Questions poured through my head, but I said nothing. I had no rights in this situation, not really. Despite today’s accidental oral, he’d made it clear we were over, or unofficial, or whatever the hell exactly we were. And I’d said I accepted it, but would stay to help him anyway.
Yet here he was, confessing. The situation was beyond confusing.
“Do you believe me?” His gaze pinned me to the chair.
“Yes.”
“Good.” Slowly, his shoulders relaxed, lowering. “I can’t handle this coming from her, any more than I can continue things with you. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to go home. Who the hell knows when we’ll see each other again. Eric’s going to need me to have his back; the baby’s funeral is the day after tomorrow. It was a little girl, did you know that? I had a niece.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I haven’t even heard from Dad, but I know Mom is just devastated. God knows when Nell will be back on her feet,” he said. “My family need me here.”
My heart at my feet, I nodded. “I know.”
“But I haven’t even told you the best of it.”
“What?”
“The idiot that hit us found out his insurance won’t cover the cost of repairs,” he said. “So he’s suing me.”
“Wha—” I shook my head, my forehead scrunched up. “How the fuck is that even possible? What planet is he calling this in from?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. Suddenly, pain filled his eyes and he winced, carefully bracing his cast with his free arm. “I don’t know. Got an old school friend who is a lawyer. I’ll call her tomorrow, see when we can talk.”
“That’s insane that he would come after you.” Fury filled me from top to toe. “God damn it.”
“Yeah.”
“He was the one driving with no fucking lights on!”
Joe said nothing, a wide yawn cracking his jaw. “Christ, I’m tired. I don’t remember ever being this tired before.”
“Lie down,” I ordered, getting to my feet, then kneeling at his and undoing his shoes.
“Alex.” Worry lined his face.
“We’re not having sex or doing anything fun. We’re sleeping.” I pulled off his boots and smelly socks. Such is the joy of love. “Go on.”
“I’m not sure. I know things got intense between us today, but—”
“You don’t want to lead me on,” I said. “Relax, Joe. I’m not going to try and start something, launch a surprise attack or something. Can you say the same of Star?”
The dubious look on his face said everything.
I yanked off his second boot and sock with a smile. “Your virtue is safe with me. Lie down.”
“Thank you,” he said, rising to his feet.
I turned down the bed then stepped back so he could lie down. There were shadows under his eyes I hadn’t noticed earlier. More lines on his face than there had been previously. I fetched him an extra pillow for his broken arm, making sure he was comfortably settled for the night. Eyelids closed, he looked slightly more relaxed. Not much, but a little.
When I crawled in beside him, I made sure to leave a definite couple of inches between our bodies. Switzerland, the no-go zone. After all, the man needed his space. Despite this, he reached out, grabbing my hand and holding on tight. The warmth of his skin and the rough patches of his callouses, even the contained strength in his long fingers; I did my best to memorize it all.
Somewhere in the darkness, the sand was slipping through the hourglass, my time left in Coeur d’Alene disappearing to naught.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I don’t believe I’d ever seen anything sadder than the tiny white coffin sitting up in the front of the church.
Roses in every color of the rainbow overflowed from vases and a pianist played softly. The minister spoke, her voice soothing, flowing straight through me. No idea what she said, though. What could you possibly say to help during a time like this? At the myriad of possibilities such a small life would never get to explore. A beloved daughter, a granddaughter, and niece. She was all of these things and yet none.
I sat near the back, leaving plenty of room for family and longtime friends of Nell and Eric. Tears flowed from almost everyone. Nell sat up front between Patrick and Eric. Vaughan, Lydia, Rosie, and Andre sitting on the left, and Joe, Star, and his parents on the right. Afterward, over a hundred colorful helium balloons were released by the mourners. Set to drift off up to the sky, disappearing into the heavens.
Life didn’t last anywhere near as long as we thought. For all its occasional drudgery, it could be so fleeting. Nothing was certain.
Like Patrick, Star remained at Nell’s side during the wake. Nell clutched her hand fiercely, obviously grateful to have her there. I hoped for Nell’s sake, Star did decide to stick around for a while. The Collins’ house was packed with mourners, Taka, Rosie, and Boyd from Dive Bar seeing to all of the food and drink. Joe’s mom seemed so pale, a ghost of herself wandering in and out of rooms as if she didn’t know where she belonged. Stan sat in a lounge chair, staring off at nothing.
It hurt to see Joe’s family and friends like this.
Wrapped up in a woolen jacket, I headed out onto the back patio to get some air. Crying had helped let out some of the emotion and tension filling up inside of me. But it didn’t do anything to ease me feeling like an outsider. Nor the growing anxiety over me needing to get back to my work. The mother of all jobs had fallen into my lap via email the night before. Fortunately, the customer was willing to give me a week to finish up here in Coeur d’Alene before getting down to business. It felt good, to have fresh ideas flooding my head, to get the creative juices flowing. But having the job hanging over my head, the customer’s expectations, everything just waiting, got my nerves all amped up.
Maybe part of me had accepted it was time to go home, even if the thought of leaving Joe cut deep. Gah. Too many thoughts were going around and around in my head. Maybe I should just chop it off.
“Hey,” said Joe. “Wondered where you were hiding.”
I shrugged. “There’s a lot of people in there.”
“Yeah. Thanks for coming today.”
“Of course.”
He sat down on the cool old porch swing beside me, making it gently sway. Last night, he’d slept with me in my hotel room again. And again, nothing had happened. Joe’s libido had gone on hiatus while he dealt with everything. I didn’t really blame it.
“Shit.” He winced, feeling out the best position for his cast. “Man, I can’t wait to get this thing off.”
“When do you go back to the doctor?” I asked.
“Checkup in a couple of days.”
I nodded. “How’s Eric doing?”
Another wince. “I don’t know. Having Star staying with us seems to help distract him a little. They always got on well.”
“That’s good.”
He raised a brow.
“Just because she and I aren’t besties doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s great she’s here for Nell and Eric.”
With his free hand, he gave my knee a squeeze. “Thanks, Little Miss.”