“You looked up pictures of him?” I asked.
“Yes. There were some on the bar’s Facebook page. Had to see who I was hating on.”
“And you really think he’s hot?” I asked Val, curious.
“Hmm?”
“Beast man or whatever you called him.”
“Abso-fucking-lutely. I’d mount that mountain man in a New York minute given half the chance. And no boyfriend, of course.”
“Huh. Your opinion of him seems to have dramatically changed since you got a look at him.”
“Are you inferring that I’m shallow?”
“I wouldn’t dare.”
“Actually,” she said. “I was pretty impressed with how he took me ripping into him the other day on the phone. Not everyone can apologize and admit when they are wrong.”
“Hmm.”
A heavy sigh from Valerie. “Also, now that I’ve settled down with Liam, I really need you to make more of an effort on the sex front. It’s hard to live vicariously through you when you rarely do anything of interest.”
I did my usual with the Kleenex, as opposed to answering.
“Don’t you blow your nose at me, young lady,” she snapped. “It’s the truth. Vibrators are no substitute for an actual relationship.”
“I never said they were. And I have regular sex with actual people, thank you very much. Or I did up until a couple of months ago.” Right up until I got a certain Mr. Collins stuck inside my head. Luckily, that issue was being dealt with. Sort of.
Val groaned. “Please. I’d prefer you just stuck to having sex with yourself. Anonymous-sex-with-strangers stories get boring after a while. Plus I worry about you. Be daring and actually become emotionally involved with someone you’re banging for once. Get to know them. Who knows, you might even want to keep one of them around for more than a night.”
“The fact that they go away afterward is part of their appeal.”
“But there’s so much more you’re missing out on.”
“And maybe someday I’ll do the whole commitment thing. But for now, this setup just happens to currently suit where I am in life.”
“You’ve been saying that since you were eighteen.”
“Do we have to do this now?”
“Yes. Yes, we do. Apart from me and your folks, your closest relationships are with food deliverymen and the UPS guy. You live your life like you’re in a goddamn bubble and it needs to stop,” she insisted. “You’re going to end up like one of those crazy cat ladies with your apartment smelling of piss and regret.”
“You don’t think you’re being a little dramatic here?”
She harrumphed. “I’m not the one buying birthday cards for my pizza delivery guy.”
“One time. Once. And I was trying to be nice.”
“Oh yeah? How’s he doing?”
“He and his girlfriend got engaged just before I left, actually.” I smiled. “Gorgeous ring.”
“I rest my case.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”
“Normal folk are not this involved in the lives of their takeout deliverymen,” she declared. “That’s why I pushed you into going. At least Idaho is outside of your apartment.”
“Since when did we ever care about normal?”
“Maybe it’s time to start.”
Deep breaths. That’s what was required. Deep steadying breaths so as not to lose my cool.
“Look, I get it,” she said. “God, do I get it. It’s incredibly hard to take that leap and actually trust someone, knowing that you could get hurt. But we can’t hide away for the rest of our lives just because we went through some shit in our younger years. Liam taught me that. Well, him and eight years of therapy. I take it you’re still down on the idea of talking to someone about what happened?”
“Val.” Memories of blood filled my mind. So much blood. A whole bathroom painted in the stuff. I gagged, my imagination more than happy to provide a lovely flashback of the nauseating metallic scent. “It happened to you, not to me. I don’t need fixing.”
“Bullshit.”
“I can’t do this right now.”
“We need to talk about it.”
Knocking at the door. Perfect timing.
“I’ve got to go, that’ll be him,” I said.
“Do not hang up on me.”
“I have to go.”
“Alexandra Marie Parks, don’t you dare—”
“I love you. Say hi to Liam for me. Bye.” And click. Call ended. Phew.
More knocking at the door.
The day had barely started and I was already over people. I opened it, trying for a polite smile for Joe. It felt closer to a grimace, however. Once I saw him, though, all of the tiredness and yuck in me lightened. Must have been some kind of beard magic. “Hi.”
“Hey.” Hands in pockets, he just looked at me. Nil expression on his face. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing much.”
Neither of us moved.
“Really? ’Cause you’re looking a little strung out,” he said, tipping his head to one side. “Aren’t you the ‘honesty means everything’ girl or have I got the wrong room again?”
I raised my chin. “All right. Do you want to know the terrible truth?”
“Hit me.”
“I’m a basket case,” I confessed. “A total head job. Might have forgotten to tell you that salient detail in the emails. But I am. A total weirdo nutter with more issues than I can count. Including avoiding having a real live normal sort of relationship with a man. To my mind, romantic relationships and commitment are the black plague. In case you hadn’t already guessed.”
“Seems like no one has it easy these days. Everyone’s got their problems.” He didn’t even blink. “I haven’t dated anyone seriously in years, not since things went to shit with my first girlfriend. We were together a long time and I thought it was for keeps, but … things change. Only it took me a long time to change with them. Then, later on, I lied to a woman on the Internet, pretended to be my pussy magnet brother just to get her attention because I thought she was funny and nice and I wanted to keep talking to her. Fuck knows what a shrink would make of that.”
I smiled despite myself. “Funny and nice, huh?”
“And pretty. Real damn pretty.”
God help me, I was blushing.
“Also, I keep playing family peacekeeper trying to make everyone happy,” he said. “It’s not working.”
“Interesting,” I said, leaning a hip against the door. “You try to please people while I just want to avoid them.”
Dark eyes assessed me.
“Or at least that’s what Valerie said my problem was.”
“You think she’s right?” he asked.
I shrugged, studied the carpet. “She’s spent a lot of time in therapy, so she usually is.”
“Hmm. I’m not sure those two qualities necessarily go together.”
“He’s not handsomer than you.” I creased up my face. “Just, you know … by the way.”
Joe said nothing. There did seem to be a certain light in his eyes, though.
“He’s not. So don’t think that,” I said in a rush. “It’s like comparing pizza to Chinese takeout; they’re both great in their own way, you know?”