“I was lonely, Cole.” My voice trembles, and the backs of my eyes burn. “You were dead, and I…I missed you so much. I thought, maybe, if I put myself out there again, if I spent the night with someone, I wouldn’t hurt so badly.” Tears sneak into my words, breaking up the syllables. “I started thinking I was sick, you know. Like I had an addiction to grief and heartache, because I couldn’t pull myself out of it and—”
“Danni.” Cole cups my face, lifting my chin to look at me. “I get it, baby. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t fucking breathe without you. You don’t have to explain it. I felt every mile and second that separated us, and I’m so goddamn sorry.”
“Did you…um…?” I grip his wrist and swallow. And swallow again. “Did you seek comfort…?”
“With another woman?” His eyes widen. “God, no.” Then louder. “No.”
My heart thuds wildly. “It’s been four and a half years since you…you…had sex?”
“You’re the only one.” He searches my face, his expression earnest.
Why do I suddenly feel so cold? I shouldn’t be stunned by this. Cole is unwavering in his loyalty to me. I just…I hadn’t let myself hope.
He was faithful.
And I wasn’t.
As the realization settles in my chest, my lungs work harder. My breaths become shallow, and I gulp for air.
I wasn’t faithful to him. I wasn’t faithful.
Sweat beads on my skin. Shadows blot my vision. Oh God, I can’t breathe.
Trace moves in my periphery, and his hand clutches my arm. “Danni?”
“Give her space.” Cole brushes the hair from my face. “Breathe, baby. Deep breaths.”
“I’m good.” I push him back, wheezing as I try to keep the sobs from escaping. “Just give me a minute.”
“This isn’t your fault.” Cole leans away, but doesn’t go far.
“None of this is your fault.” Trace hovers beside me, the heat of his body a comforting presence.
“I know.” I pull in a deep breath, and another. “But I feel this…this overwhelming shame, like I betrayed you. Like I’m betraying both of you.”
Cole reaches for me. “You’re not—”
“I love him, Cole.” I grab Trace’s hand while holding Cole’s wretched gaze. “I love him fiercely, and that’s not all.” I turn to Trace. “When I look at Cole, all the longing and devotion I felt for him comes rushing back. My feelings for him haven’t faded. Not at all.”
A muscle bounces in Trace’s jaw, and his eyes shutter.
“So yeah…” I sniff and glare at the bedding. “I feel confused and helpless and so goddamn guilty. I know this isn’t my fault. It’s yours. Both of you.” I lower my voice. “Which means you probably feel a lot worse than I do.”
Their postures are mirrored—tense shoulders, bowed spines, heads down, and hands fisted. This sucks, but I haven’t said everything I need to say, so I power forward.
“The night I started dating, Trace showed up and chased that guy away. That’s how we met, and it wasn’t a friendly introduction.” With Trace’s hand still curled around mine, I pull it against my lips, breathing across his knuckles. “He bought Bissara—”
“The restaurant you dance at?” Cole’s head shoots up as he glances between us.
“Yeah. He really caught me off guard with that.” I tell Cole about the employment contract, my ridiculous counteroffer, and the obscene salary I’m earning as a result.
Trace tilts his chin. “Hiring you was the easiest way to watch you discreetly.”
“The cameras in the casino,” I say with realization. “And you were such a dick about making me work there five days a week.”
He hired me so he could watch over me and keep me under his roof? That’s crazy. And sweet in a stalkerish way.
As memories of the past six months bubble up, I talk through them for Cole’s benefit, explaining how contentious and hateful my relationship with Trace was in the beginning. I skip over the intimate interactions while punctuating Trace’s dictate on anti-sex, anti-dating, and anti-anything between us.
“He’s the only man who turned my head after you died.” I watch Cole’s brooding expression. “I swore I wouldn’t pursue him, because he was adamant about his disinterest in me. But I couldn’t ignore the way he made me feel when he wasn’t being an asshole.”
A smile twitches my lips, and I catch a glimmer of light in Trace’s eyes.
“It’d been so long since I felt happiness.” Tendrils of warmth unfurl inside me. “Trace made me want to try again.”
Cole squeezes his eyes shut, and with a heavy sigh, he looks at Trace. “Thank you for that. For being there for her.”
Given Cole’s strained expression, it took a lot for him to say that.
“You’re welcome,” Trace says softly. “But she’s not lying. I was cruel to her, and I deeply regret it.”
I hold his hand beneath my chin, thinking back to all his hurtful insults and painful rejections. “I understand now why you treated me the way you did.”
Cole was his best friend. He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with me.
I continue to describe Trace’s behavior to Cole, detailing how Trace repeatedly pushed me away. Then I broach the incident with Marlo and the devastation that followed—the guy I picked up at the bar, the blow job I gave in the car, and the punch Trace delivered in my driveway.
“Jesus Christ.” Cole scrubs a hand down his face and glares at Trace. “You pretended to fuck another woman? That was your solution? Not only did you hurt Danni, you drove her straight into the arms of a stranger!”
“What would you have done?” Trace leans toward him, his throat turning crimson. “I was desperate and torn and at a complete and total loss. I loved her and couldn’t tell her. And she loved me. I couldn’t say no to her anymore. You don’t know what that’s like, Cole, because you’ve never had to hide your feelings from her.”
Cole clasps his hands together behind his neck, his shoulders curling inward. “You forgave him for cheating, Danni?”
“We weren’t technically together, so yeah, I eventually forgave him.” I need to put everything on the table, and there’s no easy way to say this part, so I just spit it out. “That night, Trace and I had sex for the first time.”
A pained noise crawls from Cole’s chest.
“It was angry and bitter and full of so much resentment.” I pull Trace’s hand against my breast, certain he can feel my heart banging. “He left me right after…” I peer over at Trace. “You left me because of Cole. You were shocked, spooked…”
“Sick with guilt.” His fingers curl around mine, his eyes stark. “Because of Cole. But also because I caused you so much pain. I’ve never felt as stricken and worthless as I did that night.”
“You slept in my driveway.”
He nods.
“And took a beating from Virginia’s cane the next morning.” I scrape my teeth against my lip.
Trace gives me another nod.
“You shouldn’t have made contact with her,” Cole whispers.
“You shouldn’t have ever gotten involved with her.” Trace looms over him, scowling. “Your job forbids relationships, because it endangers the people you’re close to. But you ignored that mandate and moved in with her. You got engaged to her. Then you fucking left her.”
“I left her under your protection. The one person I trusted.”
“And I kept her safe.” Trace’s lips pinch, his eyes taking on a lethal glint.