She studied him, the quiet embracing her. “Because I was in survival mode? Doing what I had to do to survive rather than die?”
“Exactly.” Reese gave her a sympathetic look. “When I left the Corps, I agreed to go see a shrink. I lasted with her for three sessions. But it wasn’t wasted time. The woman was a civilian and hadn’t a clue about what it was like to be in the military or battle situations, but she did help me see myself and where I was at. For that, I’ll always be grateful to her.”
“She explained that you were in a survival reflex?”
“Exactly. Like you were when you were forced to come home and take over running the ranch.”
“It was hell,” she muttered. Shay paced the length of the kitchen. “I wanted to run away from all this responsibility, but how could I walk away from taking care of my father? Our family home? We’ve been in this valley for over 120 years.” She halted and made a choking sound. “I felt like I was dying all over again by living under this roof with my father. And yet, the fear of giving up on the ranch and letting it rot was ten times worse than what I was putting up with daily.”
“The devil you know versus the devil you don’t know,” Reese agreed. “We all choose the devil we know. It’s the fear of the great unknown that makes us freeze. We’re paralyzed because we don’t know what will happen if we strike out on our own. Been there, done that.”
She tilted her head, studying him intently. “You don’t seem like a man who’d run from anything, Reese. I know you have PTSD, but there’s something so solid and secure about you.” She opened her hands. “When I’m around you? All my anxiety goes away. That’s pretty amazing, and it has never happened to me before. You help me. Am I making sense?”
“A little,” he said. “That’s the old part of me that didn’t get wounded by the PTSD. I’ve always been like that.” Reese smiled a little. “My mother would tell you that I’m the Rock of Gibraltar.” His smile faded. “But that’s no longer true. The PTSD . . . well, it destabilized me. Like it does everyone, sooner or later.”
“Mmm,” Shay said, sitting back down. “Tonight at dinner?”
“Yes?”
“The guys are really starting to naturally gravitate to you, Reese. It’s not because you were a captain in the Marine Corps, either. It’s that steadiness you have; you exude leadership energy. I look so forward to meals with you. I’m not as good at assessing people as you are, but even I can see that Garret, Noah, and Harper all respect you. When you talk, they really listen and listen hard.”
Shrugging, Reese said, “I honestly hadn’t noticed.” And he hadn’t, too wrapped up in his own internal processes, his confidence having taken such a hit two years ago. “And don’t sell yourself short: You see people very clearly. You picked us.” He let a grin curve the side of his mouth.
“You know how to make me feel good,” she whispered, giving him a soft smile, gratefulness shining in her eyes. She opened her hands. “Just being around you, Reese, you make me feel more confident about myself.”
“Well,” he drawled, teasing her, “maybe we’ll just rub off on one another a little at a time. In a good way.”
“It is good,” she said, her voice filled with sudden emotion. “Living with you”—she gestured toward the ceiling—“you never raise your voice. You always respect a person talking to you and you don’t interrupt them. That’s so refreshing to me.”
Anything would be, Reese thought. Her father probably interrupted her all the time and discounted anything she said or suggested. There was no respect given from father to daughter. He felt Shay’s pain because she felt responsible for Ray Crawford. And it was that push-pull between them, blood ties that would never be broken. Shay was suffering deeply from it and now Reese understood better why she had chronic insomnia and shadows beneath her eyes. It wasn’t the amount of work she was doing around the ranch. No, it was dealing with her father on an emotional battlefield three days a week that she had no control over. But maybe, she did.
Reese felt a fierceness to protect her rise in his chest. It took everything not to reach out and haul her into his arms and allow her to feel a bit of safety for a while. Not all men were like Crawford.
“My dad taught me a long time ago that everyone was my teacher. They had something to give me,” Reese told her. “It might be an awareness. Maybe an idea. Or a way to fix something. All I had to do was listen and not interrupt.”
Shay sighed and finished off her glass of water. “I’d so like to meet your parents.” She gave him an ironic look. “You’re going to think I’m a horrible person, but as a kid, I used to lie in my bed at night creating a father that I could love. A man who loved me. Who never yelled at me or made me feel bad about myself . . .”
“No shame in that. I’ve seen my share of young Marines who’ve come out of homes like yours and they think and wish the same things. It’s normal.”
She gave him a relieved look. “Truly?”
“Scout’s honor.”