“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
The last five unicorns lit up like Jack’s candlesticks. The crowd started cheering, or maybe that was the blood thrumming in my ears. Sweat beaded on my face as the teacup night mares and the wall of heat they produced got closer.
“Question number four: Are you willing to join our cause and take this world back from the heroes?”
“Can’t I just sit this round out? I’m quite happy with the way I am. I changed my mind.”
The mini-unicorn that used to be pink sneezed, but this time instead of spewing glitter, sparks flew, landing at the base of the stake. The wood smoked, then crackled and popped as flames sprouted. And spread.
Merlin fluffed his suit and sneered. “I’m really not surprised you’re failing this trial so abysmally. Looks like your life hangs on question number five: What are you afraid of?”
“Bugs.”
There were no new sparks, but the flames inched their way up the stake. The crowd chanted, “Burn, burn.”
“Not good enough. Go deeper,” Merlin prodded.
Oh, that was a trick question. I locked stares with Kato in the stands. He looked torn. He’d warned me he couldn’t help me. I didn’t want him to, but why couldn’t he just leave? I didn’t want him to see me die, or worse—to see the real me.
My story really was cruel.
I took in a deep breath and let it all go. “I’m afraid of disappearing. Of losing everything I am. Or that what I am isn’t worth saving in the first place and that I’ll be gone and no one will notice.”
The nightmare flames snuffed out, cooling the wall of heat and turning the night mares back into the horribly evil cute ponies. But the post still crackled and flames licked past my boots and up my legs. Merlin walked toward me, pulling a glass of water out of his pointy hat. The smell of rosewater filled my nose.
“Tell me, girl,” he whispered. “What are you willing to do to keep that from happening?”
“Anything,” I wrenched out, straining against the chains.
“Good answer,” he said and extinguished the flames. He turned to the audience. “Welcome our newest brother, Rex.”
The fickle crowd went from cheering for my demise to running down to the arena floor, each taking a turn to greet me. Their welcoming was conveyed in universal guy code, with smacks on the arm by their fists…or tentacle, or whatever. I refused to look at Kato as he passed. And Mordred, well, let’s just say he punched extra hard.
“There is something about thee I just really can’t stand. No one else may see it, but thou art dangerous. Stay away from what is mine,” he hissed.
“No problem, psycho,” I muttered, worn-out.
After everyone had their turn, the orderlies pulled me off the stake and dragged me back to Gwenevere. I went amiably, because I was too exhausted to move. Whatever I had been expecting from this journey, this hadn’t been it. I didn’t know whether to cry, run screaming, look for an aloe plant, or find that stupid sword and get the hex out of Camelot.
The crystal kitties began their chorus.
I glared at them and hoped they had their ears open. “I swear to any of you that will listen, if you keep up that shrieking, I will pound each and every one of you into glitter to feed you to those blasted unicorns.”
“I see you’ve found your fighting spirit,” Gwennie chirped in a high-pitched, cheery voice that was almost as annoying as the cats. “You are a lot less charbroiled than I expected. Perhaps there’s hope for you yet.”
“Does everyone go through that?”
“No, just the poor, unfortunate souls I really don’t like.”
“Great,” I huffed. “Now what? Since I passed, can I get the grand tour? See all the famous Camelot artifacts?” Like a certain sword.
“I’ll need you to sign a few waivers. Then you can go get some rest. I’ve assigned you to a ward with a sponsor as your roommate.” She laid down a piece of parchment. “Initial here, here, and…” She pointed out a few more spots, then flicked the paper till it rolled open like a scroll. “And sign your full name at the very bottom.”
“Fine print much?” The more the scroll went on, the smaller the letters became, but I was pretty sure a number of clauses released the institute from liability in case of death, dismemberment, or transmogrification.
“All standard consent forms, I assure you. The demon lawyers at Gold Man’s Sacks are very trustworthy.” Gwen peered into the drawers of the desk. “Now where did I put that pen?”
I skimmed the desktop while she scavenged. A lot of random stuff. Flask of cauldron juice. Stuffed owl. Beard trimmer. Granite paperweight. It had a pen in it.
“I can use that one,” I said.
“It’s broken and useless like everything else on this ridiculous wizard’s desk.” She resumed her search, crawling around on the floor.
I just wanted to be done. I removed the silver-and-sapphire pen and put it to the parchment.
A crack sounded from outside, and a strange light hit the heavy, purple curtains, casting the whole room in a violet haze. Gwennie bolted upright. “What was that?” She ran/waddled to the window to investigate.
As long as the lightning stayed out of my way, I didn’t care what it was.
I went back to the paper and scribbled a bit. For a second, I flashed back to the Compendium of Storybook Characters. I half expected my name to be banned from any record. But the ink seemed to flow and write just fine, so I initialed R. H. and remembered to sign Rex the Huntsman at the bottom. “Done,” I said, pocketing the broken pen.
Gwen shrugged and turned back to me. “Something broke the old sign. I’d been meaning to have it replaced with the institute’s new placard anyway. Now, where were we?”
“Room. That place where, according to the contract you just had me sign, I can check in anytime I like, but I can’t ever leave.”
Gwen frowned and reached for my hand. “Do try to have a positive attitude. I run a very tight operation. But it really is with your safety in mind.” She squeezed, digging her nails into me, drawing blood. “I will not allow anything or anyone to bring chaos to the order I’ve created. We don’t tolerate failures. Are we clear?”
“Crystal,” I said and yanked my hand back.
“Good,” she replied and licked her nails. “Here’s your room assignmen—” She paused, her head shaking, nose twitching, lips quivering. She sneezed. I half expected glitter or fire to come out of her, just like her beasts, but instead, her forehead lined with wrinkles, her perfect face no longer flawless.
She blinked. “Hot glammed, ’bout time.” She blinked again, looking at me as if really seeing me for the first time. “Rexi? What are you doing here, you idgit? Yer gonna ruin everything.”
“Hydra,” I said slowly and carefully.
“The one and only…fer a minute. Or less. I knews you were trouble when you washed up on my beach, not once but twice! Now you Mary Poppins up right in front of me again. Git.”