Paul actually does not want to be surprised. I know for a fact that it is killing him not to know. The man lays out his clothes the night before work and folds everything in an obsessively neat pile. He wants to have a plan of action for everything, but he didn’t fight my mom on this because he’s suddenly become a weenie. She’s become even more powerful with the pregnancy because almost everything makes her cry, and Paul can’t handle that. He’d rather give her anything she wants than watch her get upset, which means they are going to have some serious discipline problems as it is with this kid.
My mom told me to invite Maya to keep me company because Paul’s mom is going to be there, and even though she’s forbidden from talking to anyone about me, she’s still annoying as hell. So Maya is coming.
Maya came over while I was taking inventory of the kitchen. She made the list of ingredients I’d need and sat dutifully while I pulled out equipment and then tucked things away. Every so often, she’d look up at me and smile, and I’d remember that we were basically in the house alone. We didn’t have Academic Team to study for anymore, no homework that needed to be done immediately, and nobody was really watching us.
It was easy to take her hand and gently pull her to my room. Easy to close the door silently behind us. But when I edged toward the bed, she shook her head and pulled me toward my desk chair instead.
She sat in my lap facing me. Her top might have come off. My pants might have been unzipped. But then the garage door opened, and we both scrambled to put clothes back on and race to the kitchen before my mom could open the door.
I cannot overstate this. I don’t think I’ve ever been more frustrated in my life. I kept thinking that if my mom hadn’t come home, would we have done it? It always feels like she’s ready when we’re together, but maybe that’s just because I’m a guy and I’ve been ready since, well, I’ve been ready for a while.
After Maya left, Rebecca spent the next several hours throwing me casual glances that might have been smirks. She seemed pleased with herself about something. She twirled her fingers in her hair and grinned.
My mom asked me why I looked so distracted. I’m pretty sure I didn’t respond.
DOSAGE: 4.5 mg. Same dosage. Will decrease next week.
MARCH 27, 2013
Yes, I feel fine. Normal headaches. Normal hallucinations. Nothing new. Well, that’s not entirely true. Something is new.
Catholic schools have a lot of celebrations and recitals that require students to sacrifice valuable class time to practice. We waste an exorbitant amount of time sitting around in church so our homeroom teacher isn’t embarrassed when we have to perform in front of the whole school. We are her responsibility. If we suck, she’s to blame.
In this case, our entire junior class was in church. I was onstage in full costume, including the ridiculous fake crown of thorns, because this was our final dress rehearsal for the Stations of the Cross. The whole thing was a gigantic pain in the ass made worse by Sister Catherine’s insistence that I stand the entire time to try to understand our Savior’s pain. Because getting a leg cramp and an itchy forehead is basically the same as being murdered in front of a crowd of people you’ve known your whole life.
When the last station was done, it was late in the afternoon already. All the nonessential soldiers and narrators had left for whatever sport was having practice that day. Maya had walked off with the other girls to change back into her uniform. I just stood there, messing with my beard, waiting to be excused, feeling grateful that it would all be over by next week.
Sister Catherine looked up at me approvingly and then handed me the key to the tiny storage room behind the church. It had been my responsibility to walk my elongated cross back there at the end of every practice, lock up, and drop the key in the main-office mail slot when I was done. I didn’t bother changing out of my costume first. It was just as deserted as always. All the props and robes were neatly labeled in boxes. Jerseys and old sporting equipment were stacked in a heap to the side.
I rested the cross on the two pegs they’d made for me and turned to walk out when I saw Maya in the doorway. She’d changed back into her uniform already and was holding a blue sheet in her hand, her Mary Magdalene costume. I remember every detail about the way she looked in that moment, but I can’t tell you what she said before she closed the door behind her and walked toward me. I remember knowing that she wanted me in the same way that I wanted her and that she wasn’t going to push me away this time. Even so, I let her come to me. I wanted it to be her idea, not because I was afraid of doing anything she didn’t want, but because I liked the way it felt to be chosen. Not just by anyone—by her.
We didn’t speak the whole time. We undressed each other and then laughed when we realized I couldn’t get my Jesus beard off without the adhesive remover, so I left it on. One of the nice things about being so much bigger than she is, is being able to pick her up like it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done, because it basically is. So I lifted her up and kissed her, holding her against my chest before gently setting her down on the folded costume I’d just taken off.
The really bizarre thing is that I wasn’t nervous even though I knew we were both virgins. I might have been nervous if it had been planned. If I’d had more time to dwell on it. But in the moment I wasn’t afraid of anything. I didn’t worry about not being able to get it up. Not being able to last. Not being sexy enough for her. Not being big enough for her. I didn’t worry about it because I knew I loved her, even though I hadn’t told her yet.
It wasn’t Hollywood sex. Nobody screamed or broke anything, but after a while I felt her body rise and I smiled in relief. Hearing her come with short, excited breaths and watching her eyes open wide was something out of a dream. Especially when she said my name.
Having an orgasm is pretty awesome, but giving Maya an orgasm was the best moment of my life.
Even afterward, neither of us had anything to say. We just couldn’t stop smiling. And it wasn’t weird even though I had my hand on her boob and she had hers on my penis. We stayed like that for a long time before Maya looked at her phone and then looked at me with regret.
“Yeah, we should go,” I said. We got dressed slowly and checked outside the door to make sure no one was there before walking to the front office to drop off the key. I was wearing my regular uniform again, but the Jesus beard was still firmly glued to my face. Every time Maya looked at me, her mouth broke into a grin.
When she dropped me off at home, we still hadn’t talked about what had just happened, but she’d held my hand while she drove. And when she kissed me, she put her hand up to my cheek and said, “See you tomorrow?”
I nodded. We’d had sex in a storage room like it was something we did every day.