Without Merit

“You’re asking the wrong person. I don’t think I value it as much as most people.”

“I hope to God I don’t, either.” I don’t want it to rule my entire life and every decision I make. It seems that way with my father. With Victoria. With my mother. I want sex to be meaningless so it has absolutely no control over me. In fact, it would be great if I could just get it over with.

I roll over onto my side and prop my head up on my hand. “Luck?”

He’s staring at me apprehensively. “What?”

I swallow nervously. “Do you think maybe . . . we could . . .”

Luck laughs, but I don’t crack a smile. I’m dead serious, even though I can’t seem to come out and ask him. When he sees that I’m not smiling, he lifts up onto his elbow. “No. I’m your uncle.”

“Step-uncle.”

“Not any better.”

“It’s by marriage.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I know you better than you knew Angela and you had sex with her.”

He narrows his eyes at that response. “You’re a virgin, Merit. I’m not having sex with you.” He falls onto his back like the conversation is over.

I’m not giving up. “You said yourself that people put too much weight on losing their virginity. I just want to get it over with. Sex doesn’t mean anything to you anyway.”

He’s quiet for a moment. And then, “Why? Why me? Why now?”

I shrug. “I’m not everyone’s cup of tea,” I say, repeating how he described himself to me yesterday. “I’ve never really had the opportunity to get it over with until now.”

He looks at me and I can see in his eyes that he’s contemplating it. I don’t know if it’s because he wants to help me or if it’s because he’s a guy and most guys would take me up on this offer without question.

“You don’t like me, do you?” he asks.

“In what way?”

“Are you attracted to me?”

I debate lying if it will help him make his decision, but I go with the truth instead. I don’t want him to think I like him when I don’t. Even if it would help my case right now. “No. Not really. I mean, I think you’re a good-looking guy. But I’d be lying if I said I was attracted to you.”

He stares at me a moment and then says, “Merit, you better be certain about this. Because sex is just sex to me and this won’t mean a damn thing to me.”

“I don’t want it to mean anything to you. That’s the point.”

“So it’s just a means to an end?”

I nod. “The end of my virginity.”

He studies me closely, waiting for me to change my mind. When he sees I’m not going to, he shrugs. “Okay, then. Let me grab a condom.” He hops out of the bed and I fall onto my back.

He said condom with an accent. He’s starting to sound more and more American now. And I can’t believe this is where my train of thought is when I just asked a guy to have sex with me. A guy I’m not even attracted to.

Is this really happening?

Do I want it to happen?

I do. I want to get it over with. Rip the Band-Aid off. I don’t want it to mean anything at all. I want it to be trivial with little effect on my life. I want to be the exact opposite of my parents.

When Luck returns, he closes the door and locks it. “Do you mind if I turn off the lamp?”

“I’d actually prefer it.”

He turns off the lamp and climbs into bed. We both crawl under the covers and begin to remove our clothes. “You sure about this, Merit?”

“Yep,” I say as I struggle my way out of my jeans. My heart is starting to race and my conscience is fighting to break through the wall I’ve put up. But I don’t stop until all my clothes are off. Once we’re both undressed beneath the covers, Luck scoots closer to me. “It probably won’t feel good,” he warns.

I don’t know why, but that comment makes me laugh.

“I’m serious,” he says. His hand meets my hip. “It might even hurt.”

“It’s fine. My expectations aren’t that high right now.”

He scoots closer and pauses with his hand still on my hip. “You want me to kiss you?”

I think about his question for a moment. I’m not sure that I even want to kiss him. Is that weird? Of course it is. This whole thing is weird. “I’ll leave that up to you.”

Luck nods, just as his hand slides up to my waist. It isn’t until he reaches my breast that I feel the weight of what’s about to happen. I try not to let it weigh too heavily.

It’s just sex.

I can do this.

Almost every adult in the world has done this.

I can do this.

He gently rolls me onto my back and then reaches for the condom. As he’s putting it on, a good thirty seconds go by that I could use to change my mind. But I don’t. Luck then rolls on top of me, holding his weight up with his hands on either side of my head. He brushes my hair back which is an oddly sweet gesture and then he reaches between us and spreads my legs.

I close my eyes. He presses his forehead into the pillow beside my head. “You sure?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

I keep my eyes closed and I try not to focus on the fact that I made such a spontaneous decision. But I can’t really think of any negative consequences that will come of this. I won’t have to worry about never losing my virginity and Luck will get to add another line to his book.

“Last chance to change your mind, Merit.”

“How long does it usually last?” I whisper.

Luck laughs in my ear. “You already hate it that much?”

I shake my head. “No, I just . . .” I stop talking. I’m making it even more awkward.

Just when I think I’m no longer going to be a virgin, my phone lights up. “Someone’s calling you,” Luck says. I glance to my left and fumble for my phone. I try to power it off, but the screen is still lit. Luck is just staring down at me. His face contorts and then he’s not on top of me anymore. He falls onto his back.

“I can’t do it.”

“Seriously?” I ask. “We were two seconds away!”

He nods. “I’m sorry. It’s just . . . when your phone lit up . . . you made this face that reminded me of Moby.”

I cringe.

“He kind of looks like you and Honor. It’s weirding me out.”

I pull the covers up over my breasts. “That’s gross.”

He doesn’t disagree. “Are you okay?”

I nod. “Yeah.” My voice isn’t very reassuring, though.

He turns on the lamp and then sits up. I look the other way as he removes his condom and pulls on his pants. “You aren’t mad at me, are you?”

I assume it’s safe to look in his direction now. He’s holding his shirt, looking pathetically regretful as he stares down at me. “No. I’m sure I can find someone to do it eventually.” I’m mostly kidding.

He gives me an apologetic, yet reassuring smile. “Whoever you have sex with, it’ll be better than what this would have been. I promise.”

I laugh. “Yeah, I’m not sure it can get much worse than what just happened.”

Luck flips me off. “I’m normally very impressive and have excellent follow-through. This is a rare exception.”