I can never give him children.
I could never give him back the family who’d ostracized him, and I was too damaged to give him a new one—one that belonged entirely to him.
My heart wept even while my eyes remained dry.
Conversation carried on around me, but I lost track.
All I could think about was how irrevocably I’d just changed and how quickly it had happened. How swift I’d gone from singular to plural. How Elder was mine now, through and through. And I didn’t deserve him because I could never give him what he ultimately needed.
My love would never be enough.
I’ll never be enough.
Oh, God...
The pain of it.
The unfairness—
“And you? Are you enjoying Hawksridge Hall?”
The question wriggled its way inside my mind, interrupting my steamrolling thoughts. I tried to latch onto it, but I was dragged back down again.
I’d known pain. Immense, earthquaking pain.
But I’d never known something quite as sharp or quick as the heartbreak of knowing I could never give Elder a child. That this new ticking inside me was counting on a broken clock. A clock that would never be able to tell the time or deliver what I suspected was the one thing Elder wanted most in the world.
What if he eventually resented me?
Tears trickled from my heart to my eyes at the thought of not being whole. Of not being able to give him everything he needed and more.
I need to leave...
The pain just kept getting worse.
My fingernails dug into the dense fabric around my waist.
Common sense tried to snap me out of it.
Even if I could have children, I was young. Didn’t I want to continue being young? There was no rush.
I almost scoffed at the thought. For two years, I’d lived wanting nothing more than to die. Now I was living I wanted to live. I wanted to laugh every minute and smile every hour. I wouldn’t let right or wrong timelines sway my life.
Never again.
Even my mother had advised the same.
And I can’t do a damn thing about it.
“Pim?” Elder brushed his lips over my ear, wrenching me back into my exquisite gown, drenching me in threads of orchestra music, and leaving me standing before the lord and lady of this ancient manor.
I gasped, rubbing at the burning in my heart before dropping my touch protectively over a stomach that would forever be flat and useless.
Get it together.
Forget it.
You’re alive. Focus on that and stop asking for more than you deserve.
“Sorry? What?”
Elder scowled. “Are you okay?” He pulled back, planting his hands on my shoulders. “Panic attack?” His eyes scanned over my head to the ballroom still chaotic with dancers and partiers. “Shit, I didn’t think. Crowds—they’ll be too much for you.”
How funny that I hadn’t even thought about it.
I’d arrived with Selix protecting me and found Elder’s stunning face half hidden behind a rich velvet mask, and I’d been happy, not fearful.
I’d had nothing to be frightened of until this moment, and the one person I was most afraid of was me.
I was afraid of losing him because I wasn’t whole.
I was afraid of the things I would do to ensure he never knew my horrendous secret.
I was afraid of the insidious whispers of seducing him to see if the doctors were wrong. Of using him to find out one way or another if I was truly damaged beyond repair.
How far would I go if I let myself tumble down that path?
Not waiting for my reply, Elder grabbed my elbow and stomped toward the exit. “We’re leaving. This was a bad idea.”
Leave?
I couldn’t.
Not yet.
Not until I’d had time to plaster my holes together and render over them to hide the cracks.
“No, wait.” I leaned against his tug, dragging us to a standstill. “I’m fine. Sorry, my mind just drifted.”
Don’t see my lies.
Elder scowled, disbelief on his face as he peered into my eyes. “Are you sure?”
His black gaze, as usual, was far too perceptive and had an uncanny way of deep sea fishing into my soul, hooking the truth even while it did its best to wriggle away.
Forcing a smile, I nodded. “I’m sure.” I touched his wrist gently. “I keep thinking my ailments are private, but you were there when I had that panic attack on the stairs.” It wasn’t the right thing to do—bringing up our first meeting at Alrik’s once again, but I’d rather cast his mind to that terrible place than this new one I couldn’t formulate. “You gave me your jacket. You started my heart beating again. I promise on that moment that if I have another attack, I’ll tell you and beg you to take me far away where it’s just the two of us.”
And possibly never three or four.
I crushed the voice of barrenness.
His eyes tightened. His teeth sinking into his bottom lip with deliberation. He made me weak and wanting, encouraging me to fib.
“You know...” I lowered my lashes, letting some of my pain show. “You might be right. I might’ve had a tiny panic attack, but I’m fine now.” I looked up, forcing every courage and falsehood onto my face. “Truly, El.”
It took him an eternity—an eternity where I wanted to perish for deliberately lying to him—until he nodded gruffly. “Fine.”
My tongue fluttered for more fibs, needing to patch up the awkwardness between us. Only our host stepped forward, inserting himself into our conversation.
“I’m sorry for overhearing, but did you say you struggle in crowds, too?” Jethro Hawk asked in a deceptively bored voice.
My eyes narrowed, hearing more than I should in his tone. No matter the aloof politeness on his face, he couldn’t hide the sudden interest hiding there.
His wife scowled, floating closer and placing her hand on his arm as if in some subtle code to behave.
Forcing my eyes from the golden inspection of her husband, I shrugged as if this whole thing was a huge waste of time and misunderstanding. “Like anyone, I have moments of fear as well as every other emotion. Who doesn’t?”
Jethro rubbed his chin, his salt and pepper hair turning him ageless as well as wise. “Everyone does but some more so than others.”
He spoke as if he were ancient and not in his early thirties as I suspected. He phrased things in a way that hinted he wasn’t just talking about our current topic.
He unnerved me.
“Just like fear, some unlucky people have endured more trauma in their past than others.” I shot back, unwilling to let him win. I didn’t know why my hackles rose when he stared at me. My back prickled as if he could see more than he should. As if he understood exactly why I’d gone so quiet and why my heart raced so sickly now.
“Trauma can come in many forms, no doubt about that.” His wife smiled.