“So you’re just gonna leave your boyfriend for a guy you spent one night with? I mean, it’s your life, but seriously, you never learn.”
“Seth is not my boyfriend. We went on a couple of dates.”
“I still think you’re crazy.”
I went to the bathroom to grab toiletries. As I passed Adam, he shot me a huge grin. When I returned to my bedroom, I sat down next to Chucky.
“Adam is dying, okay? And they don’t think he has much longer to live. I’m going to do this. I’m going to take care of him. However long it takes. I’m doing it for me and for him. Do you understand, Charles?”
There was a hint of sympathy on his face. “Dad’s gonna freak.”
“Why?”
“Because he actually likes Seth.”
“He’s never even met him. He likes the idea of Seth.”
“But you said he was a good guy,” Chucky argued.
“He is,” I shot back. “That’s not the point. If Dad understood what I was doing, he’d support me. Now will you go out there with Adam and be nice?”
He shook his head but got up anyway and walked to the door. A moment later I overheard him making small talk with Adam.
When I finished packing, I found Adam and Chucky laughing on the couch. “Can you help us get down to the car, Chuck? I need to get Adam back to the hospital.”
“For this guy, no problem.”
While Adam stood between us, he leaned over toward me and pecked me on the lips. Chucky caught the moment but didn’t say anything.
We helped Adam into the car, then my brother followed me to the driver’s side. “I’ll talk to Dad. I get it, okay?”
“Thank you for understanding. I have to do this.”
“I know. But if you don’t really love him, don’t—”
“I can’t think about that right now, Chucky. It will all make sense someday.” I had a moment of déjà vu. Adam had said the exact same thing to me months ago.
“All right, sis.” We hugged and it felt awkward but I decided that if I hugged him more often, it wouldn’t feel that way. In that moment, I promised myself I would hug Chucky more.
* * *
ON THE WAY back to the hospital, Adam was quiet. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“Just feeling a little tired is all.”
Thankfully, there was only light traffic. The moment I entered the parking structure, Adam dropped his head and groaned.
“Oh, god, hold on, Adam. We’re almost there.” I floored it to the second level and zipped into the first open space. I ran to the back of the car and lifted the wheelchair out, then zoomed around to the passenger door. When I opened the door, Adam looked up at me with a pained expression. I bent and reached around his waist. He threw his arms over my shoulders so I could lift him into the chair.
While I was swiveling him over to the chair, his mouth was near my ear. “I didn’t picture this part,” he whispered. “I don’t like it.”
I set him down. “You don’t like me helping you?”
“It feels shitty. I want to hold you up, not the other way around.” Until that point, Adam had been all smiles and laughs.
“You’re not feeling well. I think you need your medication.”
“That’s not it,” he mumbled as I pushed him toward the elevator.
Back inside his hospital room, Leah, the nurse, came in right away and helped Adam get back into bed. She scurried around, hooking him back up to lines and dialing in his medications. She glanced at my overnight bag and then looked up into my eyes and smiled. “He’ll probably nap for a bit from the meds, and then he might need a sponge bath later. Did you want to . . .”
“I don’t think Adam wants me to do that.”
“What’s the difference?” he barked.
“What do you mean, Adam?” I went to the side of the bed.
He scowled. “You or her. It sucks either way. Charlotte, you don’t have to do any of this. You should just leave.”
“What’s come over you? A few hours ago you were so happy to see me.”
His eyelids got heavy; he started mumbling.
“Adam?” Leah said. “I’m going to lay your head back now.” She stood on the other side and pressed the button to recline the bed until he was lying flat.
She spoke to me in a hushed tone. “Can I talk to you in the hall?”
I nodded, and then followed her out of Adam’s room.
“So,” she said, “he has mood swings. I should have mentioned that before. The medication does it to him. You can’t take it personally.”
“I didn’t.”
“When he wakes up, he should be in a better mood and then maybe he’ll let you clean him up.”
“I don’t want to do that.”
Disappointment crossed her face. “Does that kind of thing bother you? Because . . .”
“Not at all. I just don’t want to do it because I want Adam to feel that he has some dignity left, okay? Especially with me. I have a couple of ideas for how to make his last days on earth pleasant.” I started getting choked up. “I don’t want to be the one who bathes him, or feeds him, or carries him around, okay? I’m just here to be with him.”
She was nodding. “I understand. It’s my job anyway. I just thought I would ask.”
I took a deep breath through my nose and out of my mouth. “I’ve had a long day. I’m gonna go nap in Adam’s room.”
I left Leah in the hallway so I could curl up on the horribly uncomfortable mini vinyl couch in Adam’s hospital room. Dozing off, I felt a blanket being draped over me. I opened one eye to find Leah standing there. “Thank you,” I said.
“No problem.”
19. Precisely
It was hard to tell what time it was when I woke up because the room was completely dark and cold. I felt around until my hand hit my purse sitting on a tray. It was five thirty. My stomach was rumbling with hunger and my mouth tasted disgusting. A member of the cafeteria staff knocked lightly on the glass door and then entered with a tray.
“He’s still sleeping?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I’ll wake him in a minute.”
“Okay.” She left the tray on his table and walked out.
The room was only lit from the stark fluorescent hallway light coming through the sliding doors to Adam’s room. I got up off the couch and stretched my aching muscles. When I went to reach for the light, I was startled to find a person standing in the doorway, silhouetted by the light from behind. It was Helen.
I walked toward her. “Hey. Let’s go out here; he’s sleeping.”
In the hallway, I hugged Helen and then pulled away and tried to read her expression. She looked confounded and she still hadn’t said anything. “What? Did Chuck tell you?” I asked.
“Yes.” She scanned me from head to toe. “You’re a mess.”
“I don’t care.”
“So all along he was looking for you?”
“I guess so.”
“You kind of were looking for him, too, weren’t you?”
“Maybe on the street. I was hoping to run into him.”
“I came to see what your plan was,” she said. “What are we supposed to tell Seth?”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “You don’t have to tell Seth anything. It’s between him and me. Anyway, he knows I came here. He told me to come here.”
“For what?”