It was over. Okay.
“Oh, boy,” I whispered, the pounding of my heart gradually slowing down. I dropped his hand and took a couple of steps, breathing hard. Wonder if this had been what he went through, breaking up the scene between me and Erika. The thought of him getting hurt, of him getting into trouble with the police or something, made me want to vomit.
“Holy shit, John,” I said. “What the fuck was that?”
“You were going to give it up to Duncan Dickerson?” he sneered. “Are you serious?”
I halted, staring at him. This was not good. “How do you know about that?”
“Anders overheard you and Hang talking.”
“Bastard.”
“Well?” he demanded, acting all authoritarian. Idiot.
“To be fair, I didn’t know his last name was Dickerson,” I said. “That’s unfortunate. Though, I wasn’t actually planning on marrying him, so . . .”
“Not funny.”
I shrugged.
“You barely know the guy.”
“Um, yeah. None of your concern. We’re not talking about this.” How mortifying! My face burned bright. People should just gather around and cook s’mores. “I appreciate that we’re friends. You mean a lot to me. But this is going to have to fall under definitely none of your damn business, so go away please.”
“We’re talking about it.” He advanced a step.
“No we are not.” And I retreated.
“You were going to let a complete stranger touch you.” Advance.
Retreat. “People do it all the time. You do it all the time.”
“But you don’t,” he said, taking the final step, backing me up against the side of his car and getting all in my face. “Edie, this is your first time we’re talking about. Isn’t it?”
“Yes, and it’s going to be messy and painful and probably horribly embarrassing and I just want it over and done with.” I tried to meet his eyes but failed, settling for a spot on his right shoulder. “You’re not a girl; you wouldn’t understand. Also, last time I checked, you’re not the gatekeeper of my hymen, John Cole. So back the fuck off.”
He said nothing.
Deep, calming breaths. “Look, someday I’ll meet someone I really like and we’ll have a deep and meaningful relationship and go at it like bunnies. But I don’t want to be the dumb virgin in that scenario.”
He slowly shook his head.
“Also, I do not want to die a virgin.”
“What? What the hell are you talking about?”
“Hey, you and I both know death can occur at any time.”
“This is crazy.”
“I’m seeing a therapist!” I told his shoulder. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m a little bit messed up these days. It’s hard for me to trust people. That’s not going to change anytime soon.”
He screwed up his face at me. “Wha—”
“I’m just trying to be practical.”
“Well, you’re being ridiculous. None of this makes sense.”
“It does to me.”
Again, he said nothing.
In fact, he said nothing for so long that I finally looked him in the eye. The anger had left him, replaced by an emotion I didn’t recognize. Worst of all, he still smelled like summer. A little sweat and the open night air, everything I loved. Liked. I meant liked.
“What?” I said, finally.
He let loose a breath. “I’ll do it.”
My mouth opened. I blinked. Somehow, it seemed my brain had stalled. He couldn’t possibly have just said what I thought he’d just said because that would be crazy.
CRAZY.
“What?” I asked. “What did you say?”
“I said, I’ll do it.” He hesitated, face grim. “If you want.”
“Wow.”
Both of us stood in utter silence for a minute, everything bizarre as all hell. Then he swallowed hard. “So you want me to do it or not, Edie? Yes or no?”
“Y-yes. Okay.”
A grunt.
“Thank you.” I stood immobile, a lot perplexed. “I thought you didn’t like virgins? You know, the possible sight of blood and stuff.”
“I don’t, normally. But I like you. Come on.”
“Is this going to affect our friendship?” I asked, uncertain and maybe just a little scared.
“No.” He got into the car, reached across, and flicked the lock on the passenger-side door.
I climbed in, put on my seat belt. “We have to make sure it doesn’t.”
“It won’t,” he said, sounding so sure of himself that a lesser woman would have been insulted. No hesitation, no second-guessing. His face was set. “One time only. Then that’s it.”
“Okay.”
“We’ll go to my place. My uncle’s out.”
Anxiety had me in a stranglehold. I did my best not to fuss, but to sit still, face calm, looking straight at the road ahead. John and I having sex. Getting naked. Doing it. My mind couldn’t begin to fathom the enormity of the situation. Luckily, I remembered to text Hang and tell her John and I were going for a drive. The way I kept disappearing on her at parties, it quite possibly made me the worst friend ever.
Time began to behave strangely. The drive took forever and yet we got there too soon. We pulled up outside a two-story house surrounded by tall trees. The porch light had been left on in welcome.
No words were spoken as I followed him inside the dark house. Suddenly light dazzled my eyes, showing a room littered with books on horticulture, football paraphernalia, photos of hills and lakes and stuff, and the largest flat-screen television in creation. Nothing here really said John. His boots thumped up the stairs and I trailed slowly behind. I found him standing in the middle of a bedroom, looking around. A lamp on the bedside table glowed softly.
“It’s a mess,” he said, before springing into action. Shoes and clothes were thrown into the closet, his schoolbag and books shoved aside. “I only changed the sheets yesterday, promise.”
I lingered in the doorway, uncertain how to proceed. “Okay.”
He hadn’t unpacked everything; a stack of boxes sat to one side. Yet photos of him and a similar-looking, slightly older boy hung on the white wall. Had to be his brother. Next was a full family shot including his mom and dad, then came a picture of a much younger John and a woman posing beside the Charger. Navy-blue curtains, a Ramones poster, and his big bed.
Okey-dokey.
“Sorry about this,” he said, still cleaning with a vengeance. “I don’t usually bring girls here.”
“It’s fine.”
He paused. “Come in. Sit down.”
I did as told, taking the final fateful step into (gasp, shock, horror) a boy’s bedroom. Once I started moving forward, things seemed easier. As instructed, I sat on the edge of his bed, the mattress sinking a bit beneath me. Firm but bouncy.
“John, really it’s fine. Stop fussing.”
A furrow sat between his brows.
“It’s just me,” I said, attempting a smile. “Relax.”
He huffed out a laugh. Guess we were both nervous. Then he said, “Condoms,” and raced out of the room. Rifling noises came from the bathroom across the hall and he returned triumphant, a string of silver packages hanging from his hand.
“You sure about this?” he asked.
I nodded. “But what about you? Are you sure about this?”
He closed the bedroom door, the lock clicking.