“Go away.”
Marcus climbed the bleachers and sat next to where I was standing, leaving space between us. His face was drawn and pale, but he still looked good in jeans and a V-neck sweater. “Listen, about that thing in the hallway . . . That wasn’t me. I didn’t know about that.”
I touched my eye involuntarily. “Whatever, Marcus. I’m not in the mood.” I marched down off the bleachers toward the football field, hoping he wouldn’t follow me. But he did. I turned around and shouted, “Leave me alone!”
“I miss spending time with you, Henry.”
“Publicly humiliating and attacking me was a bizarre way to show it. A box of chocolates might have been more appropriate.”
“I’m sorry.” The funny thing is that I believed him. Jesse had faked being happy, Diego had hidden his past from me, but Marcus had always told me the truth. Even when he beat me up, it was honest. He pulled a flask from his pocket and offered it to me. When I didn’t take it, he drank from it first and offered it to me again. Drinking was the last thing I needed, but I didn’t want to feel anything anymore, so I accepted the flask. I don’t know what it was, but it burned my throat.
I sat down on the grass and buried my face in my hands. “Why are you being nice to me, Marcus? Why now?”
“Do you want to know the truth?” He passed me the flask again, and I swallowed a couple of gulps, feeling the alcohol loosen my limbs and my brain.
“Sure.” I was only half listening. I could still hear the distant sounds of the carnival, but it occurred to me how isolated we were.
Marcus sat across from me and pulled his feet in so he was sitting cross-legged. “I’m not strong like you, Henry. My parents expect me to be their perfect son; my friends expect me to be Mr. Popular. It’s so hard to be everything to everyone. I feel stretched thin sometimes. You’re the only person who doesn’t expect anything from me.”
I sat up and tried to clear my head, but my thoughts were stuck in a pool of tar, and I couldn’t pull them out. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
Marcus sat forward, his eyes were unfocused and red. “I knew in the beginning I was just not-Jesse to you. You needed someone to take your mind off of Jesse, and I was not-Jesse. But I fell for you, Henry, and I thought you’d fall for me too.”
“You. Attacked. Me.”
Marcus crawled across the grass until his face was so close to mine that I could smell his rancid breath. “I fucked up.” Marcus brushed my lips with his, and I didn’t turn away. “Is this all right?” Here was Marcus offering to be not-Jesse for me again. All I had to do was accept, and I could blunt the pain of living for a little while longer.
I looked at the stars, wishing the sluggers would abduct me so that I didn’t have to make a choice. That’s what this was all about, after all. Making choices. Diego had made a choice. My mom had made a choice. Charlie had made a choice. Even Jesse had made a choice. It had been a selfish, stupid, heartbreaking choice, but one he’d made for himself.
Marcus pushed himself onto me, the weight of his body against mine made it difficult to breathe. A rock dug into my back while Marcus kissed my neck, his hands pulling at the button on my jeans. I didn’t have to choose. I could close my eyes and let it happen the same way I was going to sit back and let the world end. Marcus rubbed his hips against mine and struggled with my zipper.
I didn’t have to choose. It was easier not to choose.
“I can’t . . .”
“What’s wrong?” Marcus cupped my head with his hand and stroked the side of my face with his thumb, kissing me hard, desperately.
“Stop.” I wedged my hands between our chests and tried to shove Marcus away. “I don’t want to do this, Marcus.”
Marcus stopped kissing me. “You’re a fucking tease, Henry.”
“Get off me!”
Marcus grabbed a handful of my hair and slammed my head into the ground. The world melted and blurred. There were so many stars. Too many. There shouldn’t have been that many stars in the sky. I tried to name them, but there were constellations I’d never seen.
Torpid from the booze and dizzy from hitting the rock, I tried to fend off Marcus, but he was yanking my jeans down around my knees. This was another slugger hallucination. Only an hour ago I was laughing with Audrey, I was seeing myself the way Diego saw me. Somewhere along the way I’d stumbled into this nightmare world where Marcus was on top of me, panting in my ear and telling me what a fucking loser I was. How he was going to fuck Space Boy, and no one would believe me because no one believed loser space boys.