“I know,” he whispers, stroking the back of my hair. “You have to lock that away. You have to hold it down until you’ve escaped.”
“I can’t.”
“You can. You’re an actress, Lara.”
“I was never an actress. All I can do is sing. I’m not even sure I can do that now.”
He wraps an arm across my shoulders. “You’re a terrific actress, and you can sing. You must. It’s a chance none of us ever had. He would want you to take it.”
I look into his eyes once more, and for a second he allows me to see the pain he keeps at bay. It’s not enough to give me hope. Still, something in my chest shifts. I don’t know what it is or why.
Perhaps I still want to live, to survive this. Perhaps I believe it’s what Mark would want me to do…
Only, how can I live without him?
Roland gives me another hug, and I close my eyes as a tear slides down my nose. Then I nod.
“That’s my girl,” he whispers, and with a quick kiss to my ear, he releases me and goes to the door. “Come as soon as you’re ready, and we’ll practice the songs. Exercise your voice.”
The door closes and I turn to the mirror. I stare deeply into my own eyes, clear blue sky. They’re still beautiful, but they’re broken now. The eyes I want to see are gone, lost to memories, but Roland says I have to box that up. Put it away and run through the door that’s open.
My pace slows as I approach the stage. The scrubbing and brushing has done little to change the hollow in my chest, but a quick survey in the mirror shows my appearance has improved.
My soles crackle as I tread on the rosin left over from last night’s performance, and as always, I inhale the faint smell of cigar smoke mixed with earthy mildew as I approach the lighted stage.
I’m still in the wings when I see a familiar figure.
“You’re up,” Molly says, her arms around her waist.
She doesn’t come to me or reach out for a hug. She seems completely closed and distant. She’s changed. I’m not sure how much she knows about what happened to me, so I go to her and touch her hair, trying to calm my racing heart. The thought of walking into view onstage almost causes me to run back to my dressing room, but Roland is right. I have to get back out here for her as well as me.
“Do you feel like singing today?” She frowns as she studies my face.
I force a smile. “Doesn’t matter. The show must go on, right?”
“I wouldn’t if I were you.”
“Working helps me feel better,” I lie. “And Freddie’s coming back.”
Her brow furrows. “We’re still doing that?”
“I promised you—”
“A lot of things.” Her voice is flat.
“I need to find Roland.”
I walk toward the lighted stage as the piano music starts a fast tune. I hear the tapping feet of dancers out front and wait a moment before stepping forward. Molly’s presence, watching me, is the only thing that keeps me moving.
Everyone stops when I step into the light. Bea crosses to embrace me, and I stiffen.
“How are you feeling?” The soft concern in her voice is fake, but I follow Roland’s instruction and force a smile.
“Better.”
She squeezes my hands and then walks back toward Vanessa, who watches me from afar. Bea says something quietly to her, but I don’t try to understand what it is. I focus my gaze on the piano and continue walking.
Roland looks up and smiles. “You look very good.” I reach across the top of the piano and grasp his hand for a moment. “Feel like singing?”
“Not really.” My insides are numb, and as I dressed, a major roadblock to our escape had entered my mind. “We don’t have passports.”
“Shit! Passports…” He stands in front of the piano, brow furrowed as he thinks. The cigarette goes between his lips, and he blinks away the tendril of smoke. “I have an idea… I’ll take care of it.”
I’m about to argue it’s impossible when Gavin’s voice stops me. “Better today?”
His tone is gentle but I’m unable to fight my response. Pure rage.
Roland reads my face and jumps in. “We’re just about to go over the songs for tonight. Do you need us?”
Gavin shakes his head. “Just wanted to check on Lara.”
I look away as he tries to catch my eye. I can’t forgive him for letting this happen. To anyone. I don’t know which is worse, the monster or the monster who hides him, who allows him to prey on the innocent.
“Well, on with the show,” he says and turns to leave.
Roland stands and comes around to me. “I know how you’re feeling. Like you want to scream at everyone. But you can get through it.”
I look up at him.
“Remember tonight and Freddie and leaving this place.”
23
“One day I will have a body you have never touched.”
Lara
By the finale climb, I’m weak and exhausted from acting.
I don’t feel happy or sad.
I don’t feel anything.
But in the show I have to be ecstatic, so I raise my arms and smile as hard as I can while the spotlight flashes off the crystals in my costume, in my hair, and the glitter on my skin.
At the top of the ladder, Jeffrey is back, and it’s like a spear down the inside of my body. For the first time, I understand Tanya’s motivation for taking the drugs. It’s going to take something very strong to kill this pain, if that’s even possible.
I walk to the bench and sit.
My eyes are fixed on the dark crowd far below, and as I descend I glance back out of habit.
No one is there.
My grip loosens on the ropes and I consider letting go, falling and letting my body be smashed on the stage floor below.
The end.
But I hold on and open my mouth as the smile and the song pour out with no soul attached to them.
Onstage, I’m the dark angel. I prance and swirl as my voice rings out. The final V, the swirl of musty velvet curtains, and the crowd roars—a standing ovation.
I walk slowly back to my dressing room, and when I open the door, a bouquet of roses greets me. Instantly I’m onstage again.
“Darling!” Freddie’s voice is euphoric, and I almost don’t have time to recover before he grasps my hand and drags my entire body to his chest. His mouth covers mine, and it takes all my strength not to pull away.
“Freddie.” I fight to seem happy. “Careful, your shirt.” I step back and pretend to dust makeup off his shirtfront.
“I couldn’t care less.” He smiles, running his eyes down my bare breasts. I quickly step over and pull my dressing gown around me. He clears his throat and seems to wake from a spell. “You were incredible tonight. I’ve never seen you so stunning. I take it you’re well? Did you get my letter?”
“I did. It made me so happy.”
Relief passes over his face, and again he catches me by the shoulders. His gray eyes are warm as he pulls me to his chest, kissing me longer this time. I inhale his rich, spicy scent and try not to think of fresh air and citrus.
“I couldn’t be apart from you another day,” he says. “But I only came to get you. Our flight out is tomorrow afternoon. I hope that gives you enough time?”
My eyebrows rise, but I nod with forced anticipation. “The sooner the better.”