“Too late.” Loki reached under the piano and pulled out a case of beer. “I’ve already had several. The beer in your time is effectively yeast-flavoured water. I’m not the slightest bit impaired.”
“Yes, you are, you fool,” said Josiah.
Freddy said, “Why is there beer?” She’d looked in the fridge this morning, and there hadn’t been anything in there but milk and half a head of lettuce.
“There’s always beer in the fridge when Loki shows up,” said Josiah. “As soon as he enters a house, alcohol appears. We need to get him out of here. There are too many things he can set on fire with his brain.”
“Why would I do that? I wouldn’t. I don’t do things like that. Why would you think I would? What if I played the piano some more? I like playing the piano. Haven’t you people found Three yet?” said Loki.
“It’s bad enough in Sweden. He really likes his mead.” Josiah had got in behind Loki and was heaving him to his feet. Loki giggled. “But Sweden has lots of wide open spaces where he can go boom all by himself. He comes here and does it in houses.”
“He was doing it in the mead hall before,” said Freddy. At Josiah’s impatient gesture, she moved forward and began to tug at Loki’s left arm.
“That happens after this. Don’t give him any ideas,” said Josiah. “Get him upstairs to the bathroom.”
They passed Cuerva Lachance in the hall. “Loki!” she said with what Freddy considered far too much oblivious happiness. “Did you come to see me?”
“Yes,” said Loki, “but I met your alcohol accidentally on the way.”
She followed them up the stairs as they herded Loki towards the bathroom. Freddy kept wanting to sneeze; his furs were making her nose tingle. “Is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about?” asked Cuerva Lachance, for all the world as if they were seated politely around the kitchen table.
“I can feel the weirdness. There’s weirdness everywhere!” said Loki. “This time is going to be different … and difficult. Time travel changes people. Didn’t you know? Keep your eye on the candidates.”
“Of course,” said Cuerva Lachance. “How much beer did he have?”
Josiah’s eyebrows twitched. “Eight bottles. At least.”
As they rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, Freddy heard the front door open, then close. There were voices downstairs. Everybody froze.
“Damn it,” whispered Josiah. “That idiot Josiah’s gone and fetched you and your sister!”
Freddy blinked. “The inclined planes…”
“Into the bathroom, now.” Josiah shoved Loki through the door.
“Hey,” said Loki, “it’s all small and white in here.”
“He’s going to start blowing things up,” said Josiah to Cuerva Lachance.
“That will be interesting to see.”
He glared at her. “Cuerva … Lachance.”
“Oh, all right, have it your way. I’ll get you some help. But just a minute.” She followed Loki into the bathroom. Freddy saw her open the cabinet, take out a bottle of mouthwash, and pour some into one of the glasses she kept beside the sink. “Back in a second,” she said, and vanished.
It was a literal second later that she reappeared with Ban. “You kids have fun,” said Cuerva Lachance. “I’ll go downstairs and torment people for a bit. Perhaps someone will even sit on my chairs.”
She flitted out of the room, her ever-present coat billowing behind her. Freddy and Josiah stared at Ban. “This counts as help?” said Freddy.
“No,” said Josiah, “this counts as the opposite of help. There are now three of her. Anything could happen and probably will.”
“You worry too much.” Ban was perched on top of the toilet. Her general lack of clothing was much more striking here than it had been in the jungle. “Drank something, did he?”
“I drank everything,” said Loki proudly. He climbed into the bathtub and fell down on his bottom with a thump.
“It feels wrong here,” said Ban, watching as Freddy and Josiah tried to help Loki sit on the edge of the bathtub while muffling his thuds and bangs. “It feels ominous.”
“Yes, well,” panted Josiah, “that’s because there are three of you and two of me and two of her in the same house at the same time. I’m sure that breaks some sort of cosmic rule.”
“No, that’s not it,” said Ban. “What have you two been doing to reality?”
“Living in it. Just sit there and avoid helping, do.”
“I bet I can reach the ceiling from here with my sword,” said Loki, and drew it. Freddy hadn’t even noticed he had a weapon with him. Everybody crowded away from the notched length of metal, which Loki was waving around indiscriminately. “Great,” said Freddy, “now we can’t get near him at all.”
“It’s been going on for a long time, hasn’t it?” said Ban, doing the head tilt.
Josiah said, “What has? Nothing’s going on. Can anybody reach that bloody sword?” Loki, who was now on his feet in the bathtub, lunged towards him, and Josiah jerked backwards into the door.
“Of course it’s been going on for a long time,” said Loki, abruptly lowering the sword. Freddy, trying not to think about what she was doing, darted forward and took it from him. She didn’t think he noticed.
“Did you start it,” said Ban, “or did he?”
“Don’t remember. Doesn’t matter,” said Loki. “It works. Are you going to be boring about this? Are you sure you’re not Bana in disguise?”
“I resent that,” said Josiah, “and shut up, Loki.”
“Make me,” said Loki, grinning through the flames that were beginning to ignite in his beard.
“Oh, fantastic,” snarled Josiah, pressing right up against the door.
“What? I can’t help being out of control. It’s what I’m for,” said Loki. “I mean, I could go around creating chairs or making vague moralistic pronouncements, but what’s the point? You tell Cuerva Lachance to remember what she is. This whole living-in-a-house deal is sweet and all, and I very much like her hat, but there’s no use playing at all this domesticity. Even you’re domestic, Ban, and you live in a Stone Age jungle, surrounded by people who want to kill you. Take charge, will you? And stop listening to him.”
The flames had crept up into his hair. Freddy stepped into the bathtub and turned the shower on.
The next bit was all smoke and steam and coughing and quite a bit of thumping and blundering about. Ban was doubled over laughing. Freddy crouched, sopping, in the bathtub while Loki bellowed something about finding her and turning her skin inside out while she was still alive. The water was barely warm, but she didn’t care. The most urgent thing they had to do at the moment was get Loki back to his time.
“Okay. Okay. Are you all quite done?” said Josiah once some of the smoke had dispersed. Freddy quietly turned off the water.
“Wet,” said Loki, “not done. It was a good idea,” he assured Freddy, “though I’d still like to kill you.”
The bathroom door opened, revealing Cuerva Lachance and Josiah 2. “Oh dear,” said Cuerva Lachance.
“What are you all doing?” said Josiah 2. “They noticed! They knew there was someone else in the house!”