He placed a hand on the chair. “No, but—”
“But we don’t. And let me guess, her parents maintained their innocence this whole time,” I said, knowing I needed to keep my mouth shut but couldn’t. “Right? So what if we’re wrong? What if Val is just a traitorous bitch, but not a halfling, and the Order just flat out murdered her parents? They were good people, Ren. Dedicated their entire lives to the Order.”
And that was true. They were good people, and now they were gone. A bitter sadness blanketed me.
A moment passed and his expression softened. “You knew them.”
“Of course I did. Not really well, but that’s . . .” I trailed off, closing my eyes. Guilt churned the acids in my stomach. By staying quiet, had I gotten Val’s parents killed? They would’ve been walking a very fine edge even if no one believed her to be the halfling, based on her actions alone, but I couldn’t help thinking of the role I’d played in Shaun and my adoptive parents’ deaths.
“I’m sorry.” Ren circled an arm around my shoulders and tugged me to him. I went, but my arms were still limp at my sides. “I want to forget that you were close to her. That’s wrong of me.” He paused, letting out a rough breath. “And I get why you want to be out here and why you feel you need to find Val.”
I squeezed my eyes shut again.
“There’s something I should’ve said this morning when we were talking about it,” he continued. “I don’t want you out there looking for her, because if you do find her, it’s going to be hard—too hard for you. I don’t mean that in a bad way, like you can’t handle yourself, but this will be rough on you, Ivy. You’re going to find yourself in a really bad position.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” he asked quietly. “Are you ready to face her? Go toe to toe and take her down? Because that’s what you have to do, and I don’t want you to have to make that decision. I’d rather it be me, or anyone else. You don’t need to live with the kind of shit that’s going to be left behind. I can shoulder that for you.”
Oh gosh.
My heart imploded into goo. I wanted to be mad at him, because it made . . . well, it made hiding everything from him so much easier, but how could I when he said all the right things?
“You’re too good.” I whispered the truth.
“I am pretty awesome.”
I cracked a grin. “And so modest.”
Ren turned and leaned against the table. He brought me along with him, positioning me so I stood between his legs. A finger curled under my chin and lifted my head. “I really am sorry for what she has done.”
Me too. But he didn’t even know the half of it or why he really was too good for me, and why I didn’t deserve this . . . with him. I knew that, and yet I was still standing here.
“You haven’t eaten anything?”
I shook my head.
“I was thinking about trying out this place on Canal. They have fried alligator.”
My nose wrinkled. “Ew.”
“I’ve never tried it.” His eyes danced with amusement. “I’m thinking today is the day. Come with me.”
“I don’t know. I’m not really hungry.” Plus, I had other things to do. Important things.
“Checked out their menu. They have Tater Tots.”
“Hmm?”
“Tater Tots with cheese and bacon smothered on them,” he added.
My eyes widened. “Sold.”
~
After leaving the diner on Canal, I was rocking a decent-sized food baby, the only kind of baby that would be getting into my stomach anytime soon.
Ren had eaten the fried alligator and determined that it sort of tasted like a cross between chicken and pork.
And I sort of thought that sounded gross.
Ren took my hand as we walked down Canal, toward the Quarter, his fingers threaded loosely through mine. I didn’t know how to feel about this since I hated having to navigate people holding hands, but I liked my hand in Ren’s. I liked the warm weight and how . . . grounding it was.
Ren squeezed my hand. “You going home or . . . ?”
I knew this was coming. Dinner had been nice and normal despite what I had learned about Val’s parents, my weird meet and greet with the prince, and all the other messed-up things going on. It was weird how all of us Order members could easily bounce back from the Three D’s: danger, death, and destruction. Maybe it was the fact we constantly faced certain death that made us seize each second of the day while continuously pushing forward.
Well, some of us.
Up until recently, I’d really been living in the past. Hung up on my own missteps and guilt, afraid of letting go and moving on, and now that I finally had done that, everything I knew about myself was a lie.
I swallowed a sigh that would have sounded so pathetic I could have won a Daytime Emmy for it. “I’m going to head home in a bit.”
“But not right away?”