With her chin resting on the hard plane of her knees, she left behind the memory of what had once been to return her attention to the doctor who sat silently in observation of her now.
As usual, his pen tapped against paper before upending to scribble out some private thought. She could never read the words he wrote, and she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to know what parts of her he recorded in her file.
Sure that whatever he thought or recorded was as negative as the feelings she had for herself, she didn’t need the confirmation in plain blue ink written in flowing script against the crisp white page of his notebook.
The doctor’s head tilted up, his eyes hidden beneath the lenses of his glasses and the shadow of the dimly lit room. “I think you’ve just found one of the answers you’ve been seeking during these sessions, Alice.” He paused, allowing the silence to become a ticking clock between them.
…drip…
“What are your thoughts now that you know your feelings for this man – the love you have for him – wasn’t a result of rape or cruelty, but was, in fact, due to a connection that is common among most men and women?”
She didn’t need a moment to discover the answer to that particular question. It was already sitting on the tip of her tongue.
“Foolish.” Her eyes closed on the word, her mind racing to make sense of everything she’d once been and was still becoming. “I feel stupid and foolish.”
Another beat of silence, another tick of the clock.
Another drop of water falling from the faucet to splash against the sink.
“Why do you feel foolish? From what you just told me, Max was as much of a gentleman to you as most men are in this day and age. He offered to care for you. He pulled you from a situation where he felt you weren’t safe. He cooked for you and didn’t judge you for the issues that have haunted you your entire life. How can you consider yourself foolish for loving a man who was willing to do all those things for you? A man who treated you with only kindness?”
A bark of laughter shot from her lungs, the sound unnerving and sharp. “He trapped me is what he did. Trapped me and lured me into another type of submission than if he’d simply abducted me and forced me to live in that house with him.” A shiver ran across her skin. “I don’t know. Maybe believing I had been abducted was easier than facing the hard facts.”
Her eyes opened and she locked her stare with the inquisitive eyes of the doctor.
“Being lured is worse than having the choice taken away from me entirely. I agreed to stay there with him…” Her voice trailed off on that thought, because, in truth, what she’d done was much worse than simply staying. Unable to bring herself to the point where she could say it aloud, she chose instead to push the conversation along, to remember and understand every detail of what had occurred.
“There’s more to it, Doc. That’s not the end of the story.”
He didn’t immediately respond, but when he finally spoke again, his voice was hesitant and grim. “Then you need to tell me the rest, Alice. I don’t think I need to remind you that time is running out.”
“Good morning.”
A deep voice broke through the giddiness Alice was feeling since the moment she woke. Rolling over to face the man who’d been sleeping so peacefully beside her just seconds before, she smiled. “I hope last night wasn’t too stressful for you.”
Adding humor to her voice, she’d attempted to phrase the statement as more of a joke than a question about her behavior. Alice very rarely remembered what she did in sleep and she wasn’t entirely sure that the night had been as serene as she hoped it had.
“Well,” Max answered, a grin pulling at his lips. “You moved around some at first, but it wasn’t until you attempted to rip out my throat - the entire time calling me a sadistic monster – that I held you down until you stopped screaming, slapped you around a little bit, and then had sex with you until you fell back into a deep sleep. After that, I wrapped my arms around you and held you in place just in case you were planning a second attack.”
Her eyes widened, her heart beating erratically beneath her ribs. “Please tell me you’re joking.” She knew he had to be joking, but with the life she’d lived, with the things her father had done to her, she couldn’t be entirely sure.
A serious expression replaced the once silly grin on his face. “Of course, I’m joking. You slept like a baby the entire night.”
Breathing out a relieved sigh, she smiled shyly. “You’re sure?”
His eyes met hers, concern rolling behind the light blue. “I can’t say for certain, but I assume so because you never woke me up. And I’m a light sleeper, Alice. I would have noticed if you were fighting or screaming.”
Relief filled her, a ray of warmth spreading through her chest and head, her muscles relaxing against her bones as she cuddled up against Max. “That’s the first time that’s ever happened, I think.”