Selix didn’t reply.
Elder answered his own pondering. “I always knew they were into trafficking. I was too young to fully understand how deep their ring went, but what if they know Pim was sold? What if they were the ones who sold her? What if they’re not only chasing me for breaking my oath but also chasing her to take her back?”
I stumbled away from the wall as a sudden vicious, vicious panic attack hit from nowhere.
The thought of unknown strangers.
A faction filled with heartless slavers.
Ripping me from Elder’s safety.
Selling me to yet another life of misery.
I almost passed out from sick, icy fear.
My heart stopped beating.
My throat closed up.
Elder and Selix continued to speak, but I couldn’t listen anymore.
I was seconds away from collapsing to my knees and having a full-blown relapse.
Using the wall as support, I half-stumbled, half-bolted toward the elevator. There, I punched the button while clawing at my throat for air as the silver doors slid open and I threw myself in.
Please, please, please.
Breathless, careless, I barely managed to press the floor number before my knees gave out and I landed on them with a painful crunch.
I didn’t know if the lift moved or if the doors closed or if I was still alone.
All I knew was Alrik
and classical music
and whips
and chains
and blood
and agony
and begs
and the knowledge that if anyone, anyone, tried to do that to me again, I wouldn’t hesitate to see how bad my fate would be.
I would slit my wrists, eat a bullet, jump into the vast, vast ocean and be done with it.
I would say no.
No to the Chinmoku.
No to evil.
No!
My lungs struggled to convert air into oxygen, granting a much needed gulp, mixing with suffocation. My back rounded as I landed on all fours, gulping for more, noticing tears dripped down my cheeks, landing on the floor. My recent bruises from Harold’s kicks and fists swelled into an orchestra of old injuries—reminding me all over again that just because I ignored the pain didn’t mean it wasn’t there...haunting me.
The elevator opened, revealing the rose-gold accents of my corridor, beckoning sanctuary.
Hauling myself to my feet, I swiped at the tears, opened my mouth wide for scraps of oxygen, and hugged myself as tremors and shivers added to the quick attack.
I thought I was through with them.
That every day away from such events patched up the final holes in my damaged psyche.
I hated that I was so weak the very thought of going back to where I’d come from was enough to shove me straight into suicide all over again.
I entered my room, closed the door, and collapsed on the floor against it. I gave into the sobs and allowed the rest of my attack to take me.
I wasn’t weak knowing I would rather die than survive that again. I was selfish because I understood what life and love should be like. I was grateful to have a comparison.
It wasn’t weak to know my limits.
It was strength because now I knew where the lines were drawn. How far I could be pushed and how far I could bend before I broke.
If what Elder suspected was true, I wanted every last Chinmoku to die the most horrific, agonising death. In a way, I wanted Elder to pay for the small part he’d played as their errand boy, no matter how young and na?ve he was.
Guilt infected me at the thought.
The Chinmoku had stolen his life just the way they’d stolen mine. They’d taken his brother and father and banished him from his family. They’d taken my mother and made me vanish from girl to toy.
If what Elder said was true, we both had a reason to fight.
One thing was for certain, I wouldn’t let him go to battle on his own, and I wouldn’t waste any more time pining for something he wasn’t ready to give.
Worst things still existed out there.
Leaning against the door, my eyes climbed upward until I stared at the new lock above my head.
I would never use it to lock Elder out.
I would never treat him with suspicion or coldness.
But for now...I reached up and turned it.
The soft click of the barrier helped eradicate the rest of my panic attack, and I inhaled a shaky breath.
The lock was both symbol and real.
I didn’t lock out Elder.
I didn’t lock out bad memories or future perils or any other nightmare the world had to offer.
I locked out my fear.
I locked out my panic attacks.
I finally managed to say...no more.
I’d had enough.
If the Chinmoku were hunting us...let them come.
They would be the ones dying, not us.
Chapter Fifteen
Elder
SHE DID AS I asked.
Locked.
Sighing, I pressed my forehead against her door. My fingers trailed from the unturnable handle and up the lacquered wood, wishing it was Pim I touched.
What did I expect?
Three a.m. and I hadn’t been to see her all day. After hours of strategizing with Selix, I wasn’t good company. It was out of chivalry that I kept my distance. She didn’t deserve my strung-out temper.
Were the Chimmoku involved in her selling or had my mind finally cracked—running around a maze with no answers, bumping into theories, ricocheting off dead ends.
I honestly didn’t know anymore.
It didn’t mean I wasn’t desperate to see her, though.
The wood of her door was smooth beneath my fingers as I rested my forehead against it and breathed for the first time all day.
I let go of my stress and worry and guilt and stood outside her room, finding a scrap of peace just by being near her.
Ever since my brain decided to figure out who had accessed her police record, I couldn’t think about anything else. I couldn’t stop searching with binoculars to see if the Chinmoku sailed behind us. I couldn’t stop checking the weapons cache, ensuring guns and other firepower were in good working order in case of an ocean siege.
I was fucking exhausted from patrolling the Phantom and seeking out any weaknesses. The hull was enforced with carbon fibre. The framework with titanium. Bullet-proof armoured plating encased each of the bedrooms, and the missile defense system was top of the line. If it was a war they wanted, my yacht would stand up to whatever weaponry they had. But if it was Pim they wanted, then I would rip them limb from fucking limb.
I would turn savage and not just shoot them as I’d planned.
They’d taken my family.
There’s no way in hell they’re taking her, too.
For the second time in days, I came face to face with the thought of not having Pim in my life. Leaving her in Monaco showed me the agony I would endure knowing she lived in the same world as me, talking to others, smiling at others, falling in love with others.
That was brutal enough.
But the thought of the Chinmoku taking her, selling her, hurting her....It showed me a horror I couldn’t even contemplate, let alone survive. I raged at the thought of them killing her, of her not talking to others, smiling at others, falling in love with others.
Of not falling in love with me.
Of blank eyes and lost soul.