The movie is intense but I like it. At one point, the little girl that they rescue says something about how her mother always told her there were no monsters, no real ones. “But there are.” I look over at Sam, and he’s just staring at the screen.
After the movie ends, I call Mom to come get me because Sam and his family are going out to dinner with their aunt for her last night in town. As we sit and wait, Sam asks, “Can I keep drawing you? It may take me a few rounds. Is that okay?” He says this so eagerly, like he’s afraid I’ll say no.
“Sure,” I say. I’m still not sure why he wants to waste his time on drawing me, but I’m glad he does.
On the way home, Mom says, “It feels so funny to me, driving back over here.” She means this side of town, our old neighborhood. We left almost a year after Sam had been gone. Mom had gotten her job at the firm, and she worked downtown, so she said the move was to be closer to work. But I knew she wanted to live in a nicer neighborhood. And maybe get away from the sadness and drama that seemed to hover over Pine Forest. When we drive across the river, she seems relieved and gives me a pat on the knee, like we just escaped from something.
===
Central’s football team is in the play-offs. That’s all anyone talks about at school on Monday, the Big Game. It will be on Saturday, in Montgomery. Some people are organizing overnight trips. At lunch on Monday, Nick and the guys talk about going. “My dad said he’d get us a hotel room and drive us down,” Nick says.
“I’ll have to ask my parents,” I say.
But that night, at home, while we’re eating dinner in front of the TV, I don’t ask them. I don’t even mention the trip. Because I don’t want to go. I know I’m being kind of stupid about it, because to most people it would seem like a blast. But Nick would just talk about Sarah all the time. Or worse, maybe Sarah would go, too, with a group of her friends. And Madison J would be there, too, then. I just don’t want to deal with it. Plus, I have so much homework.
On Tuesday, I say, “Yeah, my mom says I can’t go.”
“That sucks,” Nick says. “You want my mom to call her?”
“Nah, it’s no use,” I say, and he looks at me for a moment, like he’s suspicious of something. But he doesn’t press me about it anymore.
Friday afternoon there’s a pep rally. Sixth period is canceled. We all pile in the big smelly gym, climb up the bleachers. I sit with Nick and the guys, and then Sarah and Madison and a few other girls worm their way to our section.
The rally starts. I used to love these, but today the noise and the cheerleaders jumping around and all the shouting grate on me. All of the stuff from my school life seems off to me, for some reason—less enjoyable, somehow inconsequential. It might have something to do with Sam, but I’m not sure why.
Principal Rhone gives a speech, the players are introduced, each one running out like a hero. Everyone stomps their feet on the bleachers. Even I do, because I want to at least pretend to have school spirit today.
After it’s over, we all empty out of the gym into the big hallway outside. Sarah has her arm around Nick. They’re shameless now. I see Madison staring over at me, and I look away. But she approaches.
“Hey, you’re going to Montgomery, yeah?” she says.
“No, I can’t,” I say.
“Oh,” she says, looking disappointed. “I thought Nick and you guys were all going?”
“They are. I’m not.”
“That’s too bad,” she says.
I look and see Sarah playfully swat at Nick, and he laughs and backs away and she starts chasing him around. I roll my eyes and look back at Madison, but she’s looking at them, too, but smiling, thinking they must be cute. When she turns back to me, she says, “You want to hang out sometime?”
“Uh.” I look away, at Nick, then back to her. “I mean, I probably could,” I say.
Instead of looking pleased, Madison’s smile wipes away. “Don’t sound so enthusiastic,” she says.
“It’s just things are so busy now,” I say, which I know is lame because we’re all busy.
I worry she’s about to persist, about to bring up something we could do together specifically, but she just turns and walks away. For a second I feel bad, and then I feel relief.
Dad will be picking me up soon so I head to my locker. At the bottom of the stairwell, I glance down the hall and see Madison fiddling in her locker. Instead of going upstairs, I walk over to her. Almost no one else is around.
“Hey,” I say. I expect her to be mad or something. But she just looks normal, like nothing happened just a few minutes ago.
“Sorry about earlier.”
She continues fiddling with things in her locker, like its contents are fascinating.
“It’s not that I don’t want to hang out,” I say. “You’re really nice.”
She lets out a little laugh. “What every girl wants to hear.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that . . . like I said, I’m so busy—”
“It’s okay, Josh. I get it.”
“Get what?”
She glances around, then lowers her voice. “I know you don’t like me. I mean, I know you don’t like me that way. I suspected for a while. Like, at homecoming, at the game, you kept staring over at that guy—the kid who went missing? You barely would look at me. And then, at the dance, you didn’t kiss me, didn’t even try. You spent the whole night looking at Nick, or glued to his side when he wasn’t with Sarah. I was like, what’s wrong with me? But I’m not stupid. I get it now. And I’m not going to tell anyone.”
“Tell anyone what?” I say, my voice sounding all scratchy.
She looks kind of embarrassed. “I still want to be your friend,” she says. “I just wish you had told me.”
“There’s nothing to tell,” I say. But my heart starts pounding, pounding.
“I’m here if you want to talk about it,” Madison says.
I feel my face catch fire. And then two loud seniors run by, banging the lockers with their hands, acting like jerks. So I walk away, fast, up the stairs, taking them two at a time, adrenaline carrying me. I get to my locker and fumble and finally get it open and then I just stand there, catching my breath, hoping my heart slows down. My phone rings. “I’m here,” my dad says.
I walk outside, still sort of in a daze. I fight the urge to go back inside, find Madison. How did you know? How did I give it away? But I just stand there until Dad beeps the horn and waves.
On the drive home, Dad asks the usual questions. And I answer the usual way. “Okay. School was okay. I’m okay.” But I’m not really listening to him. I’ve been so dumb. Afraid of myself. My own feelings. Of course I don’t like Madison that way. I’m different.
“What are you thinking about?” Dad says.
I look over. I could tell him. Mom too. But no one really needs to know. It’s like one more item in the Box. Things that give me happiness and comfort and peace, but which no one needs to see.
“Nothing,” I say.
===