“I haven’t been intimate with a man since before the attack. I have a hard time trusting, and until you, I hadn’t met anyone who made me feel anything.”
His brows knitted, and guilt circled her like a vulture. In addition to tricking everyone into thinking she was some kind of biker chick, she’d led them to believe she was into meaningless flings with edgy men.
“I know none of it makes sense, given what I’ve led you to believe, but it does to me,” she said, grasping for the right words to explain away her lies.
“When I was growing up, I was Chrissy, a girl who loved school and life, but when we moved to the mobile home, the neighborhood was rough, and I became hard around the edges. I learned to fight and talk back. A girl can take only so many catcalls before she snaps. Then, at college, I wanted to pretend that part of my life didn’t exist, so I became Chrystina. The smart, sweet, slightly preppy, academically oriented girl next door. I had a few boyfriends and dated each of them for a while, but for one reason or another they didn’t last. But after that night, I wasn’t the same person anymore. I didn’t want to be the girl everyone liked, because, well, look what that got me. And I didn’t want to go back to being Chrissy, because that was a lost girl who missed her father, had a hot mess of a mother, and wanted to be someone else. So I became Crystal. All of this”—she waved toward her clothes—“and this.” She lifted a lock of hair. “My hair, the attitude, all of it, including the stories about one-night stands, was meant to keep people away.”
“Jesus, baby. You’ve been running or hiding for years.”
She nodded, feeling the sting of tears simply because he understood and he was still right there. He wasn’t judging her or telling her how she should have handled it. He was holding her and still looking at her like she was the gasoline to his engine—and she wanted to be.
“But even my best efforts at keeping people away didn’t keep Gemma away, and they didn’t keep you away.”
“Or my brothers, or Dixie, or Tru and the babies,” he pointed out. “You’re part of us, and it doesn’t matter what you call yourself or what color your hair is.” He arched a brow and a soft laugh escaped.
God it felt good to laugh.
“Dirty blond.” She tapped his chin. “You can make as many naughty remarks as you want about that, but not right now please.”
A hint of a laugh fell from his lips, but she could see he wasn’t taking this any lighter than she was.
“You never told Gemma?”
“No. And I feel horribly guilty about that. She’s always been honest with me about everything. I feel bad about lying to you, too. I’m sorry, Bear. I’m sorry I led you and everyone else to believe that I was someone I wasn’t. By the time I met you, I was in too deep. But you need to know, I didn’t have one-night stands, and before we met there were a few boring first dates, but not a single one since you first put your arm around me and decided I was yours whether I liked it or not.”
She smiled, and just as quickly her smile faded. “And with Gemma, I had finally found a real friend. Every time I thought about telling her, I couldn’t figure out how. But I want to. I need to. Just not yet. I know it puts you in a tough position, since you and Tru are so close, but I would really appreciate it if you could keep this between us.”
He gritted his teeth and gently ran a hand down the side of her face. “Whatever you need. Whenever you need it.”
She let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
“What happened to the asshole who did this to you?”
“Nothing. I had panic attacks for two days straight, so I packed up my stuff and left. I tried to tell my mother, but she was drunk, and basically made me feel like I’d somehow asked for it, and—”
“Wait. Jesus. First, your mother?”
“I know. Please, let’s not talk about her.”
“Okay, but, sugar, nothing happened to the guy? Didn’t you go to the police?” His voice rose with anger, but she knew it wasn’t aimed at her.
“No. I didn’t go to the police. I didn’t even know his real name. His friends called him Cas, but I heard one of them say it was for Casanova. All I wanted was to move on and to never, ever think about it again, which was ridiculous. I knew it even then, but at least I’ve done a damn good job of starting over.”
Anger burned in her chest with the memories of how hard starting over had been. She’d spent weeks vacillating between bawling, screaming, and making it through each day like an automaton. She’d hated herself for being too weak to stick around and finish out her studies, but she’d been in no shape for classes. The fear she’d felt walking into David’s office for the first time had been paralyzing. But the weight that had lifted from her when she’d finally told him the truth about the attack, her parents, and Jed’s stealing had been equally healing.
“What about Jed?” he asked gruffly. “Did he do something to the guy?”
She felt his muscles tensing up. “He doesn’t know.”
“So this asshole, this motherfucker,” he said through gritted teeth, “is still out there? He’s never been punished for what he did?”
“Bear, listen to me, please. You have to let that anger go. You can’t seek revenge. I want to have a normal life. I need to have a normal life. And I can’t do that if I get all caught up in him again.”
“Caught up in him?” he growled. “I’m going to make sure that you never feel unsafe again. I’m going to find that fucker and tear him apart.”
She pushed back, anxiety climbing her spine. “No. I’m not one of the kids you can help by intimidating a bully. I’m a grown woman, and I’ve moved past that time of my life. I’ve got a new life—a good life—”
Bear shifted rage-filled eyes away.