When I’d pulled myself together, I stood at the sink and washed my face. The barbecue sauce was still on my nose; it looked like dried blood. I wet some toilet paper and used it to scrub the stain off.
Diego’s bathroom was messier and more disorganized than his bedroom. Inside the medicine cabinet were three kinds of deodorant, shaving cream, a razor, and two bottles of face wash. Globs of spent toothpaste were stuck to the side of the sink, and the shower was covered with a soapy film. My mom would have beaten me with the toilet brush if I ever let our bathroom get so filthy.
When I opened the door, I crashed into Diego. We hit the floor in a tangle of arms and legs. His elbow dug into my stomach, knocking the breath out of me.
“Sorry!” Diego said, laughter tingeing his voice.
“Just . . . It’s fine.” I disentangled myself from Diego, but he didn’t move.
“I came to find you so I could apologize.”
I already felt like an asshole for accusing Diego of smashing Marcus’s car windows and then running off, and now he was apologizing when he had nothing to be sorry for. “I should go.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Henry, I’m sorry.” Diego grabbed my wrist when I tried to stand, and pulled me toward him. I opened my mouth to tell him to let go, but he swallowed my words. He pressed his lips to mine and wrapped his arms around my waist. Diego tasted like root beer and barbecue sauce. He smelled better than summer. Bigger than the ocean.
“Is this okay?” Diego whispered. His lips grazed my ear. All I could do was grunt.
The first time I’d kissed Jesse was the first time I’d kissed anyone, and it had felt like remembering the name of a song I’d forgotten but had been humming for days. Marcus was the second boy I kissed, and it was best described as frustrated mouth wrestling.
When Diego kissed me, I forgot about every kiss that came before. His kisses were impatient but cautious. They teetered on the edge of losing control, and I imagined him painting with the same kind of frenzy—stripped to the waist and covered in smears of more colors than the human eye was capable of detecting. My arms trembled, I could barely breathe, but I pulled him closer than a blanket on the coldest night.
I lost track of time, but eventually Diego rolled onto his back with a contented sigh. “I’ve been dying to do that.”
I leaned on my elbow. “I thought you had a girlfriend.”
“Ex-girlfriend.”
“Okay,” I said. “Ex-girlfriend.”
“Yeah?”
“In case you haven’t noticed,” I said, motioning at myself. “No girl parts.”
Diego winked impishly. “Oh, I noticed.”
“So, when you said you liked Space Boy, you meant you liked Space Boy.”
“Definitely.”
Tangles of my hair were plastered to my forehead, and I brushed them out of my eyes. “I’m so confused.”
“Don’t be,” Diego said. “I like people, not the parts they have.” Diego frowned. “Well, I mean, I definitely like the parts; they’re just not why I like the person.”
“It’s . . . whatever.”
Diego laughed and reached for me again, but I pushed him away. “What?” he asked, like I’d physically hurt him.
When Diego was kissing me, nothing else had existed, but now that there was space between us, Jesse rushed in to fill it. My breath came in gasps. I tried to put into words what I was feeling, but every time I tried to speak, my tongue felt leaden and dry. It was a worthless chunk of meat in my mouth.
“Jesse?” he asked.
“I miss him, and I wish he were here.” I couldn’t look Diego in the eyes, but I felt him looking at me. Looking into me. “In a way, he is. He never leaves. Jesse never leaves. And how can I kiss you while Jesse’s here?”
“You’re not the one who died.”
I bit back a laugh. “Maybe I should have.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
I leaned my forehead against Diego’s, and all I could think about was kissing him again, and Jesse. Two thoughts that couldn’t coexist. “What if I’m the reason Jesse killed himself?”
“You’re not,” Diego said.
“But what if I am?” I closed my eyes, and I expected Diego to have disappeared by the time I opened them again. But he hadn’t. He was still there. “Sometimes I think it’s my fault. Other times, Audrey’s. Or maybe his parents’. I just need someone to blame. Might as well be me.”
“Sometimes things just happen, Henry, and they’re no one’s fault.”
I pulled back and looked into Diego’s eyes. They swirled like slugger skin. I wondered what they were saying. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted Diego and I missed Jesse and the world was going to end, and I didn’t know what to do. “I . . . Do you think I could have a drink?”
“Done.” Diego hopped up and headed for the door. He darted back and stole a kiss before disappearing into the kitchen.