As Ellie made her way down the front walk and across the cement drive, Amelia blinked rapidly, knowing that if she started to get emotional now, there was no hope of keeping things under control as she broached more difficult subjects. Okay, if she talked to Ellie. The idea was becoming more and more overwhelming, panic crawling up her spine and shoulders and neck in a prickly heat. She shifted in her seat, her faded blue yoga pants feeling sticky and hot rather than comfortable. Nervous, she pressed the button to unlock the car doors several times.
“Hey, long shift,” Ellie said, her voice dragging with exhaustion as she jumped into the passenger-side seat. “Got called to a fire in Frampton, and there was this little boy who hid in his toy box when he got scared. The guys found him and got him out, but he’s so burned, M. Like, seventy-five percent of his body burned.”
“Oh my God.” A shiver went through Amelia, cooling the fiery nervousness that was invading moments before. It was the same chill she always seemed to get when someone in her family talked about the things they saw on the job. She was proud of their service and sacrifice and all that other stuff, but she wasn’t one of them. She didn’t run into burning buildings or put dressings on burned flesh or look into the eyes of a child who was burned beyond recognition and tell him that everything was going to be okay.
In fact, at this point in her life, Amelia had come to believe that rarely did everything turn out okay. Amelia pulled away from the station as Ellie continued to share her difficult call.
“I . . . I don’t get why people don’t make those stupid fire-escape plans. It’s not even that hard. They talk about it in school, and now Carl won’t . . .” She trailed off, and Amelia recognized the reaction. Steve used to get this way too after a hard call, wanting to talk but not wanting to share too much, the emotion finally hitting and becoming overwhelming. That was when Steve would go for a run or grab an extra bottle of beer or kiss her in that I want you way that always made her knees wobble.
“I mean, you guys even have one of those flexible ladders in all the bedrooms, right? I remember when Steve got it, he said, ‘God, can you tell a former firefighter lives here?’ And the kids know a plan to get out, right?”
At the cheerful mention of Steve, Amelia found her own emotions getting heavy. It usually made her feel proud when Ellie gushed about Steve—she loved that her sister looked up to her husband and felt like he was a brother to her—but not today. Today it just reminded her that she was going to break that vision of him into a million pieces, and then Ellie would have to figure out a way to put it all back together into a new picture that made sense.
“Yeah, we had a family meeting like two months ago. Why don’t you ask them about it sometime? It might be helpful to run through the basics.” Amelia turned onto Main Street and without asking, slowed in front of Frank’s. “Want to have breakfast with me?” Amelia glanced at her phone. It was nearly noon. “Okay, breakfast for lunch?”
She tried to put as much excitement into the question as possible, eyebrows raised playfully. Ellie, despite the hard call and the exhaustion that hung heavy on her shoulders, nodded and smiled.
“I’ll never turn down breakfast at Frank’s.” Her smile quirked to one side. “But I thought we were going to your place. Steve said he had a book on treating burns I could grab.”
Amelia’s foot came off the brake, and though it was not exactly legal, she did a giant U-turn in the middle of Main Street, crossing the double line and swooping so close to the line of cars parked on the other side of the road that Ellie clenched the armrest, her unpainted nails blanching white.
“We can go home,” Amelia said, righting the car and starting to understand why Randy manhandled the car on the day that Dawson was taken. Control over something so big made her feel less like she was losing it.
“Whoa, hello, crazy driver.” Ellie stared at her sister. “What’s up, M? You seem off. Was it the kid? Sorry, I know you don’t like those kinds of stories.”
Amelia kept her eyes forward, not wanting to have this conversation in the car.
“No, it wasn’t that. Steve and I just had a fight, and he isn’t my favorite topic of conversation. So, I’m glad he’s your BFF that you text after a hard day at work, but we are going through a rough patch.”
She hit her driveway at full speed, which made them both bump out of their seats. If Steve had been in the car, his head would’ve crashed into the ceiling. Amelia slowed the car as they sped up the gravel drive.
“Dang, M, he got you mad.” Ellie unbuckled her seat belt and looked over her sister one more time. “We didn’t have to come here first. I wasn’t asking that. You know that, right?”
Amelia’s gray crewneck collar was starting to feel tight. It was easier to keep things secret. Telling was too hard. Why tell Ellie? Why ruin her vision of marital bliss right as she was starting to envision her own?
“I know. I’m being a baby. You go get your book. Steve and I will be fine. It was just a little fight, nothing big.” She explained it all away with a few sentences and a wave of her hand. Lying was easier. Ellie’s fingers played against the door handle before they stilled and wrapped around the smooth silver surface.
“I’m sure you’re not being a baby, but let’s talk about this over breakfast.” She cracked the door open and let one foot hang out. “I might as well get the book, right?”
“Of course,” Amelia said, feeling sick that she’d almost told Ellie, that she’d made the mistake of thinking she could tell anyone.
“I’ll be fast, I swear.” With a swoosh of her messy ponytail and a slam of the door, Ellie ran the short distance up the drive toward the office door. The first few steps looked painful to Amelia, but soon her strides became regular, and she leaped up the steps.
Amelia, who’d been clenching the steering wheel since her spontaneous U-turn, collapsed against it as soon as Ellie was out of sight. Those moments, as she sat in darkness, eyes closed to the light, were the most peaceful and refreshing she’d had since Steve said those words, “I’m in trouble.” If she was honest, she was exhausted, and it wasn’t just the one night of no sleep. It was life. No matter how hard she tried, Amelia could never catch up, and just when she thought she had a way out of the crush of debt and the heavy weight of feeling never good enough, Randy also turned out to be someone she didn’t even know. In fact, she didn’t recognize any of the men in her life.
Her father was trapped or lost inside his injured mind. Steve had been lying to her for who knew how long about his business and debt. Caleb was still a confounding mirage that she was afraid of one minute and laughing with the next. As least she had Ellie—steady, strong, hardheaded Ellie.