“No baby, I haven’t,” I replied, peeling my eyes away from the prospect that emerged from the kitchen wearing an apron and carrying a tray of antipasto. “You ladies have been keeping busy,” I muttered.
“It was Grace and Maria’s idea,” she explained. “They said when you guys bring Reina and Blackie home you deserve a meal. Well, that’s what Grace said—Maria said you all should starve for being scoundrels. Though they both agreed that Reina and Blackie would be hungry so they decided to do all this to welcome them home,” she informed, signaling with her arms around the room, speaking just as animated as the Pastore women.
I smiled half-heartedly, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. Nikki walked up to us and pounded her fist against my chest playfully.
“Can I grub a cigarette, Bulldog?” She asked, flashing me a smile, reminding me of a time when I took her and Mike to a safe house and she robbed my Marlboros from me. I reached into my vest and pulled out my pack and handed them over to her.
“You’re my hero,” she exaggerated, pulling one from the pack. “If my mother looks for me tell her I’m slicing a salami or something,” she whispered, before sneaking out the door.
“Nikki’s going to dye my hair,” Lacey said, looking after her as she stepped outside.
I looked down at my daughter, her voice becoming muted as she rambled on about highlights and ombre something or other. I could see the fear reflected in her eyes and my heart clenched knowing I was the reason behind it. My mind drifted to Vic, and I finally understood the sacrifices he made and why he did so. I reached for her and brought her against my chest, holding onto her tightly, wishing I could erase all the harm I’ve ever caused her.
“Dad,” she said, pushing against my chest and lifting her eyes to mine, morphing from my little girl to a young woman wise enough to know her father was splitting at the seams. “I see that look in your eye and it scares me. Scares me more than any man charging into my house, more so than Blackie telling me I need to hide in a closet because they’re coming for me.”
She bit her lower lip and fought against the tears that glazed her eyes.
“They say we associate things with our childhood; scents, songs, even toys.
They’re supposed to help us remember when our minds grow old with age and we are trying to hang onto our youth. I saw that look in your eyes my entire childhood and I’ll never forget it. I hate that look because it’s a reminder that for the last thirteen years, since Jack died, you didn’t want to be here anymore. I remember looking into your eyes and wondering if that day was the day you wouldn’t come back to me, if you’d lose the struggle and end up with Jack.” She paused for a moment and I blew out a breath, one I didn’t realize I was hanging onto. “You always came back,” she smiled sadly, and then the tears fell from her eyes. Her admission broke every last piece of my heart. “I told myself it was because you realized I was still here and I still needed you, that you knew how much I loved you and how it would break my heart if I lost you,” she cried.
“Lacey…” I whispered, my voice hoarse as I tried to find the words to soothe my daughter. In that moment, Cain’s face appeared to me and my mind wandered to a time when he talked me off the ledge.
Look at me, Bulldog.,
You’ll never see your boy grow into a man but do you want to miss out on that beautiful girl of yours too? She’s a looker, Jack, going to have bastards like us banging down the door to get a piece of her. With you gone, no one there to filter through the shit and find her the one that deserves her heart.
“Dad?” She said softly, and I shook my head, shaking Cain and the memories away so I could focus on Lacey. “I know you miss Jack, but I’m still here,” she whispered. “And I need my dad. I’ll always need you so please promise me you’ll come back to me.”
“I love you, Lace,” I whispered, pressing my lips to her forehead before I enveloped her into a tight embrace. “And I promise you a pack of wild horses couldn’t stop me from coming back to you. We’ll make good memories, I swear it.”
I had let my mind control me for too long, robbing me of a chance at giving my daughter the childhood she deserved. I’d swear on a stack of bibles that when this shit was over I’d make things right with her. She’d look at me and know that I needed her just as much as she needed me.
The door opened behind me and my club members walked inside.
“Bulldog,” Pipe called.
“Yeah…” I said, pulling away from my daughter, dropping one more kiss to the top of her head and brushing her tears away with my thumb. “Dry those eyes, your old man will be back,” I whispered.
Nikki stepped back into the clubhouse, spritzing herself with body spray to cover the cigarette smell and walked over to Lacey. She ran her fingers over her hair as she glanced at me, treating me to a wink.
“Come on, let’s see about dying these locks,” she said.