They’re like, “This is bad.”
“What’s happening?”
“This woman is trying to kill Didi’s daughter.”
They told him about the tape, and the message, and Charlie’s like, “That was Jon Benjamin.”
Immediately. “That was my friend Jon Benjamin.”
BIG JAY OAKERSON—COMEDIAN
I was driving strippers and escorts to bachelor parties. A friend of mine said his girlfriend’s dad works for this company.
“Yeah, he just goes and drives the girls and you stand there and collect the money for them and then you leave.”
I thought it was going to be the best job ever, but it’s a very dangerous job. You get a bunch of drunk guys around like one vagina, it gets hostile pretty quick and they’re all jockeying for position. The thing is, on the phone you can’t call a company like that and say flat out, “Do these girls fuck if you pay them?” They’ll always be like, “You know, they have fun.” When you get there you never know what’s going to happen.
You walk in, nine times out of ten, these guys have an expectation like, “Well, how much does it cost to fuck the girl?” Then I got to go, “Ahh, she doesn’t really do that.” They’re like, “What?” They get angry and they start getting aggressive.
Marc
You would go bring one girl to a place and there’d be five guys who want to fuck her?
Jay
Oh man, I wish those numbers were right.
No, it was one or two girls and there’d be fifteen to twenty guys.
I thought everyone would be docile like myself and they’d be excited there was pussy in the room and they’d be too nervous to try to do anything else and they’d leave.
I had a gun pulled on me. The first time I ever got confident in a physical confrontation in one of these shows, a guy pulled a gun on me in Atlantic City. It was two girls and they were getting changed back into their clothes. It was after the show. An old Italian guy is banging on the door trying to get in. He wasn’t a scary-looking guy at all. I walked out of the room and I told the guy, “You can’t go in. The show’s over. It’s all done.” He says, “No, I’m going to go in. I paid for this.” I was like, “No, no, what you paid for is over. The show’s done.” He says, “Well, I paid for it so I say I can go in there.” Very confident I say, “Well, I’m saying you can’t go in there, so what are we going to do?”
He pulled out a gun and put it right between my eyes. Loaded, cocked, I have no idea, but he put it right between my eyes. I remember the first thought in my mind was “I don’t give a shit about these two girls at all. They’re just animal drug addicts. Why do I have a gun in my face?” I used to be afraid of rain when I was a kid. I’m a mama’s boy and I cry more than I should and now I’m trying to be here and be like a badass to protect these two animals. They don’t give a fuck if I get shot for them. They’ll go out there and fight the guy themselves. This is better than their home life, what they’re living right now.
Marc
What did you do?
Jay
I said nothing and then he laughed and put the gun down by his side and walked away. I love telling stories like that and your friends always say, “Dude, he just walked away and put the gun down by his side. I would have fucking tackled—” I’m like, “Would you have? I’m happy he didn’t shoot me in the face.” I feel like I won.
“Oh, dude. Man. He turned his back on you? You could have—” “Could have what?” I was proud of myself for not shitting my pants when he did that. Proud of myself. That was one of the scares, gun in my face.
Another time I had to drive two miles down a dirt road. The boss called me up and he really presented it to me very bluntly. He says, “You’re going to drive this black girl and this Puerto Rican girl to a racist biker party.” I thought he was kidding. Do you care about these girls’ safety at all, because what am I going to do?
We met the guys at a liquor store because they said we wouldn’t find the place. This was in South Jersey. Right when we’re driving down that road, I always assume we’re in agreement. I always think these girls aren’t, like, ballsy and they’re afraid too, but they’re never afraid. We drive two miles down this dirt road, and as I’m driving on the road, I’m looking at the girls. I thought we were all in agreement that we’re going to leave. We’re going to wait for them to get far enough ahead where we can just turn around and we can bug out of here. The girls just wanted to go in and make the money. They really didn’t care. They kept saying, “We’ve got a job to do.” Like they were doing noble work. “Hey no, we signed up for this. We’re not going AWOL.”
I had to go in first to call the boss, and when I walked in, everything was confirmed. There was a bed. There were guns all over the bed. It was the biker version of when you come to a party and someone’s like, “Put your coats on the bed.” There were guns all over.
I called my boss. He says, “How is it?” I was like, “Nah.” He goes, “Is it scary?” I was like, “Yeah.” The bikers were all around me, so I can’t say that there are guns. He says, “Are there are guns?” I’m like, “Uh-huh.” He says, “Are they holding them on you?” I say, “Not yet.” He says, “I talked to them on the phone, they’re good dudes,” and just hung up.
They actually didn’t cause much of a problem with me. There was an internal biker problem. It scared the shit out of me. The girls went into the bathroom to change into their stripper clothes and a lady came out in a robe from a bedroom, clearing her eyes like she didn’t know that there was, like, a very loud biker bachelor party happening in the next room. Just confused by the whole thing. Tries to go to the bathroom and the strippers, they have the class of nothing, so they were like, “Bitch, we’re in here.” She got mad and started a big fight.
Then her husband, I guess, her old man, he came out of the bedroom in tighty-whiteys and nothing else. Real scrawny, feathered hair, and he starts arguing and I guess one of the bikers was his brother and they went over and started fistfighting right in front of me. My jaw was on the floor. I was very visible at this point. All these bikers are like, this guy’s not going to do anything. I was terrified. They pulled out a gun and the brother in the tighty-whiteys ran through the screen of the back door. Right through it. Just took the screen right out and jumped over the deck and took off into the woods. The brother shot into the woods like nine times.