“No seas asi.” Don’t be like that, she said.
How else could I be when she tore all the love, time, and effort I put into Josh and Louie to shreds in seconds? How? I didn’t do everything for them, but I did a lot, and no one could say I didn’t put them first. But that was exactly what my mom had implied and it hurt a hell of a lot more than it should have. I didn’t think she ever would have told my brother what she had just said to me if he hadn’t been able to get off work to pick them up.
“I get off work at seven. I’ll pick Lou up then….” For one brief, hurtful moment, I thought about not telling my mom I loved her. Every single time we got off the phone, I made sure to. That went with all of my loved ones. But as quickly as the thought came into my head, I knew I couldn’t do it, no matter how angry I was. So I rushed it. “Love you, bye.”
I hung up on her and didn’t even feel bad about it.
I had done a lot of stupid, selfish things in my life, but I didn’t want Louie or Josh to ever be affected by those kinds of decisions. Not ever. But my mom had stomped on me and made me feel like the biggest douchebag on the planet, even if I had asked Louie if he was okay.
I was trying my best, I thought. Most of the time I did pretty well.
Pon más atención.
Oh man, it felt like she’d sucker punched me. I did pay attention to them. How could she make it seem like I didn’t?
All this weight settled nicely on my chest, and I let my heart swim around in my mom’s words. I had just let out a deep, shaky breath when I heard, “Diana!”
Literally standing three feet away from me, in the opposite direction I’d been facing, were Trip and Dallas right outside of the tattoo parlor next door to the deli I had, at some point, stopped pacing in front of. Great. Had they overheard? “Hi,” I greeted Trip a little weakly, knowing he was the one who had called my name.
He didn’t even try to pretend he hadn’t listened in. “You okay, honey?”
Being judged and found lacking by the people who were supposed to love you never left anyone feeling all right, and I didn’t see a point in pretending otherwise when chances were he had heard enough to know I wasn’t. I wasn’t trying to impress him, or much less Dallas, by not being upset at something so personal. “You ever disappoint your parents?” I asked the blond with a forced smirk, trying to make light of something I wanted to believe happened to every child no matter what the age—something I didn’t want to ever have Lou or Josh feel.
Trip’s chuckle was so rich and honest, I knew I had done the right thing by not going the strong route. “Only every day.”
I couldn’t help but smile a little, even if he was lying.
He winked at me before asking, “Getting lunch?” with that flirty grin that didn’t do anything for me right then.
“I just needed to get out of the salon for a minute to deal with this,” I said, giving my phone a shake as I kept my gaze on Trip and not the brown-haired man beside him who had eaten dinner at our place two nights ago. “Getting a tattoo on your lunch break?” I tried to joke.
It was my neighbor who responded, forcing me to glance in his direction. “No. I’m getting some work done,” he explained just like that.
“Oh.” I nodded and looked away from him, not sure how long it was okay for me to make eye contact before I crossed the fine line of our friendship or whatever it was. “Umm, my little one is sick right now, and I’m not sure if Josh caught it or not.”
“What’s wrong with Louie?” Dallas asked almost instantly about the little boy who had sat beside him—and a couple of times partially on top of him—for hours, playing some shooting game.
My shrug was more helpless than I would have liked for it to be. “Strep throat.”
Both men winced and I nodded.
“I need to give Josh a call and check up on him, he’s supposed to have batting practice tonight but I don’t know if he’s sick or not.” God, I hoped not. “I’ll see you later.”
“Okay, see ya, honey,” Trip said.
I smiled at him and just as I did that, Dallas added, “Hope Lou feels better.”
I smiled at him too and watched as both men turned and headed down the street toward the parking lot or mechanic shop, wherever they were going.
Not bothering to cross the street again, I dialed Josh’s school from where I was on the sidewalk, asking first and then demanding that they put him on the phone so I could make sure he was feeling fine. I waited outside the deli until his voice came over the line.
“Hi?”
“J, it’s Di. You okay?”
“Uhh, yeah, why?” He quickly added, “Are you okay? Is everything okay?”
Here went another ton of guilt. I was such an idiot. “Everything is fine. Don’t worry. I’m sorry. Louie got sick and your abuelita had to go pick him up. I just wanted to check with you and make sure you’re feeling okay.”
The long exhale out of him made my heart hurt. “I thought…,” he whispered, his relief evident. “I’m not sick, but you can come pick me up if you want.”
This kid. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Get back to class. Your grandpa is picking you up today,” I said, even though I was sure he hadn’t forgotten. Our schedules hadn’t changed much over the last two years.
“’Kay, bye.”
“Bye, I love you.”
“Love you too,” he whispered right before the line went dead. At least someone loved me.
Wiping at my eyes with the back of my hand, I didn’t realize until right then that I’d gotten teary-eyed at some point. Jesus. I wasn’t sure why I let my mom’s words bother me so much; it wasn’t the first time she’d said a variation of me not doing a good enough job with the boys. It wouldn’t be the last either.
*
“What you’re trying to tell me is that you’ve reached blue whale status?”
Vanessa’s laugh on the other end of the phone made me smile as I steered the car down the street toward my house. “Shut up.”
“You’re the one carrying a full-sized kid. I’m only speaking the truth, and you can’t handle the truth.”
“The doctor said he’s in the highest percentile in size—”
“No shit.”
“But he’s not that big—”
“Compared to what exactly? A baby elephant?” Some days, all a girl needed was to talk to her best friend to make a day that hadn’t been great better. I had done enough thinking and replaying everything that happened with my mom. I didn’t want to deal with it any more than I already had, so I’d been relieved when my phone rang and Vanessa’s name had flashed across the screen.
She groaned. “I haven’t gained that much weight,” she argued. “I’m all belly.”
“Until the belly eats the rest of you,” I joked, earning a big laugh out of her that made me smile. “I promise I’m going to try and schedule my trip to visit you. Everything has just been hectic lately. I barely have time to use the bathroom, and even then, someone is banging on the door asking for something.”
“I know, Di. It’s fine. I wanted to tell you I mailed Josh’s birthday present yesterday. Are you ready for his party?”