I feel giddy with excitement.
I place the rose on my bedside table, and then I set my alarm for six in the morning. So much for my sleep in. I’m getting up even earlier than I normally do for work.
But ask me if I care.
Not at all because I’ll be spending the day with Adam.
Oh God, am I in trouble. After having this time with him today, I’m feeling all kinds of crazy about him. So, what will I be like after a full day with him tomorrow?
I’ll be done for, that’s what I’ll be.
So, freaking done for.
Entering the water, I paddle out on my board, pushing through the waves. Paddling out farther, I need big waves.
I need to surf Evie out of my head.
I need the peace that only being out here can give me.
It’s been five days since our talk. I haven’t spoken to her since. I have caught glimpses of her on my way back in and out of the hotel as I pass by the coffee shop, but I’ve avoided going in there.
I’ve had to go to Starbucks. So, now, I’ve lost my decent fucking coffee as well.
I’ve been staying away from her for many reasons, and it’s not just the fact that she broke my heart. Seeing her again has screwed me up so much.
I knew I wasn’t over her—I’d have to be stupid to ever think I was—but I didn’t realize how badly I’d want her again. The urge to touch her and taste her was overwhelming. Just breathing the same air as her was fucking killing me.
Standing there, staring at her, I was eighteen all over again.
From the moment I’d seen Evie sitting up on that rock eleven years ago, I’d been obsessed.
I lusted her, then loved her, and then hated her. I’ve mentally chased her for the last ten years, never giving her up.
My obsession has always been there.
I never could get enough of Evie. And no matter what she’s done to me, whether I love her or hate her, I will always want her.
I fucking hate that.
I hate that she’s my weakness. She controls my life, and she’s not even a part of it.
Seeing her after all that time…it felt like it should have been more explosive, bigger somehow, epic—not just me yelling at her in a hotel room.
I’d spent that whole day pretending to listen at my shitty meetings when what I was actually doing was preparing in my head what I would say to Evie when I saw her, while also watching the clock like a fucking hawk.
Then, when the moment came, it didn’t go how I’d expected it to, and really, I still don’t have any answers.
I expected closure, needed it, but all I’ve got is a truckload of more fucking questions and the incessant urge to fuck her.
No matter what was happening between Evie and me, I always wanted her—even when she was pissing me off, which was not that often.
But wanting her now, after what she did to me…I’m not really sure what that says about me. Probably that I’m fucked up.
The woman shreds my heart and screws up my life, and all I can think about is getting her naked and fucking her.
That’s one of the reasons I’m avoiding her—because fucking Evie is the last thing I should do.
Also, I have something to tell her.
In my hypocrisy, I was fighting her for answers when I had a pretty big thing to tell her myself.
I fucked up in the worst way, and I’ve pretended for a long time that she deserved it. That it didn’t matter because I couldn’t find her, but now, she’s here, and it matters.
In my own pathetic way, I was punishing her by not telling her.
But now, it’s time. I have to tell her.
I just have to find the strength to see her again.
I see a big beautiful wave approaching, and I get that familiar feeling of adrenaline pumping through my veins. I’m so ready to ride Evie out of my head, even if only for a few precious seconds. I get up on my board. Then, I’m on the wave, riding it, but my thoughts are still scattered, and the peace I crave is nowhere to be seen.
Instead, I see is Evie’s perfect fucking face and I hear her voice in my head with way more clarity than I need right now.