When you’re both looking over the menu and trying to decide what you want and if he orders the same exact item as you, flip the table and run out of there as fast as possible to escape that psychopath. Even if this is a date, you don’t need that bullshit in your life. What kind of person sits down at a restaurant with another person and orders the same exact thing? This is a restaurant, homie! There are so many options! If I’m ordering something you want, it’s your duty as an AMERICAN to get the second-most-desired item so that we can have both! Are you even serious right now? You think Jay Z and Beyoncé go to restaurants and order the same meal?! Deduct one thousand points! If he has some human decency and orders a different meal for both of you to enjoy, then I guess you can add ten points. It’s lasagna. Not an engagement ring. Don’t get crazy.
Here’s the part of the game that really fucks with me. The question-and-answer portion of the Maybe Date. Flirty dude will ask, “So, you seeing anyone lately?” Obviously, the answer isn’t yes . . . yet. Really, you don’t know yet. You could be seeing this dude, but the game isn’t over yet so we don’t know. If your answer is no, flirty dude will ask why, and asking why someone is single is an insane question to ask! It’s always a trick! Like I’m really going to answer, “Because I have a rancid personality! That’s why!” So what do you say to the question of whether or not you’re seeing someone? You say, “Lately, I’ve been focused on walking in my purpose, you know? I’m just out here reading books, going to church, and saying YES to life right now.” What does it mean? Nothing! But it doesn’t mean yes and it doesn’t mean no. One hundred points for you (US!). Then flirty dude will say some stuff about relationships, and I guess you should listen or whatever, but your appetizer is probably in front of you by now so don’t hesitate to ignore any warning signs, red flags, or genuinely interesting things flirty dude might have to say and dive right into that fried calamari. Then flirty dude will ask how work’s going. If you’re me, and I am me, this is when you really start paying attention. This is usually where it all comes together for me. I may humble-brag my way through how tiring being on the number-one show in the country is and how it’s a lot of work and how, yeah, Japan was great and I loved it and can’t wait to go back but it’s so great to finally sleep in my own bed for once. Whatever he says after that will determine whether or not this is a date. What he says next will move us into the lightning round. What would be great is if his next line was something like “I want to travel more,” “What’s your favorite country?” “My favorite trip was such and such,” or whatever, as long as it keeps the conversation going. Give this guy fifty points! On the flip side, what usually happens to me is he’ll say, “You’re busy. I hope you’re not too busy to come to Haiti to shoot my documentary,” or “I hope you’re not too busy to take a look at the pilot I just wrote,” or “Wow! I want to go with you! Let me know when you’re going again! You can hire me to carry your bags! Whatever I got to do.” Even worse is “Damn! Let me know if you need a date for the next award show. I would love to go with you. I can’t wait to meet Taraji P. Henson. That’s my wife right there! I want to meet celebrities. You’re so lucky.” Deduct one million points. This is not a date! This is a networking meeting.
I’ve been on all of these linkups over and over, and I’ve played so many rounds of “Is This a Date?” that I’m paranoid. So, really, I lose the game before I even start to play. I haven’t crunched the numbers on how much of that is actually my own fault, but I’d still like to go ahead and place the blame squarely on flirty dude. You smile at me and make me feel like a normal girl even though I have known my entire life that I am not normal. You ask me out and then you try to be friends with me. You’re nice to me. What the hell is that about? You know I’m not normal! What are you doing? I’m a celebrity! Life should be hella dope for me in all ways! Chocolate cake shows up for me when I didn’t order it! Why can’t someone who’s interested in me, not in my career, show up for me, too? Why do all these super-eligible bachelors just want to be my friend? New rule! If you don’t want to bone me, you’re not allowed to be nice to me. Be super mean to me so that we both know at all times if this is a date or not. I’m sick of playing.
It’s clear that I’m more cracked than the Liberty Bell. That’s probably the real reason I’m single. The weird part is, I’m fine. I know I said some things that would make me seem like the opposite of fine, but I’m good. I’m not even lonely. I’m sure you’ll read this and begin to see me as a stressed-out woman who spends her Friday nights alone with her twelve cats, researching restaurant menus before going to bed with one of those weird pillows with a man’s arm sewn onto it to hug you back. That’s weird. I won’t deny that I love cats and menus, but that pillow is what nightmares are made of. I usually spend my Friday nights out with my friends. Or I spend them at home writing. Most important, I spend my Friday nights doing whatever I want to do. I know that if I had a boyfriend or, even worse, a husband, I’d spend my Friday nights compromising. I don’t think I really want to do that yet. One of my favorite things to do is randomly go on out-of-town trips and not let anyone know where I’m going. I once had a boyfriend who would get mad at me every time I left town but would make no plans to hang out with me when I was around. So I stopped telling him where I’d gone. He found that to be disrespectful. Made me feel like a baller, though. I can be anywhere in the world at any time and it’s really only my business. I like that kind of freedom. Life just got interesting for me. Making big decisions on my own without having to think of some dude’s feelings is pretty much my jam right now. I don’t miss having a boyfriend most of the time, and I don’t care anymore if this is a date or not. I’m just really into walking in my purpose and saying yes to life right now. Ya know?
14
Another Psychic Told Me So
You should really get into film and television.
—the psychic I saw a month ago
MY FRIEND CRYSTAL AND I were walking around in Manhattan. We were in that weird phase when you’re done being a kid but you’re not a full adult yet. If we had a weekend off from college, we were too old to spend it at an arcade or in Times Square under the window of Total Request Live. (Remember TRL? We used to cut class and hang out there to get a glimpse of pop stars. Obviously, we were so cool!) But we were too young to have a boozy brunch and get our nails done. So we window-shopped. This one day, a woman approached us and touched my arm, stopping us.
“I’m sorry. I know this is weird, but I just had to stop you and tell you that I see a very bright future for you.”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“I’m a psychic and I can see in your eyes that you’re going to be a very important person. I don’t usually stop people on the street like this, but I just had to tell you that you’re really special.”
I looked at Crystal. We shared an expression of suspicion and intrigue.