Also during my visit, I made the mistake of asking the doctor if I could please borrow one of his books on midwifery or obstetrics, as I wish to learn more about the physiology. What does the fetus look like? What anatomical features has it developed? He has several books on his shelves that I am sure could satisfy some of my curiosity.
I might as well have thrown a dishpan of dirty water over his head. For a moment he was speechless, and then at last sputtered that it was not “suitable reading.”
I told him I only wish to know more about the process, that I possess a rudimentary knowledge of the sciences and have even assisted in birthing. (I saw no need to mention that such midwifery on my part involved a barn cat when I was a young girl.)
Dr Randall could not be swayed. He said his books are completely inappropriate for women and laymen, and that the reading would bewilder me.
If he were to refuse me one of his books because it was precious or necessary to him, that I could forgive easily enough, but to do so out of some paternal censorship or doubt of my intellect?—?it is entirely displeasing!
I cannot say I am used to such restrictions (and I know my fortune in that). We might not have been able to afford many books in our house, or even in Mother’s schoolroom, yet all were open to me, and it was much the same at normal school. What I wouldn’t do to have the Sommerton library here with me now!
January 28
Allen has written letters to everyone near and far, sharing our news, but I wish us to wait just a while longer before sending them. Especially to Mother. She will fill my head with worries and dangers. Even before we were married, she warned that my irregular cycles predicted a difficulty in carrying a child. I will allow this maternity to settle upon me more firmly before I engage with her pessimism.
I am ashamed to admit it, but as lonely as it might be here in Vancouver without Allen, I am glad to not be returning to stay with Mother. There is a great deal I admire in her, and I am grateful for everything she has taught me, yet there is so little pleasure in her presence. All is devoted to labor before God, and always she is casting her eye for any aberrance or wasteful delight. I often wonder how much of it is Father’s influence?—?she strained to counterweight his reckless nature by imposing order and frugality in our household, and now that he’s gone, she is set in those rigid ways.
I can recall the exact day when I chose a different life for myself. It was at Sommerton Normal School, and I was walking to the dormitory on a bright autumn afternoon and fairly skipping through the fallen leaves. It occurred to me that if I wanted to miss my supper and spend the entire night reading page after page of poetry, there was no one to tell me that I was ruining my eyes and any chances at a good marriage. If I chose to ignore my studies and sneak tea cakes back into my room and nibble on them beneath the covers, once again I answered to no one but the monitor if I did not sweep up my crumbs.
I experienced such complete gladness, and I told myself I would never take it for granted?—?the freedom to choose my own dress, to plan my days, to walk where I desired and see what I would.
There is, of course, some irony to my circumstances: here I set out on my own path, only to discover that it has brought me to confinement and restriction after all, this time by orders of a doctor rather than Mother.
January 29
Why is it that our disappointments are so often magnified by the reaction of others?
So you won’t go to Alaska after all! Did you lose your nerve? Good heavens, it is all for the best. Wouldn’t you have had a miserable time? Did the General forbid you? They probably thought you’d be a nuisance or suffer horribly from seasickness.
All in all, afternoon tea was even more unbearable than normal. Since I do not yet feel free to share the true reason for my staying behind, I endured their remarks without retort. Sarah Whithers, bless her, seemed genuinely disappointed, as if she too were being denied the journey, but Mrs Connor gloated, as if she had known all along it wasn’t to be.
Ordinary causes of abortions are such as weakness or corruption of the womb, or by outward force such as falls, blows, wrath, madness, fear, running, leaping, cutting of wood, and immoderate exercise.
By way of caution: avoid the presence of ravens and other carrion eaters, for they are Death’s envoys, tasked to deliver souls from this world unto the next. If such bad omen visits upon you and signs of abortion appear, the usual way is to lay toast sopt in Muskadel to your navel. This is good medicine.
But to take the womb of a hare beaten to powder, half a dram, in Malmsey each morning is far better.”
?—?From Midwifery: A Pocket-Companion for Women in
Their Conception, Benjamin Fielding, student in physic
and astrology, London, 1743
Lieut. Col. Allen Forrester