“No. But that’s sweet of you.” He gives me a quick hug. “I’ll figure something out.”
We say good-bye and I slip out of the van. I’m not surprised to see that Victor’s not home. I wouldn’t show my face around here tonight, either. It’s at least two hours before Rachel will be home, which gives me some time to go back through my evidence on Chief Culson and see if I missed anything.
I charge up the back stairs and bang open the door with my hip. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen table, which scares the hell out of me.
“I didn’t know you were home,” I say, once I’ve recovered from the shock. Rachel parks her car inside the garage, so there’s no way I would know. “Are you sick?” To tell the truth, she doesn’t look good.
Rachel gives me a warm smile, but that doesn’t hide the bags under her eyes. She obviously didn’t get much sleep last night. She pulls out the chair next to her and moves a carton of orange juice in front of it. “I’m fine, Erin. Come. Sit down and let’s talk.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine. But I think it’s time for us to be 100 percent honest with each other.”
Uh-oh … the honesty speech. As I move toward the chair, I run through all the lies I’ve told recently, in order to get my stories straight in my head. Just in case. Maybe Principal Roberts saw Journey and me together and reported it to her. Now I’m going to have to listen to what happens when I break her trust. I cringe inside, while at the same time keeping my expression neutral. “Rachel—I…”
“No. Let me go first,” she says. “I’m sorry about yesterday. What I said had everything to do with my frustration with my brother and nothing to do with you.”
“It’s no big deal.” I shrug.
“No, it is a big deal,” Rachel insists. “You know how I’m always telling you that it’s important for us to be honest with each other because we’re all we have?”
I keep my gaze down because here it comes. The Journey lecture.
“Well.” Her voice trembles. “I’m the one who broke that trust, Erin. Not you.”
What? Her eyes are watery and her mouth quivers. I start to protest and she holds up a hand.
“Let me finish before you say anything, okay?”
I nod.
“Charles Culson and I have been friends a very long time. He was one of Victor’s best friends in high school.” She pauses and blows her nose into a Kleenex. “I don’t want to go into details about those days, it was a very long time ago.” She flashes me a smile. “I felt very grown-up, though, dating my big brother’s friend. But then when a problem developed between Charles and me, Victor took my side.” She smiles and looks down, picking at her nails. “It’s what a good brother is supposed to do.”
I wanted Rachel to open up. But this much all at once is making me squirm. Is this Rachel’s version of Victor’s “I’ll tell you my secrets and you tell me yours”? I shudder just thinking about it.
Rachel looks toward the ceiling, summoning the courage to continue. “But a few years later, when your mother was murdered and my own brother didn’t even come home for her funeral, Charles was there for me every moment of every day.”
I suck in a sharp gasp of air. In the entire time Rachel and I have been together, I’ve never heard her say the m-word in front of me. Not once.
It’s a showstopper.
Rachel studies my face. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I shouldn’t have been so blunt.”
“It’s okay.” I take her hand to support her, but my voice is shaky.
“It’s not okay.” She switches it around so that she’s holding my hand. “All those years, when I was taking you from one therapist to another, well, I was seeing one, too. In fact, I’m still seeing one.”
Wow. Apparently, everyone in this house is keeping secrets.
“You’re not the only one with survivor’s guilt.” She examines her nails again. “Your mother was my very best friend. She was like a sister. She’s gone, and I got to live her life. I got to raise you.”
I, of course, knew this. But this is the first time Rachel’s admitted it. I prop my elbow on the table and rest my chin on my hand, anything to control the tremors taking over my body.
“I was so lucky to have you, Erin. You are—and have always been—the sun and the moon and the stars in my life. You were such a gift, and I felt compelled to do it right. No mistakes. I wanted to make up for everything you lost. I wanted your life to be perfect. That’s why I’m so protective … and it’s why I can’t talk about her.” She lowers her head. “I feel guilty for every breath I get to have that she didn’t.”
I squeeze her hand. “Rachel … I…”
Her expression is intense. “There’s more. When Charles … um, you know, Chief Culson and I started dating again a year ago, I hid it from you. I’m the one who broke our trust, Erin. Not you.”