When every hook, every saw, and every knife lay at my feet broken or was scattered far enough away that I could no longer see it, I collapsed on the floor, my chest heaving. Pain slid into my lungs, into my heart, like one of the broken knives had been thrust into my chest. It lay there, jagged-edged and sharp, cutting my breaths in half.
A sob escaped from my lips, and once the first one left my body, more followed. With my back against the wall, I drew up my legs, pressed my head in my hands, and cried with a deeper anguish than I’d ever felt before. The vast world, all of time and space, was open to me, and yet I felt trapped in a prison of my own making. I wanted to change what happened to Ren so badly and yet Kadam told me I couldn’t. I was only allowed to change the things I’d already done.
If I’d had the courage to save Ren, if I had actually accomplished it, then he never would have suffered at the hands of Lokesh. But he did suffer. And his miseries were now my fault two times over. Once, in the forest with Kelsey, I’d let him down, and he’d been captured by Lokesh. And now, here I was again, allowing his torture and anguish to continue. How could he ever forgive me for what I’d done? It seemed I was destined to fail everyone.
Something soft touched my arm and cool fingertips brushed the hair from my brow. Ana crouched in front of me. Her mind touched my burdened one, and she watched my thoughts, quietly, as if from a distance for a time. Instead of trying to rationalize or talk me out of what I was feeling, she just allowed me to be. She let the sorrow sit there between us and she shared its burden with me.
I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it, but I reached out for her, needing her physically close as much as she was mentally. Her mind shut away from me for a moment as she shifted, repositioning herself in my arms. I dropped my hands and mentally retreated, guessing that she was uncomfortable. But a moment later, her mind was open to me again. She’d wrapped her arms around me and was stroking my back in small circles while I clutched her to me.
“Shh, Sohan,” she said. “Come back to me, my tiger.” Her voice gentled and soothed my wavering thoughts.
Her lips touched my temple and my brow as she rained soft kisses along my forehead. As she did so, I felt a cooling balm run through my veins. It had an almost drugging effect. The edges of my vision went fuzzy and everything inside me went numb.
“What…what did you do?” I asked.
“I am making the pain fade,” she answered, her hands cupping my face. Ana bit her lip and sucked in a breath. Tentatively, slowly, she brought her face close to mine, and then her mouth, tremulous and full, touched mine. The kiss lasted only a moment, and I was either too shocked to respond or unable to, but I would never forget the feel of her mouth on mine.
Her lips were pillows, soft and sweet as rose petals. Ana’s supple, hesitant mouth was like a soothing balm, and though I sat immobile, a deep part of my soul wanted to drink her in and forget everything I was and everything I knew. The magical kiss siphoned off the last of my pain, leaving a blissful peace behind and a yearning for something I knew was impossible.
When she drew back, her head cocked at an angle as she looked at my mouth, as if wondering, like I was, exactly how and why it had happened. But truthfully, I didn’t want to know. For the moment, I just wanted to pretend there was a beautiful girl who cared about me, who wanted to be with me. As much as I tried to ignore the reasons, a thought popped into my mind, and I felt a sense of alarm go through me. It chased away the wonder of the moment I’d just experienced.
“I don’t want to forget,” I said, assuming she was dulling more than the pain. My voice was hoarse and thick. She didn’t answer immediately and I shifted. Her hands fell away from me but I caught one and held on to it.
Finally, she answered, “I did not truly take away your pain, Sohan. At least not entirely. I’m just…just sharing it with you.” Her words were faint and uncertain. “And I will never take your memories.” As she got up and dusted her hands, I wondered if she was talking about Ren’s torture or the kiss. It turned out, I remembered them both, and truthfully, I didn’t know which one affected me more deeply.
Once we’d demolished everything in the compound except for the main structure, we took the remaining Baiga with us as we sought out their tribe. We sped forward in time for a day to give the old versions of myself, Kadam, Ren, and Kelsey time to escape, and then we walked into the Baiga camp with our recovered tribesmen.
Children ran to fathers who they’d thought dead and wives greeted husbands and sons. They remarked how fortunate they’d been to meet gods twice in as many days. The gunia stared at me thoughtfully. I’d forgotten to change my appearance, but he just bowed low and remarked on how delighted he was to see I’d found a goddess of my own. I grunted in response, and after he agreed to the relocation of his tribe, we swept the entire group, huts and all, to a different time and place.
Ana assured me that they would be well hidden and they would now be able to live out their lives in the manner they wished without the interference of the men of Kelsey’s time. I glanced around the new jungle wondering exactly when we were but decided it didn’t really matter. After using her amulet to create a year-round stream, crops, plenty of animals in the forest to hunt, and a supply of food for them, she urged them to call out to her if they had need, and she would come if at all possible.
Satisfied, we walked into the shadows of the jungle and Ana perused the list. “Do you have enough energy to accomplish one more task before we rest?” she asked.
“Depends on how long it will take,” I answered.
“I believe this one will be brief,” she said cryptically.
She reached for my hand and we were whipped away from the new jungle home of the Baiga. The ground solidified beneath my feet and a familiar cottage came into focus. “Phet’s cottage?” I frowned. “What do we need to do here?”
“It says you are to assume the role of Phet so that you may guide Kadam.”
“Wait…what?” I asked, confused.
“That’s all it says,” she answered.
Just then, Kadam came from around the corner. My heart pounded as I assumed I might have just messed up the timeline, but Kadam greeted us warmly and said, “Good. I wanted to catch you before you go in.”
“What exactly do you want us to do?” I asked.
“May I see the list, my dear?” He held out his hand to Ana and she willingly handed it over. He perused the scratched-off sections. “Excellent. You’ve been making progress,” he said. The wind kicked up, and the long grasses near the hut whispered their secrets like the hissing waves of the ocean. I wished they’d all be quiet. I was tired of mysteries wrapped in riddles.
“This is the place I meet Phet for the first time,” he said.
“I don’t understand,” I replied. “I thought you were Phet.”
“Most of the time I am. But not the first time. The first time Phet appeared, it was you.” He took in my expression and gave me a small, understanding smile. “Please, come in, and I’ll explain.”
We went into the hut and I hit my head on the entry as usual. Why someone would make a door so small, I didn’t know. The inside appeared slightly different to me than it had been the last time I was there. I remembered a sink, cupboards, jars full of ground herbs and spices, even a tub. The table and chairs were still there as were a makeshift cot and a lantern.
Now that I considered it, I didn’t remember seeing Phet’s garden or the clothesline outside. Wood had been stacked outside and there was still a small place to build a fire, but it didn’t look like the hut had been used for a very, very long time. Moss had grown over the rocks and the roof was in serious disrepair.
“What’s happened to the place?” I asked.
“Nothing,” Kadam answered. “None of the improvements you remember have been made yet.”