“So?”
He didn’t expect a response and even if he did, I had none. As far as I knew, he’d taken the needle four times. The Chaos insignia that spanned his back. My tat, which was now gone. The tat that covered it. And whatever that was on his ribs (which I wasn’t sure I had the strength to understand right then so I avoided even thinking too much about it).
He’d know how much it’d hurt.
I let that go and carefully noted, “Your girls are gonna see.”
“Millie, look at me.”
He sounded serious.
All that was happening was serious, huge, unbelievable, overwhelming, in good ways and in some bad.
So I didn’t want more serious.
But I had to get my shit together.
Over the years, I didn’t even allow myself to dream that this might happen.
However, now it seemed I was living a dream I hadn’t had the courage to have.
Since it was here, though, I had to find the courage to face it.
Nourish it.
And unlike the last time, hold on and not let go.
So I lifted my head.
Logan slid his hand to the side of my neck, holding me there with that hand and the one at the back and keeping hold.
“I hesitate with this, beautiful,” he started gently, “?’cause you’re fragile. I get that.” He gave me a light squeeze with both hands when he saw what I knew hit my face. “I don’t judge it. You’re not in my shoes. You don’t feel the gift it is that you gave me living the way you did for twenty years, keeping yourself only for me. Honest to Christ, it’s not a gift I want but it’s precious all the same.”
I took in another deep breath.
Logan kept going.
“I know you weren’t hibernatin’ and I woke you up. I know what I gotta do is like breathin’ life back into you. And I hope it’s sinkin’ in that I’m all in with that. So I’ll say careful-like that my girls are my girls. They might not have been raised in a home where their mom and dad loved each other, but they were raised in a home where there was a lotta love. They’ll want you for me.”
“Okay, Low,” I replied shakily, hoping that was true.
“Cleo, she always had her head screwed on straight,” he told me. “She’s a lot like her old man. Sees the world as it is and takes it as it is. Zadie...” He paused and held my gaze. “My Zadie’s a dreamer. It never touched her, the void of what her parents should have had. She made up what she wanted to be there and lived in that place.”
Oh man.
Logan continued. “So what I’m sayin’, gentle-like, is that I know I got my work cut out for me with you. But you gotta go in to this knowin’ we both got our work cut out with Zadie. You with me?”
Wonderful.
“Have you...?I mean, you’ve been here awhile. Have you spoken to them?” I asked.
“About you?” he asked back, but answered before I could even nod. “No. But while you been asleep, I talked with their mom and I talked with them.” His voice dropped. “Talk with them as often as I can so I’ll be phonin’ them today while I’m with you.”
He sounded like that would bother me, but of course he would phone them.
So I just nodded.
“I’m going to do my bit,” I told him, likely with more bravado than bravery. “I mean, with you. With us. I won’t fall apart on you again.”
Something changed in his expression right before he changed our positions, rolling into me so I was on my back and he was pressed into my side, his face close, his hands moving so he had one arm wrapped around me, his other hand still at my neck, thumb stroking my throat.
“Never,” he whispered, and my hands resting at his sides curled in to his flesh at his tone. “Never, Millie, don’t you ever hide or feel ashamed of the emotion you have for me, for us, for what we lost, for all we got back. Don’t ever do that. All a’ this is gonna be pain right along with pleasure. That is, until we work through the pain and got nothin’ but the good left over. And I swear to you, fuckin’ swear, I’ll get us there.”
“I’ve changed,” I admitted, a tremor of fear lacing those two words.
“That isn’t lost on me,” he returned instantly. “There’s shit you gotta know about me too. But we didn’t walk through fire only to get to the end of that and not get our reward. If we can walk through fire, baby, we can do anything.”
I wanted that to sink in.
But there was still fear in my voice when I said, “I’m worried it’s too late. I’m worried too much time has passed. We’ve both changed. Probably a lot. I’m worried—”
He cut me off to ask, “Does this feel like it’s too late?”
I took him in, lying on me, touching me, holding me—he was my whole world in a variety of ways and had been since we met. But right then, that feeling was literal.
So it totally didn’t feel too late.
Not at all.
“You make it sound so easy,” I whispered.
“Doin’ anything at your side, no matter how hard it gets, it’s still gonna be a fuckuva lot easier than tryin’ to do anything without you. So, you’re right. It might not be easy. Life is what it is and we’re gonna face shit along the way. But I know what it was like, doin’ that not havin’ you. And I know what it was like doin’ that havin’ you. And I know which way I like better.”
See?
He was so good at the flowery, biker goodness.
Too good.
So good I was close to crying again.
And in order not to do that, I got bitchy.
“You’re gonna have to stop being so awesome or I’ll be bawling like a lunatic all the time,” I snapped.
He gave me more of his weight as he dipped his face closer.
“Not sure I can stop bein’ awesome, beautiful. It’s just me.”
I rolled my eyes.
When I rolled them back, I saw his were dancing.
God, I loved that.
I melted and lost the bitchy.
Then I realized I’d melted and lost the bitchy so I regained the bitchy and declared sharply, “You’re being awesome again.”