“Damn it, Henry.” Charlie rubbed his head and looked at me like he hoped I was joking, but I wasn’t. “You know what your problem is? You overthink everything.”
“Yes or no, Charlie?”
“Dad left because he was a dick. It doesn’t matter if it was because of you or me or Mom. He left because he was a selfish prick, and that’s all you need to know.”
It was as close to an honest answer as I was going to get without being able to ask my father directly, but it didn’t make me feel any better. “Why would you want to bring a kid into such a fucked-up world?”
“Are you kidding, bro? About the only good thing I can do is bring this kid into the world, give her the best life I can, and believe that she can make it a better place.”
Charlie’s transformation blew my mind. This was the same guy who delighted in sticking freshmen’s heads in toilet bowls in high school, and thought flicking boogers on me was hilarious. He was still an ass, but he was an ass with a purpose. I was so stunned that I almost missed what he’d let slip. “Wait. Did you say ‘her’?” He couldn’t contain his grin, and I hugged him, clapping his back. “Congratulations, Charlie.”
Charlie socked me in the shoulder. “Don’t tell Mom. Zooey wants to do it. Some kind of chick-bonding thing.”
“I won’t.” I couldn’t believe Charlie was going to have a daughter. She wasn’t a little parasite anymore; she was my niece. She wasn’t going to grow up and go to high school and become a porn-addicted, chronic-masturbating alcoholic. She was going to have a mother and father who loved her and didn’t slam doors. She was going to have an uncle who was sometimes abducted by aliens. She was going to grow up and grow old and fill her head with memories that time would never be able to steal from her.
Except she wouldn’t because the world was going to end. “I saw Nana today.”
“How is she?”
“We’re her family; she should be with us.”
“This way’s better,” Charlie said. “A month ago she tried to crawl into bed with me and Zooey at two in the morning.” He shuddered.
“It’s not right.” I couldn’t shake the image of Nana sitting alone in her bedroom staring at that one lonely picture. Even though she’d made friends, they weren’t her family. We were her family, and we’d abandoned her. But it was more than Nana. It was how bitter and cynical Mom had become, and Marcus’s downward spiral, and my not being able to get over Jesse and give Diego a fair chance. “Everything’s so fucked up.”
Charlie tossed the hammer at my feet. It hit the floor with a thud. “Help me tear down this wall.”
“Why?”
Charlie pointed at the hammer with his chin. “Break the drywall, or I break your face.”
“Yeah, you’re going to be a great dad.” Charlie feinted toward me, and I snatched the hammer. I’d seen Charlie do it, but I felt silly. What was he hoping to accomplish? Anything? Or was I just free labor? Still, I knew he wouldn’t let me escape without trying to tear down the wall. I swung the hammer. It barely made a dent. “Sweet. That was fun. Thanks.”
“Weak.” Charlie pushed me toward the wall. “Hit that motherfucking wall, Henry!”
I cocked my arm back and let it fly. The drywall cracked. Again, and it made a hole.
“Yeah!” hollered Charlie. He cranked up his shitty music until I couldn’t hear myself think.
Adrenaline surged through me. Testosterone and electricity. I began to understand the power of aggression, of fists and fighting and pain. With this hammer, I wasn’t Space Boy or Henry Denton, I was a mighty warrior and I could do anything. I attacked the wall, punching hole after hole into it, and when I’d made enough holes, I tore it down with my bare hands and bloody knuckles. The wall was my bad grades in school. The wall was the sluggers and their fucking button. The wall was Marcus. The wall was Jesse. The wall was Mom’s job and Charlie’s daughter. The wall was Diego. The wall was everything I hated, everything I loved.
I probably would have dug through to the other side if Charlie hadn’t grabbed my arms and pulled them behind my back. “Whoa, little bro.”
My breath heaved. I still heard music even though the radio was silent. Charlie let me go, and I looked at my bloody, dusty knuckles. Red smears painted parts of the discarded drywall.
“You want to do the rest?” Charlie asked. “You’d have it done in half the time it’d take me.” He laughed. I didn’t.
My arms were weak and my shoulders sore, but they weren’t what hurt worst. Diego had made me happy these last few weeks, but it wasn’t enough. I thought about Jesse looking down on me, seeing me with Diego. Teenage boys who are dead probably can’t masturbate, and it made me sad to think about Jesse stuck in the afterlife, lonely, frustrated, and unable to get off. I loved him, and I just don’t know if a world without Jesse Franklin is worth saving. Either way, I only have thirty-nine days to decide. “Thanks,” I said to Charlie, and stumbled toward the door.
“Hey, bro,” Charlie called after me. “You’re not just gonna be an uncle. You’re gonna be a godfather, too.”
22 December 2015