[No. Don’t.]
I said MOVE!
[We’ll die if you open that door.]
That’s your mother out there!
[I know. But she’s gone now. ]
PART FOUR
NEXT OF KIN
FILE NO. 1591
PERSONAL JOURNAL ENTRY—VINCENT COUTURE, CONSULTANT, EARTH DEFENSE CORPS
Don’t be stupid.
That’s the last thing I told Kara, the last thing I said to my wife. I didn’t say I love you, I told her she was an idiot. It doesn’t make sense … That’s not how it was supposed to go. She’s not supposed to be dead. I … All I had to do was to get inside Themis a second sooner, climb a little faster. That’s not how it was supposed to happen … I swore I would never let anyone down because I wasn’t strong enough. But I was afraid, and I wasn’t fast enough, and now she’s dead. She knew. She knew before we started climbing. That’s why she went last.
I shouldn’t have been there to begin with. I should have been with her. I was the one who … I told her a million times how much I wanted children. She thought I couldn’t go, so she went after our child. What did I do? Nothing. I found out and I stayed behind. I didn’t go help my wife. I didn’t go find my daughter. They said they were sending someone, and I said … OK! I’m a coward. I’m a fraud.
Certainly not a dad. What a joke! I’m nothing. Parents are supposed to protect their children. I can’t do that. I couldn’t protect my wife. I never could. She was the one protecting me. That kid ran out of parents the moment Kara closed that hatch. Crazy thing is, I would have opened it again. I would have opened that hatch without hesitation, and we’d all be dead. I would have killed my wife and my daughter on the same day. But Eva stopped me. She’s ten and she saved me.
I don’t know how I convinced myself I could do this. In my mind, it was so …
It was about me. I’d hold my baby girl and be filled with pride seeing how safe she felt in my arms. I would show her the things I knew about the world, and she’d listen, wide-eyed and smiling. I’d be there for her when she needed me, and it would feel good to be there for her. And I’d never yell, and I’d listen, and I’d feel great about seeing how happy she was. I’d be a great dad. We’d be a great family, like the Tremblays across the street when I was eight years old. Their kid was my age, and he played baseball, and he was good at it. His parents never fought—or so I thought—and they were always smiling. We weren’t friends, but I went over for a few hours one summer. He had a pool. We ate KFC in the middle of the afternoon. I wanted to be him. I wanted his family. Maybe that’s what I’ve been chasing the whole time.
Kara knew what it would be like. She knew what it would take, and she knew I wasn’t ready. She’d have been better off with Ryan. I hate that asshole more than anyone in the world, but maybe that’s why. He wouldn’t have climbed slow and he wouldn’t have climbed first. He’d have carried them both if he had to.
Now the world is ending and somehow I’ve managed to make that about me too. Millions of people are dead, so my grief isn’t that special. But I’ve killed the one person who was needed to save the world. Themis can’t fight anymore. She’s a paperweight now. I do my best to avoid going outside. I can’t stand to look at her. I can’t bear the thought of walking into that sphere and seeing Kara’s gear hanging from the ceiling. I always had my back to her in there but I could feel her presence behind me. I would follow her voice, her breathing. There’s no Themis without Kara.
I’m useless here now. I can’t help Rose. I can’t help Eva. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
FILE NO. 1593
DISCOURSE TO THE UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY—BRIGADIER GENERAL EUGENE GOVENDER, COMMANDER, EARTH DEFENSE CORPS
Location: UN Headquarters, Geneva, Switzerland
Mr. President, Mr. Secretary General, members of the General Assembly, ladies and gentlemen. I am here today … I am here today to tell you … Ah, to hell with my notes!