“I’ll … I’ll…” I desperately scanned the menu. “I’ll have the turkey melt, please.” The words alone made my stomach roll. I’ll just peel off the melted cheese, I thought. No one will notice.
Jean ordered a hamburger, well done, with a side salad. Nurse Jill said nothing. I should have ordered what Jean had. She knew what she was doing. A hamburger wouldn’t have any cheese on it. And well done meant that more of the juices and fat would cook off. I opened my mouth to speak up and change my order, but Elaine took off before I got the words out.
I jiggled my leg. The table vibrated. “Elizabeth,” Nurse Jill said, “would you like to process your feelings? You seem anxious. We’d be happy to support you.” Jean looked at me and nodded.
I shook my head. “I’m fine.” Except that I am about to eat a freaking turkey melt! For the next ten minutes I waited for Elaine to come back, to ask how we were doing—if we needed anything—so I could change my order. But she never did. Right when I’d decided to screw it all and go find her, she appeared, carrying our food. I thought I might be sick.
She put mine down, the plate smacking heavily on the wood table. I stared at it, horrified. On two of the thickest pieces of toasted, buttered bread I’d ever seen sat a mound of turkey buried under a massive mountain of melted orange cheese, steaming hot yet already coagulating at the top. Peeking out of the corners were pieces of avocado and bacon. Mayonnaise oozed out between the layers. I had to eat half of this? Half a sandwich this size was probably more than I ate in a day, and I’d already eaten breakfast and lunch and two snacks.
More people were coming to the restaurant now. Each time the door opened, I worried I might see someone I knew. The buzz of voices drowned out the music, which the owners had turned back up. I watched Jean chew a bite of her burger to paste. I tore my eyes away from her and mustered up the courage to take a bite myself.
The cheese and mayonnaise exploded in my mouth and made my lips feel like they’d been attacked by a can of cooking spray. The avocado was brown and tasted weird and stuck to the top of my mouth, making me gag. I could barely choke it down.
The only bright spot was the bacon, which was hot and crispy and salty. I hadn’t had bacon in over a year. My entire body wanted more of it after only one bite.
Well, it wasn’t getting any.
I kept my eyes on my plate while I chewed. When I looked up, I almost didn’t believe what I saw. Heather was here with her family. I choked a little. Nurse Jill slid me my water glass.
Heather hadn’t noticed me yet, probably because we were so far in the back that even the lights had trouble finding us. She checked out the other tables with minimal interest, twirling her blond hair, chewing gum, and looking incredibly bored. I froze as her gaze came closer to where we were. I slouched down in my seat as low as I could, but it was too late. Our eyes met. Hers widened.
I tried to not look at her and focused on my food instead. My sense of time became measured by the bites I took. I tore through the turkey with my teeth and licked the mayo off my lips with my tongue. And then I chewed. And chewed and chewed and chewed.
Six bites in, I was sure I looked like this python I saw in a YouTube video once that ate a dog. You could see the entire outline and shape of the dog under the python’s skin, and that’s what I pictured my stomach looked like, except the bulge was shaped like a massive sandwich. I could feel my yoga pants stretch. Seven bites in, I saw a waiter put an order of chicken nuggets down in front of Heather. They had to be off the kids’ menu, and if my jaw hadn’t been aching and my stomach hadn’t been distended and resting on my thighs, I would have relished that moment.
At bite eight, Jean touched my shoulder. “You okay?” she whispered.
I shrugged. She nodded. “Hang in there, friend. It’s almost over.”
After thirteen bites, or precisely half my meal, I put down my fork. I could stop now.
When the bill came a few minutes later, Nurse Jill picked it up. “Don’t worry, girls,” she said. “It’s on me!”
Jean and I stood up at the same time, thinking the same thing: Let’s get the hell out of here.
Heather and her family had moved on to dessert and now, eating a fruit cup, she watched us like we were a TV show.
“Take a seat, girls,” Nurse Jill said. “We aren’t quite done yet. I’d like to do meal support here, before we leave.” Right then the music cut out for a moment. I swear the entire restaurant heard her say, “How are you processing your meals?”
I saw Heather’s head snap up. She scooted her chair a little closer. She’d heard.
“Elizabeth, how are you doing?”
I gulped. “Um … great. Ready to go, actually.”
Nurse Jill scrutinized me. “Really? I know that according to the notes Sally gave me, you were planning on having a roasted turkey sandwich. How did you deal with the menu change?”
“Fine.” We didn’t have time for me to be a teachable moment for Nurse Jill.
Heather’s eyes followed our every move. I don’t think she even blinked.
The only way to get out of there was to play along.
“Um, well, I knew that turkey is healthy protein, so I looked for something that had turkey in it. Obviously, the turkey melt had turkey so I ordered that.” Heather’s dad asked her a question, and for a second, she was distracted. Please leave, I silently begged. Please be telling her that it’s time to go. They needed to exit first. Or we did. We just couldn’t all get up at the same time.
“Yes, flexibility is important. Well done, Elizabeth.”
I nodded.
“And, Jean, how was your meal?”
“Actually, aside from the buttered bun, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.”
I tuned out again and scanned the room super fast to make sure I hadn’t missed any other familiar faces. Thankfully, it was a slow night. Many of the tables were empty, and I didn’t know the people sitting at the others.
“Well, you two, thanks for a successful dinner. Let’s head back.” I leaped up from the table. Jean stood up, too, and started putting on her coat.
So did Heather’s family.
“Um, excuse me?” I said, sitting back down.
“Yes, Elizabeth,” said Nurse Jill as she pushed her right arm into her coat.
“You know what? I think I do need more support. The cheese was, um, really greasy and I am panicking right now.”
“Well, let’s go to the van and we can talk there,” Nurse Jill said, reaching over and patting my arm.
Heather’s family was standing. They pushed in their chairs and began walking to the door.
“Wait! Nurse Jill! I think I lost a button!”
Now she looked annoyed. “What, Elizabeth? What button?”
“A button from my coat. I’m pretty sure it rolled under the table.”
Nurse Jill sighed. “Okay, let’s look for Elizabeth’s button.” Dutifully, Jean squatted down and studied the dark floor. It felt like the entire restaurant was staring at us now. I didn’t care as long as Heather kept walking toward the door.
But then she turned around.
Heather’s eyes met mine. She walked over.