How weird is it to know how much someone cares about you by the way they’re willing to kill you first? And I suppose it’s equally weird that I would have done the same for him.
His hand comes up to cup my face, and I feel his thumb gently stroking my jaw.
“All I know,” he says, and his eyes are burning bright, warming me and chasing all the cold away, “is that no matter how many times I lose you, I can’t seem to let you go.”
Then his mouth comes down to meet mine, and the warmth bursts into flame inside me, stealing my breath and curling my fingers into the front of his shirt. He pulls away slowly, kissing the tip of my nose, then my forehead.
“I’ll keep you safe, Jessa,” he promises. “Anywhere you go.”
“I want to go home, Finn,” I finally say. “All the way home.”
39
Torn
After transferring back to my deaf self—which didn’t take long, since glitter me really wanted to get home—I put in a call to my deaf counterpart, and she answered almost instantly. It occurs to me that as hard as it is, she likely misses her life as much as I miss mine. Finn and I arrive in the bedroom of my reality and it’s Sunday morning.
I turn away from the mirror with a huge sigh of relief.
“I know this body had a good night’s sleep last night, but I still feel exhausted.”
Finn pulls me in close, wrapping his arms around me. “You’ve been through a traumatic experience,” he says. “It’s a perfectly normal reaction.”
“I need to get a grip on myself.”
His hand comes up to slide around the back of my neck. “I’ve got you,” he says, and once again, his lips are on mine.
My hands slide up over his shoulders and time slows to a crawl. There’s only him and me and the absolute rightness of the feel of him against me.
He pulls back and gives me a smug little grin. “Tell me the truth,” he says. “Am I a better kisser than the pirate?”
I give him a wide-eyed, innocent smile in return, choosing my words carefully.
“Nobody kisses like you, Finn,” I reply.
He rolls his eyes and pulls me in, kissing me again, and I’m losing myself in it—that is, until my bedroom door opens.
There stands Ben, right behind Danny. I give a squeak and hastily step out of Finn’s arms.
“Danny! You could have just told me Ben was here!”
“Hi, Jessa!” Danny says. “When did you come back? You should lock your door!”
“Yeah, St. Clair,” Ben says flatly. “You should lock your door.”
The look on his face hits me hard and then the memories rush in, swamping me.
I sink down on the bed as he storms out, with Danny right behind him.
Oh, the memories. So many memories …
I’d arrived here, thrilled that I could hear—this was my deaf self’s third time traveling, and I hadn’t yet been to a reality that held Ben—or Finn for that matter. Not that Finn would matter to the other me—I had no experience with him at all. But Ben …
I gasp aloud and tears pool in my eyes as the memories flood over me, drowning me in emotion. I’d spent most of that first weekend with Danny, delighted that he could speak, and since I was at my dad’s house, I was getting to know my father—a father that Jessa never knew. I went back to Mom’s on Sunday afternoon and when the doorbell rang, I opened the door and Ben was standing there. He said “Hey, St. Clair,” and oh …
I heard his voice for the first time. The very first time. It was warm and wonderful and I couldn’t help but throw my arms around him. I put my head to his chest and listened as he laughed, trying to figure out what had gotten into me. When he spoke again, my fingers touched his lips in wonder.
And then my lips touched his. Of course they did. This was Ben, and I love him.
From that moment on, we were inseparable. I told him that nearly falling off the roof made me realize what he meant to me—which I thought was a great cover story at the time. Ben didn’t question a bit of it. He told me he’d been crazy about me for months, and he asked if Finn was out of the picture. I assured him that he was the one I wanted, and that was that. Ben and I were dating. I hadn’t told this Ben yet that I loved him, but oh, I’d made sure he felt it.
My mind plays over cuddling on the couch, dinners with my family, stolen kisses in the hall at school.
“Uuuuhhhhhgggghh.” I bury my face in my hands.
What a way to totally mess up a friendship. Oh my God, what am I going to say to him? The last thing I want to do is hurt Ben’s feelings. I need to find out just how invested in this new definition of us he really is.
“Maybe you can tell him you were doing research for a story,” Finn says, trying to make a joke. It’s clear he finds this just about as amusing as I do. Which is not at all.
I automatically hate the other me. Who do I think I am, playing with Ben’s feelings like that? I should be ashamed of myself. Stupid other me. I am really, really mad at me for this. I wish I could give me a piece of my mind. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror.
“Do you realize what a mess you left me?” I ask myself.
She’s not there, of course. She’s probably with Ben.