I am so goddamned fucked.
“Oh, my God,” Riley whispers when I slide my hand off her mouth and onto her cheek. She doesn’t say it out of worry. She doesn’t say it out of panic, either. Her limbs are still wrapped softly around me. Her fingers are feathering through my hair, not pulling. She’s not tense. She loves what we just did. “CJ . . .” her voice cuts with a gasp and her body jars against mine when the door tries to open.
“Mommy! My door is stuck!” Nolan yells. “I can’t get to my stuff!”
“Shit,” I growl under my breath. I blindly find the lock on the doorknob and secure it before setting Riley on her feet. “What do you want to do? What are we saying?” I ask her as I tug up my boxers and shorts.
The doorknob rattles again.
“What the crap!” Nolan whines. “Mommy!”
Riley bends down and steps into her shorts. “I don’t know,” she whispers. “Um . . . maybe one of us hides?”
My brow furrows. “What? I’m not hiding. What if Ben finds me? I don’t want to be caught hiding out in his kid’s room. That’s fucking weird.”
“Well, what if Reed comes up here to help Nolan?” Riley asks. She buttons her shorts, looks to the door and lets her hand fall heavy against her thigh while the other grips the back of her neck. “Crap! What are we going to do?” she whispers.
“Who’s in there?” Nolan jolts the knob. “I can hear you . . .”
Riley whips her head around to look at me. Her eyes are filled with alarm.
“Jesus,” I mumble. “Whatever. Easy solution—he’s a kid.” I take the three steps to get to the door, ignoring Riley’s quiet protests and the tugging she does on my arm. The second I twist the lock, Nolan pushes the door open and stumbles inside the bedroom.
“Hey.” He looks between Riley and me, blinking in confusion. “What are you guys doing in here?”
Riley squeaks.
Christ. Thank God I’m not leaving this plan up to her. She’d probably give us up immediately after forcing me under the bed.
I dig my wallet out of my pocket and pull out a bill. Then I bend down, getting eye level with Nolan. “Do you like money, kid?” I ask him.
His eyes brighten. He licks his lips. “Yes. I like money.”
“Yeah? Have you ever seen a hundred dollar bill before?” I hold up the bill in front of his face.
“CJ,” Riley whisper scolds behind me.
I ignore her. In my opinion, this is the only option that doesn’t lead to me feeling like a giant fucking creep.
Nolan stares at the bill like he’s just discovered buried treasure. Big, gray eyes going round. Lips parting in wonder. “Can I hold it?”
“Yeah, you can hold it. It’s yours,” I tell him, handing over the bill.
He blinks at me. “It is?” He smiles big when I nod. “Aw, cool! I’m gonna put it in my piggy bank so I can save up for my sword!”
Nolan pivots around and hurries over to his nightstand. He grabs his piggy bank and sits on the bed with it, turning it over and dumping out the coins through the slot. Seeing that, I grab Riley’s hand and tug her out of the room.
“I can’t believe you just did that,” she whispers. “You aren’t worried he’ll say something about seeing us?”
“No.”
“Why not? I’m worried.”
“I just gave a six-year-old more money than he’s ever seen in his entire life. Did you see his face? He’s probably already forgotten he caught us.”
Riley blinks, realizing how fucking awesome this plan is. Then she giggles and leans into me as we walk down the stairs together. “That was so close,” she says, voice racing again.
I kiss the top of her head, smelling her sweet shampoo. When we step off the stairs, I pull Riley into my arms and hold her in the entryway, prolonging this.
I don’t want to go back outside. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to talk about what we just did—what it means to her and what I know it means to me.
“Riley,” I murmur into her hair, leaning away. She rubs my back. “I—”
“What the hell are you two doing?”
Riley’s body stiffens in my arms. She tries to pull away. I don’t let her.
Turning my head, I lock eyes with Reed.
REED.
My stomach drops out. Oh, God. I’m going to throw up all over CJ.
I know how this looks—CJ’s arms around me and my hands moving over his back. The sweet look on his face as he prepares to tell me something important, something big. Hearing the tone in Reed’s voice, even before I turn my head and see his hard eyes staring back, I know exactly how this looks.
I also know from the way CJ is keeping hold of me as I try and wiggle away that he is done with our secret. He’s ready. He’s going to tell Reed.
But I’m not done with it. I’m not ready. The way Reed is looking at us and that sharp, assuming pitch in his voice, I know how he’s going to react. Reed sounds big-brother angry. Disapproving. Nobody’s good enough. Fuck you, CJ. Get your hands off my sister.
I can already hear his response in my ears and feel it saddening my heart, so I do what I have to do. For CJ. For us.
The words spill out of my mouth like water rushing through a broken dam. Once I start, I can’t stop.
“I was sad about Richard,” I say. My voice jumps with anxiousness. “You know, just thinking about what all had happened between us—him using drugs and not knowing he was using them, it just got to me. I was overwhelmed. CJ saw me and was just offering comfort.”
My lie tastes sour and sounds so fucking ugly. I don’t like it. I don’t want to utter any name except CJ’s while I’m standing in his arms, especially not that name, never again, but what can I do? I need to protect us. I need to give this more time. And even though I hate what I say and the way CJ’s arms grow tighter around me and then fall away all too quickly, it works.
My lie works.
Reed should’ve made us, called me out and forced a confession, but instead he looks understanding after I speak and appreciative of CJ for what he’s giving me. Relief floods me and sags my shoulders. I see this as a good sign.
CJ’s arms had been around me and Reed wasn’t telling him to fuck off while throwing a punch. We were making progress.
Reed doesn’t say much besides what he always has to say about Richard.
“That guy was a prick. You’re better off,” he reminds me.
CJ doesn’t say anything.
We all go back out onto the deck, and I feel relieved and a little sick to my stomach. Looking at CJ, watching him the rest of the night, I know he is frustrated with this and with me. I can see it. His gaze is cold and refuses to linger. And when he smiles at something Mia says, his jaw stays clenched.
I think hearing me turn down Grayson helps.