The funny thing was, the kids would come over during the day, from the neighborhood, and play with the rabbits or the chickens or whatever, and they’d come back to find that their favorite rabbit they were playing with was gone. They’re like, “What happened to Fluffy?”
“We ate him. We’re eating his sister tonight.”
DAVE ATTELL—COMEDIAN, ACTOR
I used to work for my dad. My parents had a bridal dress, tuxedo rental shop, and I worked there from the time I was sixteen ’til I was, I guess, nineteen, which is slave, underage, whatever, right? No, I guess not.
I did everything. I cleaned the store. I was head of shipping and receiving. I sold shoes. It was me and my grandpa, so I was his boss.
My dad was a man. I one time saw my dad, with full-blown diabetes, lift a hundred-and-fifty-pound cash register, like one of these old cash registers, just by himself. I was the guy who was working out. Back then every kid in Long Island lifted weights and practiced karate. I couldn’t lift it, and he just fucking lifted it, put it over there, lit a cigar, and said, “What next? What do we have to do next?” I’m like, “Only a man can do that because he knew it had to be done.”
RUSSELL PETERS—COMEDIAN
My dad was a meat inspector. He worked in a chicken plant. He would come out stinking every day. My mom worked in the cafeteria at Kmart. With the Salisbury steak, you know? A great day for us would be when there was Salisbury steak left over and my mom would bring it home. Or hot dogs, we’re like, “Yes!”
Everyone always asked me, “What about being a doctor or a lawyer?” I’m like, “There’s none in my family.”
JOE MANDE—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR
Both of my parents were trial lawyers, so there were a few years where I just didn’t talk to my parents. Between my sister and I we would just get cross-examined on everything. We would be sitting at the dinner table, if they smelled anything fishy they were back on the clock and just grilling us until they figured out what the issue was or whatever.
My sister and I both handled that in different ways. I think from seventh to tenth grade, I basically just pleaded the Fifth on everything. I mean, I just didn’t talk to them because I didn’t want to incriminate myself, so there were a few years where I hardly ever talked to my parents.
My sister, on the other hand, she just plead insanity. My sister was just this wall of noise. Any time my parents tried to confront her on it, she’d just scream and slam her door. Actually, that’s a much better tactic. I just internalized everything.
RON FUNCHES—COMEDIAN, ACTOR
I remember my first day of school. My mom was just being like, “Hey, some kids are going to like you, some kids are not going to like you for who you are. Don’t ever change who you are for them. If kids like you, cool. If they don’t, fuck them.”
Marc
Goddamn. I wish I had your mom.
Ron
She made her own mistakes too, but she’s pretty awesome.
JOE MANDE
In high school, they thought I had the most severe case of IBS they’d ever seen. They thought it was stomach cancer because I literally, for about four years, woke up every morning with just explosive diarrhea. Just every morning, that was just part of my routine.
I was at this thing for my Jewish youth group when I was like fifteen. We were on a bus in Wisconsin and we had just gone to Taco Bell. I mean, already, red flags. It’s always, like, sort of Russian roulette with Mexican food. Mexican roulette. Immediately, I just knew I had to go and I was in a school bus, so there was no bathroom.
I had to go up to my rabbi at the front of the bus and say, “You know, bad things are happening to me. We really need to pull over at the next rest stop.” He was like, “Yeah, I’ll make sure of it,” so I went to the back of the bus. The rest stop was five miles ahead and I’m just like pacing and then the bus driver just blew right past it. The next rest stop wasn’t for, like, forty-five miles and my body was going to explode.
To this day, I can’t listen to Tom Petty without thinking of it. I put on the Wildflowers album and it was the only time I’ve ever successfully meditated. I meditated for those forty-five minutes until the next rest stop and then I ran. My friend came into the bathroom and he said he’s never heard a human body make those kinds of noises. Everyone on the bus was waiting for me, I mean, I was in there for like thirty-five minutes just evacuating. I probably hurt my body in the long run the way I was clenching every muscle. To this day I still don’t know how I did it, because it was bad.
CONAN O’BRIEN
This is not my nose. My nose was completely rebuilt. I was beaten up.
I ran into a street gang. I was wearing a T-shirt that had the Irish flag on it. They were Italian. This was right near the aquarium in Boston. I was with my friend at the time. This is late high school. They beat the shit out of me, because I was a little bit of a wise guy. They said they wanted fifty cents, and I said, “No.”
They said, “Why not?”
I said, “I don’t feel like it.”
Just as I finished that “it,” the tah sound, I got hit so hard in the face. I remember it was over pretty quickly. I went to the emergency room, and the doctor, I’ll never forget his name, Dr. Constable. He had a British accent. He looked kind of crazy. He had crazy hair, and he looked like the poet Ezra Pound.
I said, “Is my nose broken?”
He said, “Broken? Good God, man, it’s a bag of bones!” I’ll never forget that.
JOE MANDE
In ninth grade, I took Spanish. It was the only nonhonors class I ever took. I was very short and had braces and sweater vests. I don’t know why I wore sweater vests. I thought it was cool.
I got into Spanish the first day of class and it was just me and the JV basketball team. That was the class, basically. I was like, “It’ll be fine. I listen to Outkast or whatever.” I sit down and they were just ruthless. They would make fun of me, they would call me names, they would choke me. I got choked a lot but it was never violent, they just would come up from behind when I wasn’t expecting it. Sometimes it was piano wire. They had piano wire. They would wrap wire around my neck and I would freak out, obviously, and then they would let go and just crack up. They’d be like, “Ahh, you stupid.”
Marc
“Look at him! He’s frightened for the right reason.”
Joe
Right, what an idiot. I was like, “How stupid of me to freak out.” They would throw empty cans of soda at my head and stuff. It sucked.