Apparently she’d been talking, but I’ve gotten pretty good at tuning out voices lately.
“Ugh,” she said, stamping her other heel. “Why do you keep pushing me away? I’m trying to help you, glam it!”
“Yeah, I can tell,” I muttered and rubbed my head. “Look, I know I screwed up,” I said, turning to her and clasping the opal necklace. “Right here’s the proof. The debt I can’t ever steal enough to pay off. You own my life and my deaths. So for the love of Grimm, just give me some space and stop making it worse.”
“I never wanted this,” Dorthea said quietly, her voice shaking. “You’ve changed. I’d make it all go away if I could. I wish—”
“Don’t even think it,” I cut her off. The w-word was strictly off-limits for her. Not even Oz really understood her powers and what she was capable of.
I scanned the room for what we’d come here for. Just under the north window rested a medium-size chest that looked like it had been carved from the warped heart of an ironwood tree. That by itself would have made the chest unbreakable, but the container was also wrapped with chains and a half dozen padlocks.
Whatever was in there was worse than poison-apple-level bad news.
Dorthea must have thought the same thing, cuz she shut up the second she saw it. I took a deep breath. As long as the chest stayed sealed, I was safe. Probably.
We carried it to the enchant-alator and went down in it silently, each of us holding a side. We set the wooden chest down on the grass just as the third sun was setting behind the trees.
“Good. There’s one half. Now for the other.” Verte motioned to Kato, who dropped a pill in a bucket of water.
Nothing happened immediately, but Kato stepped back anyway and took cover. Hydra opened her mouth, but he cut her off with what we all already knew she was about to say: “I know. I know. Wait for it.”
The water bubbled, just a few tiny plops at first, but within seconds, it came to a full boil. With a sploosh, two big feet burst out from the bottom of the pail. From there, legs emerged. The bucket was just the right size to cover the lower half of the torso that grew out the top. Then two manly arms popped out the sides. And last, a head—with a blindingly white smile and a mass of blond, curly locks that would make Goldy scream in jealousy.
“This isn’t right. We didn’t order Grow-A-Beau.” Verte checked the box again. “Where’s the spellphone? Somebody call customer service.”
“Hello, gorgeous,” I said and took a step closer to inspect the boy in the bucket. Just to make sure it was safe.
“Rexi!” Verte yelled. “This is your fault. I know it.”
“Rex,” the Grow-A-Beau said slowly, as if testing his own voice. He stared deeply into my eyes, then winked and flexed his muscles.
Hydra whistled low. “Hot toasted borscht.”
“Glammed right,” Dorthea said, nodding. At Kato’s growl, she hastily added, “If you go for that sort of thing.”
The ironwood chest began to shake, the lid pushing and rattling against the chains.
“Oy. Now we’ve done it.” Verte’s chin hair curled and spun wildly. “She smells fresh meat.”
“Rule of Service: Loyal help is expensive to maintain. That’s why the best kingdoms run on the backs of indentured servitude or blackmail.”
—Thomason’s Tips to Ruthless Ruling
6
Rotten to the Core
“She?” I squeaked and pointed to the chest. “What’s in there?”
“Man-eater,” Hydra slurred.
Verte clucked, “That was never proven.” The chest thumped, like someone was trying to get out. “I know you don’t like Gwennie, but you gotta swap heads with the hussy since only she can read the message.”
Dorthea went over to inspect the newly grown hottie. “So if the Gwennie head is in the box, isn’t swapping into it gonna be a little tough, since, I don’t know, the body we just grew is a guy and he kinda already has a head?”
“Off wiff ’is head,” Hydra slurred.
“Ew, no,” I said, vetoing the idea.
“I don’t see why not.” Verte ignored me and skimmed the small print on the package. “Blah, blah, blah, blah, brain not included. Well, obviously, since who needs their eye candy to think.” She looked up and shrugged. “Might work.”
“No!” Dorthea and Kato shouted together.
“Why can’t she just zap her soul from one head to the other? Why do we need a new body at all?” I asked.
“To make the transfer successfully, the new head gots to be connected to a heart. Without that anchor, the head rots and loses connection to Hydra’s soul,” Verte said.
“Bah,” Hydra said and rolled her eyes. The left one popped out of the socket and plopped on the ground.
I covered my mouth to stop the chunks of my lunch from escaping.
“See,” Verte said, grabbing the eye and popping it back in Hydra’s head. “We’re lucky she’s lasted this long.”
Dorthea put her hands on her hips. “Well, that body is defective merchandise. Just call the shop and make them deliver a new one. Duh.” Spoken like a true shopaholic.
“We could do that,” Verte seemed to consider. “And at the same time, we place a sign with one of those thingeramoggoos that tells everyone in Story, We are here. Next idea.”
“She is half-right,” Kato said, defending his princess. “We just need to exchange the body. It’s getting dark, so the forest won’t be safe to navigate. I’ll go to the shop in the morning. Surely the message can wait until then.”
Hydra burped. “Being excused.”
“She needs to swap outta this head before it spoils any more. For that, we need a new body. Rexi will go,” Verte said without even looking at me.
“It’s too dangerous and there are too many traps,” Dorthea said, backing up her fiancé.
The Emerald Sorceress overruled the princess. “Rexi can do it.” It wasn’t that Verte had faith in me particularly, but she was the one who made the deal for me to work off Dad’s taxes in the palace kitchens. Only she knew exactly who I was and why I could avoid the traps laid in these woods.
“Nope. No. I absolutely forbid it.” Dorthea crossed her arms over her chest.
“She doesn’t believe in you…”
I didn’t need Morte taunting me from my sunset-stretched shadow. I could feel fear and hesitation from Dorthea’s leaking emotions.
Beyond that, it bothered me that everyone was talking about me as if I weren’t there. Like I didn’t have a say. Nobody cared what I thought because my opinion didn’t matter.
“Precious that you think a puppet gets to decide which way its strings are pulled.”
I knew exactly what I needed to do.
“Verte’s right. I’ll go,” I said.
There was cursing, arguing, eyelash batting, and more cursing, but eventually Dorthea agreed. And by the time night fell, I made all the necessary preparations. I was ready.
Dorthea and Kato escorted me to the opening of the clearing. Verte and Hydra were nowhere to be seen. Better that way, really.