Misery laced Vaughn’s blissed out groan when he plunged into her body, pumping into her with jarring force, driving River’s slight body up the bed.
With the love of her life’s breath shallow and rasping in her ear, River let her eyes fall shut, arms tightening around him in a fierce hug. “See? You love me.” Her voice shook with the reverberations of Vaughn’s frantic thrusts. “You love me. I know you do.”
He proved her wrong half an hour later when he stumbled out of the room without a backward glance.
Vaughn couldn’t believe he’d let River convince him to go back to the motel. Sure, he was staying there for the time being. But River standing in the parking lot beside him was like a heart-wrenching flashback. One that was happening in real time. Making matters worse, her hand was tucked trustingly inside his. The bastard who’d ripped their future—and her delicate heart—in half the last time they’d been there together.
When they walked into his room, he watched her take a turn around the bed, the chair he’d been using as a clotheshorse. Nothing had changed since they’d stayed there. Same color scheme, furniture, and background noise. Everything had remained the same, apart from him and River. A memory of her balled up on the bed, tears staining her cheeks, moved across his consciousness, and he had to look away, setting the to-go containers on the round, wobbly table opposite the bed.
“Maybe we should have taken the booze with us, too,” Vaughn muttered, chancing a glance at River.
She raised an eyebrow, and with a little flourish, she pulled the corked bottle of wine out of her purse. “Would have been a shame to let it go to waste.”
Love pummeled him with such force, honesty escaped as though an emergency valve had been turned. When he spoke, his words were labored. “I lied.”
Her smile slipped, the bottle of wine dropping to her side. “Sorry?”
God, he thought the words would feel like rose bushes being ripped out through his throat, but having made the initial admission, the rest flowed out like water that had been dammed too long—until he saw the dawning recognition on River’s face, saw her lower herself to the bed in slow motion. “I lied that night, Riv,” he said hoarsely. “You think I could’ve stopped loving you so easily?”
She didn’t answer. Didn’t move.
“I was dying for you,” he near-shouted, falling into the single dining chair. “Don’t you see, though? That was the problem. It was always the problem. The day we met, I started sucking all the possibilities out of you. College. A job and a life outside of this town.” She was facing away from him now. There. He’d lost her for good, hadn’t he? The lie that kept on giving. “You couldn’t just move on while I was away. Or hell, see sense while I was still fucking here. You just kept running to me, and I couldn’t let myself catch you again. I had no choice that night, River. Before I left, I was bad for you. When I came back…” Vaughn shook his head. “I was flying shrapnel. I knew even less how to be the man you deserved.”
He closed his eyes and remembered the night in the Third Shift when River’s father had forced him to see sense. Forced him to admit he was killing River in his own inexcusable way. River didn’t need to know what had pushed him into the lie, though. It would only hurt her more—possibly dent her relationship with her father—and he was done causing her pain.
“So you…” River started quietly, face still turned away. “You did love me.”
Humorless laughter rattled in his chest. “You couldn’t feel it? I damn near smothered you on that bed. Jesus, I couldn’t let your mouth go long enough to give you a decent breath.” Vaughn shoved to his feet and paced to the door. “Walking out of here was like having my goddamn limbs torn off.”
When he turned around, River was standing, too, watching him across the room through luminous blue eyes. I still love you, Vaughn wanted to shout. I’d murder, sacrifice, and starve for you. But it would be too soon when he’d just ripped open the old wound.
“So you made that decision for both of us?” River murmured, rounding the bed and coming toward him. God, if she tried to get past him to the door, Vaughn couldn’t promise he wouldn’t block her, get on his knees, and beg her to stay. She didn’t attempt to exit, however, stopping instead when they were toe-to-toe. “You just decided I wouldn’t try to compromise or make our relationship all right for both of us? I’d grown up while you were gone. And we loved each other enough to make it work.”
Not enough to give you a real home. A safe, secure one. With a deed attached.
“There was no compromise. I couldn’t support you then—I didn’t know how.” He raked stiff fingers through his hair. “I made the decision I thought was best for you. You were the only thing that ever mattered.”
River opened her mouth then closed it, falling back a step in a way that made Vaughn frown. “God, I-I really want to hate you for making that decision for us, but I…”