Wild Card (North Ridge #1)

“The Rachel I knew,” he goes on, “could lie in a field for hours and be entertained by the clouds.”

“Yeah, well that Rachel didn’t have a job to worry about and bills to pay.”

“That Rachel was a lot more fun.”

I give him the stink-eye. “Hey, I’m still fun.”

“I doubt it,” he says, turning his back to me to pay attention to Polly.

“Hey,” I say again, really annoyed now. “Don’t pretend like you know me. You don’t. I may have changed but it doesn’t mean I’m some fussy city bitch now.”

He looks over his shoulder at me, frowning. “I would never think that of you.”

My throat feels thick as I swallow. “Oh.”

“I’m just saying…when you were young, the word bored wasn’t in your vocabulary. And believe me, you had a lot to worry about then. I know.”

And just like that, all our history hits me square in the chest. Everything I’d gone through in the past, it was something I’d only told a handful of people throughout my whole life. There was Shane. My mother. And a few shrinks and counselors. Samuel doesn’t know. None of my boyfriends did. None of my friends either.

I’m looking at one of the few people, if not the only person, who knows the deepest, darkest parts of me. The pull I feel toward him is indescribable.

He knew them all and he left you, the voice inside me says. What does that say about him? About you?

“Hey,” he says gently, taking steps toward me until he’s just a foot away. He peers down at me and I can’t help but stare up at him. He runs the tip of his finger between my brows. “No frowning. Those are the ranch rules.”

I close my eyes at his touch, trying desperately to feel grounded. One simple touch and I feel like I just might float away.

He takes his hand away but doesn’t step back. I can feel the heat coming off of him. He smells like hay and cold water, and everything inside me is slowly coming alive.

“You really want to help?” he asks, his voice bringing me back.

I nod, opening my eyes to meet his.

“You can start by laughing again.”

“Laughing?” I repeat.

“Yeah. Laughing. You have the most beautiful laugh, Rachel. Why do you think I spent so many years trying to make you laugh?”

“I thought I was always trying to make you laugh.”

“Maybe,” he says. “But I think it would do you good.”

I give him a wry look. “I’m not about to laugh on cue. Besides, I don’t have a lot to laugh about right now.”

“With your mom? I get it. But she’s going to be okay. And she’ll be even better than okay if she knows you’re okay.”

“But I’m not okay.”

There. I said it.

I’m not okay.

Shane watches me and gradually nods, looking off into the distance, squinting at the sun. “I know all of this is hard on you. It’s hard on me too.”

“How?”

He licks his lips. “I won’t pretend I know what it’s like to be in your shoes right now. I lost my mother before I even had the chance to know her.” He glances at me thoughtfully. “Or maybe that’s the same thing for you. That you never really had a chance to know your mother until now.”

I sigh, running my hand down my face. I’ve been dying to talk about this with someone, I just can’t believe that it’s Shane.

Or maybe I can believe it. Because it feels more than right.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” he says.

“No, no. It’s fine. I just…I don’t know where to start. When I told my boss that I was coming here, you know what he said? He said, if it’s just stage one cancer, then why do you have to go? And for a split second I almost agreed with him. Because that’s what I’ve trained myself to do. To pretend that she doesn’t exist, that we have nothing between us that counts.” I pause, cringing at how callous those thoughts were. “And then I thought, wait a minute. Why does my mother have to be on her fucking deathbed before I go? Why do people have to die or almost die before we decide we need to make things right? So that’s why I came. Because I should have come sooner and I wasn’t going to wait until later.”

“And how has it been?”

“I don’t know. She’s different. And maybe it’s because I’m different and I’m seeing her through new eyes, or maybe I’m the same and she’s changed, I don’t know. But it’s…both hopeful and scary at the same time. Hopeful because I think maybe we can move past it. Maybe I can forgive her, even if she doesn’t ask for forgiveness. And scary because, well…what if she hurts me again? What if she isn’t the mother I hope she can be? And what if I’m just…worthless all over again?”

Over those last words, I start choking up. Tears spring to my eyes, burning at the corners.

“Hey,” Shane says softly, dropping the hose and wrapping his arms around me. He does this without asking, without offering, holding me like it’s second nature.

And though I’m stiff at first because it feels like my heart is breaking for a million different reasons, it’s not long before I relax and let myself completely melt into him. It doesn’t matter that he’s wet, or that I haven’t been in his arms since before my life was turned upside down, or that he’s the one who tore it all up. None of that matters right now.

Somehow, though, I manage not to cry buckets and have a small bit of control. And it’s through that control that I realize that being in Shane’s arms is the absolute last place I need to be.

I pull back, putting space between us, and give him an awkward smile. “Sorry. I just…I guess I needed to talk.”

He’s still watching me, brimming with intensity. “Is that all you need to talk about?”

I breathe in deeply through my nose, trying to summon the courage. “No. I need to talk to you.”

He nods. “And I need to talk to you.”

I take another step back. “But honestly, I…I don’t want to get into it right now. I can’t.” Even just talking about my mom has put me in this extremely vulnerable state. I don’t want to rock the boat.

“I understand,” he says. “I just…” He runs his hand through his hair. “There are so many things I need to tell you. So many things I need you to know. And I know it probably doesn’t matter to you, but it matters to me.”

Suddenly, I’m afraid. Terrified to the core. Not of him. Of what he might say and how I might feel about it.

The last thing I want is to look at Shane with new eyes. I need to hold on to the anger and bitterness because I think that’s the only thing keeping my heart safe right now. It’s the only thing keeping my current life on course.

“Maybe some other time,” I tell him. “I only wanted to see if you needed help.”

He sighs, nodding. “Of course,” he says, looking around him before picking up the hose. “Honestly, today I’ve pretty much got things under control. I’d suggest we go for a ride but since I just washed Polly, maybe we should save that for another time. If you’re interested, of course.”

“Every time I was stressed out or sad, you’d always get me on a horse,” I say quietly, smiling at the memories.