She turns to face me. Her feet have to be frozen. Mine are. But she doesn’t seem to care. She just looks up at me, frowning. “I love you,” she says.
I give her a lopsided smile which reflects my conflicted feelings about hearing those words again. Especially on a rooftop terrace surrounded by magical lights. I don’t hesitate this time. “I love you too. And I’m sorry I didn’t say it back. I wanted to, Rochelle. I already knew I was in love with you, but I didn’t think I was enough.”
She swallows hard and then we both realize our feet really are freezing. So I take her hand, lead her down towards the steps, and we sink into the faux hot springs together.
She glides across the water and then turns around. The serious mood is tempered with the new sensations of the hot water mixed with the cold air. “This is better than the springs. I couldn’t go in the hot ones. Adley is too young for that kind of temperature. So this is way, way better than anything I had while I was away.”
I am relieved. And happy that my plan worked.
I swim towards her, a laziness in my movements. “Tell me all about your days away. Tell me about your pregnancy. The birth. What was it like? Were you scared? Did you want to call me?”
She treads water for a few seconds, like she’s wondering how much to share. It can’t have been fun. I’m sure Adley’s birth was a happy moment, but all the unhappy conditions she found herself in probably ruined it.
I feel one hundred percent responsible for that. Even though I wasn’t the one who left, I’m the one who made her leave. I wasn’t enough for her back then. I failed. Miserably. And I caused an entire year of pain, for both of us, because I refused to give her what she needed. Three easy words. Three true words. For the past week, I have asked myself how much different life would be if I had just said those three short words.
For a few moments, I wonder if she’ll say anything, ever again. I wonder if she has finally realized what a fuck-up I am. If she’ll walk out of this pool, put her clothes back on, and then walk out of my life. For good, this time.
But she doesn’t do any of that. She takes a deep breath and the words pour out of her like a waterfall. Like a dam bursting. Like she has so much to say and I’m the only one who could possibly listen.
We sit on the steps, mostly submerged to keep the cold at bay. We hold hands as she talks. She ends up in my lap, just our heads peeking out of the pretend hot springs. She tells me about her time in Pagosa Springs. The people she met, the resort. The tourist trap shopping. Which makes me smiles because that is so… her. So something she would do. No one else would do that. Just Rochelle.
She says her birth was easy. She was only in labor four hours. She almost had Adley in the waiting room. They had to rush her to delivery and before she knew it, it was over.
She cried for three weeks. But only when Adley was sleeping. And it was hormonal, she insists. It faded away and then she felt like it never was.
I tell her about my year too. The blank year. A year of emptiness and regret. I don’t bring up Chella. She’s already figured out that I like Chella. Not love her like I do Rochelle, but we are friends. I leave all that out because it doesn’t matter anymore. Rochelle is back, we are together, and this time it will be different. I will not fail.
I talk about work, mostly. The projects I’ve started. New clients and stuff. Business has been good.
But I have more to say than that. This is why I wanted her to myself tonight. “I failed you,” I say.
“You didn’t,” she insists. But it’s a lie and we both know it.
“I failed you because I didn’t believe in me, Rochelle. I didn’t think I was enough for you.”
“Why would you say that? You’re all I want, Quin. I can’t even express in words how much I want you. All to myself. I like Bric. Love him, probably. But I came back for you.”
“You did?” I ask. “I thought you were just passing through?”
“I was,” she says quickly. “But secretly, I stopped for you, Quin.” She takes a moment to smile at me. It feels real. So real. “I didn’t need to stop in Denver. I didn’t need to call Chella and tell her I was in town. I could’ve kept driving and stopped in Fort Collins for the night. It’s only an hour away. But I did stop. I knew I had to see you and I knew Chella would not be able to keep my secret.”
“Hmm.” I think about that for a second. “I’m very glad you stopped. Because I can’t imagine life without you again. Or Adley. I really can’t, Rochelle. And I just wanted one night alone with you to explain this. I’m sorry I didn’t forgive you right away. It felt necessary at the time, but now I just feel bad. So I’m sorry for that.”
“I’m not sorry,” she says. “You made me feel what you felt. I needed that. I needed to know how deeply I hurt you so I’ll never do it again.” Rochelle places both her hands on my cheeks and stares into my soul. She closes her eyes and kisses me. I kiss her back. It’s a romantic kiss. One that says so much more than words. “I love you,” she whispers. “I want you, and only you. But if you want Bric, then I want Bric too.”
I wonder how much I should tell her. If I tell her why I play the game, then she’ll know what a fuck-up I am. She’ll see through me. She’ll see everything.
I don’t think we’re ready for that yet. Soon, but not yet. She’s holding her past close too, so I let it slip away and just smile at her.
“I want you both,” I say. “For now. Just for now.”
There is silence. Or as much silence as possible, considering we’re in the middle of the city.
“I’ll keep the hot spring open all winter if you promise to come here with me, and only me, at least once a week.”
“Deal,” she says, smiling. “One day a week we can be alone. Try it out, right? See if it’s what we want?”
I nod. “I’d like that, Rochelle. I really would.”
“Then I’m happy with where we’re at right now. I’m fine with Bric. And Adley loves him.”
“Yes.” I sigh. “She does.”
“She loves you too,” Rochelle says, leaning in to kiss me again. “And you’re going to be the perfect father.”
I doubt that. But I don’t say anything because we’ve got something good going here. It’s a great night and all I want is to take her inside and love her. Have her all to myself for just a little bit longer.
We run inside, Rochelle squealing like a happy child, as the heat from the pool dissipates from our bodies in a matter of seconds. We drip water all over the living room floor as I hastily untie her bikini top and she tugs on my trunks. I flick a light on the wall and a fire whooshes into existence in the fireplace. I lead her over to the rug in front of it and lay her down.
Open her legs.
Eat her pussy.
Her hands tug on my hair.