“Okay. All right.” He thrust a hand through his messy hair. “I can see why you’d believe that, and you’ve been under a ton of stress, but—”
“It’s not stress, Ren. You’re not hearing me. It’s not some whacked-out theory I’ve come up with. I don’t even understand how myself. You said my parents were in love and there was no evidence of one of them being with someone else. Maybe it was like your friend. I don’t know, but it’s me.” I closed my hands into fists. “It’s me.”
He stared at me, his chest rising sharply. “That’s impossible.”
Exhaling roughly, I grabbed his hand and pulled him past several buildings and into a well-lit alley that fed into a courtyard. The alley smelled faintly of mold and questionable bodily fluids, but it was the closest semi-private place.
I looked toward the mouth of the alley and saw people passing by, oblivious to what was happening a handful of feet from them. “I know I should’ve told you the moment I found out, but I . . . I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. That I would never have to tell anyone, and I know that’s wrong, but I . . .” My gaze shifted back to him. He was staring at me. “I can’t lie to you anymore. Not when they’re here. I can’t do that to you. I don’t want you to be caught off-guard by it.”
His lips parted as he took another deep breath.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “You must be so disgusted with me.”
Ren slowly shook his head. “Disgusted? I could never be disgusted with you.”
Hope sparked alive. Was he saying that he still accepted me, even knowing what I was? He wouldn’t turn me in and we’d—
“I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but we can figure this out.” He stepped closer, lifting a hand. “Try to get to the bottom of why you think this about you.”
Disappointment washed away the hope. He didn’t believe me. God. “I’ll show you,” I said.
His brows knitted together as concern slashed over his handsome face. “Sweetness, you don’t have to show me anything.”
An ache lit up my chest as I reached down and yanked the thorn stake out of my pant leg. I straightened and angled my body so what I was doing was hidden from the people on the sidewalk. Ren’s eyes widened and he shot toward me, but he was too late. I sliced my palm, over the same spot I’d sliced before. Air hissed between my teeth as I glanced up, watching Ren, because I already knew what my blood was going to do. It would bubble and fizz, and even in the poor light of the alley, he’d see it, and that shit wasn’t normal to say the least.
Ren jerked back. Stumbled. And I imagined he rarely ever lost his step like that. He paled and his mouth moved without sound.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I closed my hand as I lowered the thorn stake. “I’m the halfling, Ren.”
His stark gaze rose to mine. Those beautiful green eyes were full of horror and a raw emotion I couldn’t quite place.
“I’m sorry. So sorry. I just couldn’t lie. Not with them here. I’m not asking you to lie for me or to do anything or not to do anything,” I rambled on. “I hate to do this to you, because I love you—” I sucked in a sharp breath. Oh no. Those three words totally came out of my mouth. Terror filled me. “Ren . . .”
“You what?” he whispered.
Now my heart was lodged in my throat. I couldn’t repeat it. I couldn’t say those words again.
His expression changed, and he looked stricken as his gaze moved from my face to my hand. “You tell me that you are this—this thing, and then you tell me that you love me?”
Oh my God.
“How is this . . . ? How have I missed this?” he asked. I didn’t know what to say as I folded my arms. The thorn stake pressed against my side, a heavy reminder. His gaze drifted over me as he shook his head. “You . . .”
I couldn’t breathe right. Only tiny puffs of air were getting through, and that was doing nothing for me. There was this tearing feeling in my chest I’d felt once before. “Ren, that’s not—”
“I just can’t.” He held up his hand, silencing me. “I can’t even process this right now.”
Tears filled my eyes.
“I . . . I still need to go talk to David,” he said, and my heart stopped. I swear to God my heart stopped in my chest. When he spoke, his voice was rough and abrasive. “He needs to know about what happened with the knight.”
I blinked slowly as what he said sunk in. “You’re not—”
“I just can’t.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t do this right now.”
The ripping feeling increased, gouging open a hole I knew would never be filled. I said nothing as he walked away, leaving me in the alley.
~
I didn’t go home immediately. I don’t know why. I just roamed around for the next several hours, expecting Kyle or other Order members to spring out from the horse-drawn carriages rolling up and down the narrow streets, or from the insides of the dark, tinted vehicles, and snatch me up as I patrolled the Quarter.