This one kid knew a guy that worked at Time Out New York, and he told him, “You’ve got to write an article about this guy. He’s the number one party animal in the county. He’s becoming a comedian. He’s getting big!” This guy wrote an article, it came out Monday.
Barry Katz called me on Tuesday and he says, “I understand you’re working the door at my club? Do you have any scripts or anything?” I give him a script I’d written, and I go up and do eight minutes. He didn’t watch a second of it. I knew it because it was a small club and you could see.
He says, “I think you’re very talented. Keep working here.” Then left. I’m working out at the gym on Friday morning and he goes, “How would you like to go up in front of David Tochterman tonight?” He’s a casting director and a development guy. He discovered everyone. He discovered Brett Butler, Roseanne. He was working with Will Smith at the time. Barry said, “He read the article and he’s really interested.”
I murder this Friday night. David Tochterman approaches me in the bathroom and says “I think you’re amazing. I want to do a deal.” Then Saturday he calls and he’s like, “Hey, you want to go hang out with Will today?”
“What?”
“Will wants to meet you. We’re going to do a television deal.”
“Fuck!”
He gives me an address and it’s the Beat Factory or the Hit Factory up on the Upper West Side. Recording studio. He’s recording Willenium.
Katz goes up there with me. I walk in, and it’s a huge dance studio, like a ballerina studio with mirrors everywhere, and there’s two folding chairs in the center of the room. The person walking in says, “It’s just him, he just wants to talk to him.”
So Barry leaves. “I’ll be out in the lobby.”
He goes out in the lobby and I sit down in the fucking folding chair and all of the sudden Will walks in. Like, Will Smith. He’s a big guy, like six two, he’s in great shape. Doing movies, getting ready for Ali. Sits down on a folding chair right across from me and he’s like, “Tell me about yourself.”
I just fucking, like, start spewing like a crack head, just “heyheyhey you’re from Philly, my family grew up in Philly, they grew up in the Main Line.”
We’re laughing and we’re talking, and then all of a sudden he says, “Hey, what are you doing tonight?”
“Nothin’.”
“Well, come into the studio, let’s meet the guys. Then why don’t you and me just go see a movie?”
“Okay.”
After I leave, I call my dad. I had just gotten a cell phone.
He asks, “How did it go?”
“Good.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, we’re going to the movies tonight.”
“Who?”
“Me and Will Smith.”
“What?”
“Yeah.”
“Where?”
“At Planet Hollywood. That’s where Will said we’d go to the movies.”
He says, “What the fuck?” Then he says, “Oh, buddy. I’m sorry.”
“What?”
He says, “He’s gonna queer ya.”
“What?!?”
“He’s a Mo Dicker, he’s a Mo Dicker, he’s gonna queer ya.”
“What?!?!?”
“This is how Hollywood works. He wants to fuck you.”
I said “Dad, he doesn’t want to fuck me.”
“What’s more likely: that he wants to do a television deal with a guy that works the door at a comedy club and wants to go see a movie with you? Or he just wants to fuck you?”
I’m like, “Aw, man, I’m getting fucked tonight.”
I remember going back to my house, thinking, “How do I get out of this?” Like now I don’t want to go to the movies. I don’t want to do any of this.
Then I think, “Fuck it. I guess I’m going to go up and play my cards, up until we go all in and see how it all works.” Maybe I can show him some of my flaws that he’s not interested in. Turn him off in some way.
I go up to Planet Hollywood. I walk into the front to the lady. I say, “Is Will Smith here?”
She’s like, “Excuse me?”
“Will Smith?”
“Oh, in the back.”
I walk to the back and it’s the fucking mannequin of Men in Black. It’s like a mannequin of Will Smith, it’s not real Will Smith.
I come back. I go, “No, I’m looking for the man Will Smith.” I remember her looking at me like, “You think celebrities come to Planet Hollywood in New York to have dinner?”
“He told me to meet him here.”
She says, “Well, he’s not here right now, maybe he’s showing up later.”
I just sit.
I’m sitting in the waiting area at the front door and all of a sudden up these stairs comes a six-seven 350-pound black guy named Charlie Mack and he just looks around and says, “You Bert?”
“Yeah.”
“Downstairs.”
“Okay.”
Now I’m like, “Great, I’ve got to fuck this guy too. Fucking six-seven Charlie Mack.” I walk downstairs, there’s nine other black guys. It’s got a table in it, with nothing on it and a curtain and it’s nine black guys and Charlie Mack.
“Great. Now I’ve gotta fuck these nine, Charlie Mack, Will Smith. I’m sure Jazzy Jeff’s showing up. I’m fucking Jazzy Jeff too.”
I just stand and no one talks to me. No one makes eye contact with me. No one engages me. I’m just standing against this curtain, thinking, “This is how it goes down.” Like that’s all that’s going through my head. Panicking. Started as a TV deal, and now these guys are going to play leaky submarine with me all night. All of a sudden Will comes down with Jazzy Jeff and I’m like, “Okay. This is how it goes down.”
He says, “This is the guy.” Everyone is like, “Oh, okay.”
He says, “Bert, are you ready?”
I say, “Yeah, I guess.” Like, let’s do this.
The curtain opens behind me and there’s a private theater behind me. Like there is a real private theater in Planet Hollywood behind me with huge couches. They all start walking and I see them and I’m like, “What the? There’s a fucking movie theater?”
Will was like, “What did you think was happening?”
I was like, “Nothing at all.”
We sit, we watch American Pie, and then I start recognizing all the guys in the room. It’s Kool Moe Dee, it’s Biz Markie, Big Daddy Kane. I’m thinking “I could have fucked Kool Moe Dee? I could have fucked Biz Markie? My list of gay interactions would have been through the roof!”
We watched American Pie. We were drinking and having a great time and Will was like, “What did you think of the movie?”
“It was awesome!”
He was like, “What was the best part?”
“The part where I didn’t fuck twelve black guys!”
That was the best day of my life.
ANNA KENDRICK—ACTOR, SINGER
When I got cast in Up in the Air, I thought it was a mistake. My agents said, “We think you’re going to get an offer on Monday.” I said, “Guys, you were not in that room with me, it did not go well.” I thought they didn’t like me. I was like, “Okay, great.” Driving home from Santa Monica like, “That’s solved.”
Marc
The long ride after the bad audition.
Anna
Exactly, so brutal. Doing it again in your head like, “Oh God, why didn’t I play it like this?”