“Okay,” I whispered back, not really ready for whatever he was going to say but definitely ready to fake it.
“I want you here,” he said. “I want to stay here in my bed with you all night but . . . I can’t . . .” He made a waving motion with his hand. It took me a second to figure it out.
“Oh.” Then a flooding rush of relief. “No. I wouldn’t want to . . . I mean, it’s too soon.”
“Good.” He sighed, then looked to the ceiling. “That’s excellent.” He put one hand to his forehead, like he was seeking shade from some blinding memory. “You have to understand the things I’ve grown up with. The stuff I’ve seen my mother do, and the guys who’ve come through our lives. And how she seems to lose a little piece of herself every time.”
We were quiet for a few seconds, then I said, “So you’ve never . . .”
He looked straight at me again. “No.”
I glanced away, partly because I didn’t want him to see how glad I was to hear that. And how surprised. That any guy could date Eliza and not go there.
Because he was Camden, that was how.
“I haven’t either,” I finally said. It was technically true. Could it be that I was actually more “experienced” than he was? And how would that change things?
Camden exhaled and smiled a bit. He was glad. I was glad he was glad.
“You understand, then,” he said, lacing his fingers through mine. “Why I can’t seem to touch you enough but I can’t . . . I’m not going to do something just because some unwritten rule somewhere says we should.”
I nodded, blocking out the memory of Lukas saying, Come on, Ari. We’ve been going out for three months.
“Should I leave?” I asked Camden.
His eyes widened. “No! I mean, I don’t want you to. I’d like you to stay. Can you stay?”
I knew he was really saying, I don’t want to be alone.
“I’m supposed to be sleeping at Kendall’s, but she said she’d cover for me.”
Camden nodded, suddenly businesslike, and patted the bed. We unfurled together, stretching out on the sheets, our heads touching on the pillow. I wrapped my feet around Camden’s feet. He reached up and cupped my cheek.
“You told me about the scars. I want to tell you a secret about Gus. The one who died.”
“Tell me,” I said, staring up at the skylight.
Camden moved his arm so it was across my waist. Took a deep breath.
“He was an asshole.”
I let out a nervous, surprised laugh, then quickly sucked it back in.
“I hated him,” added Camden. “It feels really good to say that out loud to someone.”
“What did you hate about him?” I asked, because I wanted him to continue the telling.
“When my mom wasn’t around, he’d say nasty things about her to me. Then he’d say nasty things about me to me. He took money from her purse and dared me to squeal on him. So a few times before the night he died, I wished he were dead. You know, the kind of wishing that comes out of you like you’re swearing, you’re just letting out your anger.”
I nodded against his shoulder.
“Then, when he did actually die . . .” Camden’s voice closed up, tied tight with a string.
“You thought you’d made that happen.”
“I was twelve.”
“You never told anyone?”
“God, no. I felt so guilty. Happy and relieved, but guilty.”
“Traumatized.”
“In a multilayered way.”
“Wow,” I said.
Camden sighed, and the movement of his body as it took on extra air, then released it; I could feel that movement in every part of me.
“I’ve never told anyone that,” said Camden.
I put my hand on the hand that was on my waist. It felt like he’d gifted me more than I’d gifted him. We were pushing through each other and maybe if we stopped now, we might never make it to the other side. Then we kissed for a long time and I imagined that the stars floated down through the skylight to where we were. There was no floor or ceiling anymore, no ground or sky. There was only everything, mixed in together.
Finally, I bit his lip gently and pulled away, feeling raw. There was something about him strong and solid against me, like a foundation. I decided to act on this tiny thread of courage before I lost it.
“I’ve got another secret for you,” I said.
“Another one?” he asked, amused.
I shrugged.
“Don’t feel obligated,” he added. “This isn’t like a Secret Smackdown.”
“I know. I just want to tell you. Think of it as a bonus.”
“Okay.”
I took a deep breath, in my mind flying away from the person who was warm and breathing and next to me in his bed in his house where we were alone and the whole universe might as well have been ours. Away from me now, back to me then.
“When we first met, you said you remembered seeing me at the lake before.”
“I did,” he said.
“I remembered seeing you, too. Last summer.” I paused. “Actually, I had a huge crush on you.”
I closed my eyes and buried my face in his neck. I felt Camden take a deep breath.