My heart shattered in my chest. Because she did need them. She needed them bad. Her antibiotics prevented lung and sinus infections, and her inhalers opened her airway. Not only did my sister need her medications, she literally couldn’t breathe without them.
“I threw away the receipt,” I lied. “Besides, I can always get them to raise the limit on my credit card.” Another lie. No one in their right mind was going to give me more credit. I was already neck-deep in debt.
“No,” she interrupted again, spinning me around to face her. She gripped my hands. Hers were so cold I wanted to cry. I must’ve flinched, because Rosie withdrew them quickly. “It’s bad circulation. I’m feeling really well, I swear. Listen to me, Millie. You’ve done enough for me. Made too many sacrifices along the way. Maybe it’s time for me to go live with Mama and Daddy.”
Tears welled in her eyes, but she smiled. I shook my head and gathered her hands, rubbing them to warm her up.
“You’ve only got two years left on your degree here. You’d have to start over in California, even if you could find a program you could afford. Stay. There are zero opportunities for people like us in Todos Santos.”
Besides, our parents were still broke. So were we, but I was much better at shouldering the financial burden. I was young and still had fight in me. Our parents were old and worn-out, two sixty-something servants living in California, still in that stupid servants’ apartment on the Spencer estate.
It wasn’t that bad for us most of the time. Rosie had worked too, until pneumonia knocked her on her butt. The wet, cold fall had made her sicker, and now winter had hit early and we were behind on the heat bill. But spring was going to come. Cherry trees were going to blossom. We were going to get better. I knew we would.
Still, telling her about my encounter with Vicious was out of the question. She didn’t need another reason to worry.
“I need a distraction.” I rubbed my face, changing the subject.
“You can say that again.” She tugged on her lower lip before turning and walking toward my easel in the corner of the small room.
The easel held a half-finished painting I was working on—a sandstorm rising to an inky black sky. An art collector from Williamsburg named Sarah had ordered the painting. She used to work for Saatchi Art and was still tight with gallery owners all over the city. I wanted to impress her. I wanted to get my foot in the door. I also needed the money.
Rosie knew painting soothed my soul.
She took out the half-squeezed oil tubes, my brushes, and wooden palette, mimicking my usual routine when I prepared to paint. Then she swayed her hips to our old stereo, put on “Teardrop” by Massive Attack, and silently made me some coffee.
I loved my baby sister so much in that moment. It reminded me the sacrifices I made for her were worth it.
I painted as cold December rain furiously knocked on our window. Rosie plopped onto our mattress and talked to me like when we were in high school, exchanging notes about people we went to school with.
“If you could fulfill one dream, what would it be?” she mused, propping her pajama-clad legs against the cold wall.
“Own a gallery of my own,” I answered without even thinking, a stupid smile plastered all over my face. “You?”
She picked at the fringe of the pillow she was hugging to her chest. “Get that damn degree and become a nurse,” she said. “Wait, scrap that. Jared Leto. My dream is to marry Jared Leto. I’d take a stab at Jared Leto. I’m not even talking about, like, a shallow wound. I’m talking a full-blown, deep-cut, ER-worthy stab. I mean, we’d be able to afford it. He’s doing very well for himself.”
I shook my head. She laughed, prompting me to do the same. Lord, Rosie.
I knew it was important to box up these kinds of moments, keep them locked away in my heart, and call them up when things got hard. Because moments like these reminded me that my life was hard, but not bad. There was a difference between the two.
A hard life equaled a life full of obstacles and challenging moments but also full of people you loved and cared about.
A bad life equaled an empty life. One that wasn’t necessarily hard or challenging but was devoid of the people you loved and cared about.
By the time I was done painting, my fingers were numb and my lower back ached from standing in a weird position for hours. We shared mac and cheese and chicken broth and watched “The One With The Lottery” episode of Friends for the six-millionth time. Rosie mouthed all the punch lines, her eyes never leaving the TV, and eventually fell asleep in my arms, snoring softly, her lungs wheezing for air.
I was confused. Tired. A little hungry.
But above all, blessed.
Four days passed before I caved and bought a new phone. I didn’t want to spend the money, but how else would potential employers contact me? It was nothing fancy. The kind of Nokia from before the smartphone era. But I could text and make calls and even play some old-school games like Snake.
I’d been spending the week knocking on recruitment agencies’ doors during the day and working shifts at McCoy’s at night. Rachelle begged the other waitresses to give me their shifts so I could pay the rent, and even though I was embarrassed, I was mostly just grateful.
Rosie took her medicine, but she was still getting worse and worry gnawed at my gut.
It was the apartment.
We didn’t have adequate heating in our tiny Sunnyside studio, and sometimes it was colder inside than it was out. I often found myself jogging in place, doing jumping jacks to warm up. Little Rose didn’t have that option because she was always out of breath.
I didn’t know how to get out of the financial hole I’d been digging ever since I’d offered to have her come live with me. She’d wanted to study in New York, so I temporarily gave up on my internship at an art gallery and took the PA job to support us.
That was two years ago.
Stuck in a rut, I needed a miracle to survive until Rosie was back on her feet.
My mind drifted to Vicious and the fact that he hadn’t come back to McCoy’s. Well, at least there are small miracles to be thankful for.
I was mostly happy about it, but an occasional pang of sorrow would pierce my heart at the thought of him. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t left a tip. He really was a heartless bastard.
It was another cold night, and I was getting back from a double shift at the bar. I held on to the bannisters in our building as I fumbled my way up the dark staircase of the Italianate-style brownstone. The hallway upstairs was dark too, because the landlord hadn’t bothered to replace the dead lightbulbs. I couldn’t complain since I was late on the rent almost every month.
My arms were stretched out in front of me as I felt my way down the hall. A shriek escaped my lungs when moonlight slanted through the tall window near my apartment door. A large shadow fell across me.