“Take your time,” she says, leaving me alone with Rochelle and Adley.
“Elias,” Rochelle finally says.
But I shake my head. “Don’t, OK? Just give me a second.”
Adley is staring at me. These past few weeks have been so much fun. I want to pick her up. Hold her. I imagined doing that so many times this week. I pictured it in my head. The moment when I got proof that I was her real father.
But now there is nothing to do but sit here and feel… loss. Adley was never mine. She was always theirs. I knew this. Even if the DNA test had come back the other way, and I was her biological father, there is no way we’d ever make it.
I’m not capable of normal. I know this. I have always known this. I am everything Quin said I was. And worse. He has no idea how much worse.
If I was Adley’s biological father it would break us apart. But even worse, it would break them apart. And they are the ones in love, right? I was never in love with her. Was I?
I look at Rochelle. Her eyes are red from crying. “I was never in love with you the way he was, you know that, right?”
She shakes her head at me. “Don’t do that, Bric. You’re not going to do that this time. We had something real. You know we did.”
“No,” I say. Because I feel the need to make a clean break. This is probably how Rochelle felt last year when she left. Rip the Band-Aid off and face the facts. “The cat is out of the box,” I say.
I get up, force myself to walk across the room. I pull the door open. And walk out.
I know she’s sad. I know we had something real. And I want nothing more than to hold her. Hold them both and tell her how I feel. But I can’t. It’s not fair.
She’s not mine. She’s his.
Chapter Thirty-Three - Quin
The door buzzes.
I don’t get up.
It opens and closes.
I stay right where I am. Sitting in a chair, looking out the window in the second bedroom. It’s dark out now. I didn’t watch the clock today. I forced myself to stay in here where there is no chance of glancing up above the fireplace and seeing what time it is.
Three o’clock came and went hours ago.
I can see Rochelle’s reflection in the window when she finds me. There’s just enough light seeping through from the main room so I can see her clearly. She leans her hip against the door and waits.
I do not move.
“I see you made some changes to the living room,” she finally says. “It looks nice,” she says. “Very homey now.”
“I did,” I say. “And homey was what I was going for.” But we can talk all about my new décor later. “
Where’s Adley?”
She holds up the key to my apartment. “With Chella. She gave me Smith’s key to your condo. Did anyone call you?” she asks.
“No,” I reply.
“Why didn’t you show up?”
I take a deep breath and exhale. “Because I wouldn’t be able to take it.”
“You’re her father, Quin.”
I turn around, so angry that she’s so clueless. “I don’t need a fucking DNA test to tell me that, Rochelle. I have been telling you she’s mine for weeks. I know she’s mine. There was never any question in my mind that she was mine. And for the record, I never thought you cheated on me. Give me a fucking break, OK? I know you better than that.”
Her face scrunches up. Like she’s not sure what to make of that outburst. “Then why did you ask for a test? Why walk out angry? Why, Quin?”
“I didn’t need the DNA test, Bric did. And the reason I didn’t show up wasn’t because I can’t handle the truth. I stayed home because I couldn’t…” I sigh. This is harder than I thought it would be.
“Couldn’t what?” she asks.
“I didn’t want to see Bric’s face when he found out she was mine, OK? I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to hurt him, but he forced me. He was fucking everything up, Rochelle. Can’t you see that? He never loved you.”
“So you say,” she says.
“No, I know. Bric likes to pretend he’s invested, Rochelle. And this time his little fantasy got out of hand. Those lies?” I shake my head. “I wasn’t mad at you for that. I knew you’d never do that if he didn’t fill your mind up with his stupid bullshit. He manipulated you. Just like he manipulates everyone. It was all him. And I know I’m the easy-going one here, I get it. But I have to draw a line somewhere. So I did. Those lies were it for me as far as Bric is concerned. I asked for that test to bring him back to reality. He walked out, didn’t he?”
“Yes,” she says softly. “He did.”
“I knew he would. And even though I feel bad because I know somewhere, deep inside him, he feels bad tonight too, I also know it won’t last. He will be right back to the way he was by tomorrow. He’s gonna go to the Club, fuck a girl, get drunk, and pretend all this never happened. You just watch.”
“So you hate him now?” she asks.
“Hate him?” I laugh. “I didn’t go through all that bullshit because I hate him. I love him, for fuck’s sake. But he’s got to learn that people are real. They’re not objects. They’re not things to manipulate. I didn’t do this to hurt him. I did it to help him.”
We think about this for a little bit. She comes over to me and sits in my lap. “Well, I guess we’ve got him all taken care of. What about us? Where are we now?”
I shrug. “I dunno.”
“You don’t know?” She scoffs at me. “Either we patch it up, Quin, or we go our separate ways. And I’m not talking about leaving town with Adley, so don’t say ‘Let’s patch it up’ because you’re afraid I’ll take her away. I won’t.”
I don’t think she’d do that. Not now that she knows I’m Adley’s father.
“I’m just afraid, Rochelle.”
“Of what?”
“Not being enough for you.”
“You’re kidding, right?” She laughs and squeezes me. Puts her face in my neck and inhales. Like she’s missed my scent this past week.
I let my arms fall around her. It feels so right. But is it really?
“I don’t even know why you’d say that,” she whispers. “You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted.”
It takes me almost a minute to articulate the doubts inside my head. All the fear and uncertainty. “My mom is crazy, right?” I say. It’s as good a place to start as any, I guess.
“I love your mother. She’s called me every day since that tea party fiasco.”
“She’s so cool. She’s fun, and happy, and just… she loves everyone, you know?”
“Totally. And I think everyone loves her too.”