“I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper, my eyes filling with tears again.
He closes his eyes, letting out a long breath, before opening them again. “You don’t really have me—not in the way that matters, not in the way that you used to.”
I know he’s not saying it to hurt me or to be cruel. He’s saying it because it’s the truth.
And fuck does the truth hurt.
A tear runs down my cheek, onto my lip, and into my mouth. I rub my face with my hand. Adam’s eyes track the movement.
“I’m not over you, Evie. I don’t think I ever will be. But I can’t be with you because I don’t trust you, and I don’t forgive you for leaving me the way you did.”
“I’m so sorry for leaving you. You have to know that by now.”
“I do know. I believe you when you say it. But how can I be with you, when I’ll just be waiting for the day you walk out the door? I can’t put myself through that again. I just can’t.” He takes a step away from me as his arms wrap around his chest, like he’s shielding himself from me.
“I’m not going anywhere, Adam. I’m here to stay. Forever.”
“Nothing’s forever. You taught me that.”
“That’s not true. And I’m not leaving again. I promise. I won’t leave you ever again.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I swear to you.” I’m pleading. What else can I do?
“You swore those exact words to me once before, in front of a minister, so to me, Evie, right now, your words mean shit.”
I feel frustrated and lost. I don’t know how to make him believe me, so I decide to just go for broke and tell him exactly how I feel.
“I love you,” I say. “I never stopped, not for one second.”
His eyes close, like he’s in pain. “Don’t…”
I climb off the bed, taking the sheet with me. I stand before him. “It’s the truth. I love you. I love you so much.”
“You don’t get to say that to me!” His eyes flick open, lit with anger again, and he steps back from me. “You have no fucking right to do this!” He turns away, his head in his hands, breathing heavy.
I want to touch him, hold him, but I know without a doubt that he’ll push me away, and I can’t handle any more rejection from him right now. I already feel like I’m falling to pieces.
Adam pulls in a shuddering deep breath. Lowering his hands from his face, he turns back to me.
“You’re killing me, Evie.” His voice is agonized. “You’re like a bullet lodged in my chest, and I can’t get you out. And you’re killing me. Slowly. So, I’m begging you…either tell me the truth—tell me why you left, and I’ll see if it’s something I can get past, see if we can move forward together, so I can try to learn to trust you again—or just…just fucking let me go. Please. Because I can’t keep doing this with you.”
My chest closes up, taking all my air with it.
I start to panic.
I feel trapped.
Because when you’ve held something in for as long as I have, keeping it a secret, it’s hard to let it out, to finally tell the truth.
Fear of the unknown keeps those words locked up tight inside of me.
I fear his reaction. I fear that he won’t see the rational side of what I did, that he’ll only see the betrayal.
I did what I had to back then, but will he see it that way?
My fear is that he won’t. And I don’t want to lose him.
But aren’t I going to lose him anyway?
Sinking down on the edge of the bed, I curl my fingers around the mattress, and I close my eyes, pushing more tears down my face. My lips are sealed tightly together as I contemplate.
But my silence is too long.
And he takes that as my answer.
Because when I open my eyes back up, he’s gone, and the bedroom door is swinging shut in his wake.
And this time, I don’t follow him.
“What about surfing?” I say, propping my feet up on the dashboard.