you woke up and your intense sense of duty and work and striving for perfection kicked in, and you ran out of there with your tail on fire.”
“Pretty much.” She’d considered coming home in the middle of the night, but waking Casey, driving home at midnight, hadn’t seemed like a good mom move either. So she’d stayed, slept with her body pressed tight to Jake’s. Maybe what scared her the most was how much she wanted to feel him there again. How much she wanted to be with him in any capacity.