My Twitter took some time to set up. Like an hour. By the time I was done, I already had two followers. Things were looking up already! But I thought it would be weird if I said to just those two people, “Hey, um . . . that thing about me and Emma Roberts is a lie. Just FYI.” So I had to gain followers somehow. I told my friends to follow me and they did and they retweeted me, and I had to follow them and then also some celebrities I didn’t think would be too annoying to hear from every few minutes. Then I had to post pictures to prove that it was really me, and then I had to read each comment and tweet I received. American Horror Story has a huge fan base so the fans were excited to get to talk to me. I still thought this was weird. If I had to be a celebrity in order to be an actor, I preferred to be the kind in a glass tower you couldn’t talk to. What was so bad about that? But it turned out that talking to fans was pretty cool. Quickly, Twitter was super fun. I got distracted. Before I knew it, days had gone by and I’d forgotten to dispel the Emma rumor. When I woke up, the first thing I did was check Twitter to see if anyone had been mean to me during the night. (I was always afraid that someone had said something nasty to me right after I fell asleep and that people would see it and agree for eight hours or so before I woke up and could block that person.) Then I checked for who had been nice to me. Then I’d either like that person’s tweet or just silently nod my head in agreement: Yes! I do have great skin. Then I’d check the verified tab to see if any celebrities had followed me during the night. (I wish the checking didn’t fill me with butterflies the way it does, but it does! Leave me alone!) Then I would get out of bed and go pee. I was hooked on Twitter.
The best part of Twitter is live tweeting. I can live tweet anything! When American Horror Story was on every Wednesday night at 10 p.m., my phone was basically glued to my hands. I loved seeing what the fans of the show were saying about it. I couldn’t wait to see their tweets about the scariest death scenes or the shocking love scenes that then turned into scary death scenes. It was sort of like being on stage in a play with a rude audience yelling things every few words. Oh! I know! It was just like being a guest on The Jerry Springer Show! It was exciting and fascinating to see the audience react in real time.
Eventually I did dispel the rumor that Emma Roberts and I were in a fight. I posted a picture of us together with the caption:
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
Emma and I are in a feud?! You sure? #ThatsMyHomeGirl #AintNobodyFuckinwitMyClique
9:19 AM—4 Nov 2013
See? All good. I wanted to post a caption like “You got beef, Emma? Meet me at the playground at three o’clock and we’ll settle this! P.S., Ya momma!” Emma and I would laugh about it, but our followers wouldn’t get it.
Twitter is stupid. There are so many truly clever and smart people on Twitter who get the joke and make the joke. They know that Twitter is not to be taken seriously. I’m one of those people. I think Twitter is for saying dumb stuff as soon as it pops into your head. But a ton of my followers don’t share my sense of humor. Do you even know how funny I’d be if my followers weren’t so sensitive and unfunny? Whenever I post something that makes me laugh, I get a bunch of comments like “That’s horrible! You’re not better than anyone else! You need to start putting God first! You are so ungrateful!” and I’m all, like, “Chill! I just think it’d be funny if this dog had a mustache.” What’s equally annoying is when I tell a joke about how terrible a person I am and some of my followers think I really feel that way and tweet their support as if I’m about to jump off the ledge of a building: “Gabby, no! You are a QUEEN! You are seriously the reason I get up out of bed every day! You are so important to me! I love you so much! If I were there with you, I’d hold you in my arms!” That’s sweet . . . thanks . . . I was kidding. I realize I’m not really as bad as Hitler because I double-dipped a chip.
What’s the solution to a problem like this? I don’t think there is a solution. There’s hardly a problem. Not everyone in the world shares my sense of humor. That’s how the world works. People are different. If we were all the same, we’d all be making out with one another all the time and we’d never get anything done. I understand that some people don’t get the joke, so whenever I want to tweet something risky, I make a note of it instead in the notepad of my phone and I keep it. I don’t tweet it.
Here’s a list of some of my thoughts that were too funny to tweet:
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
My New Year’s resolution is to start asking Uber drivers to not talk to me without sounding like a bitch . . . fuck it. It’s impossible.
(Listen. I wear big-ass headphones over my ears for a reason! I can’t hear Beyoncé over your talking about how you got way into gardening and driving around strangers after your youngest left for college in the spring. I mean that’s cool and everything, but I’m on my way to the gyno, and I just want to sit here, think my thoughts, and get in formation to receive a stranger’s hand in my lady parts. There’s no nice way to say this!)
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
I wish that money equaled love so that instead of seeing my family I could just give them ten dollars.
(Yo . . . it’s becoming harder and harder to actively love people. You have to pay attention to them when they speak and ask follow-up questions. Wouldn’t it be nice to just slip your dad twenty bucks instead of discussing the widow he met on eHarmony?)
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
I love scenes with Andrea and her grandma cuz they’re both the same age. #BeverlyHills90210
(I didn’t watch Beverly Hills 90210 when it was on because I was in elementary school and that’s what all the cool girls in my class watched and I was against everything they were into. Turns out, it is a pretty entertaining show, but I’m still glad I waited. Andrea was clearly older than all the other students at that school, but to be fair, they all looked like they were in their early forties. I say that as someone who played a teenager until I was thirty. Also, I never want to tweet something that might hurt someone’s feelings and Gabrielle Carteris has always been hella nice to me.)
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
It’s 6 p.m. and I just remembered that it’s Christmas. It’s called being a sad lonely adult!
(Christmas is not a time for family when you’re a single adult with no kids in your family. What are we doing? Just eating a baked chicken and staring at one another? Fuck outta here. I gotta go be lonely somewhere else. Bye, Mom.)
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
I know that babies stare at me cuz they’re curious or whatever, but I still kinda want to fight them. #RudeAssBaby
(Your baby is the worst and you know it.)
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
I have yet to confirm or deny any love for Adele.
(The weird part about having fans who feel like they could be friends with me is that they want me to like all the same things and people they like. I’m not saying I don’t love Adele. I just don’t want to confirm it for you so that you can feel close to me. When you sit in your bathtub, crying, eating an entire Entenmann’s cake while listening to “Hello,” don’t call on your image of me to get you through that, baby girl. Take that time for yourself. I’ll be waiting for you to talk about happy things when you’re done.)
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
Seriously! What the fuck is James Franco’s deal?! I’m sick of it, James! SICK OF IT!
(I don’t think I need to explain this to you. Fucking James Franco thinks he can do anything!)
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
Oprah is being completely unrealistic about Weight Watchers. Counting points is not a game. THIS IS MY LIFE, OPRAH!!!
(There’s nothing I find funnier than Oprah. Oprah is the greatest gift God has given to this world. By “God” I mean “Oprah,” of course. Oprah has given us the gift of Oprah. Praise Oprah. May Oprah be with you.)
Gabby SidiBae
@GabbySidibe
I say the phrase “You Bitch! I’ll kill you! I’ll murder your whole family!” entirely too much even though I’m laughing when I’m saying it. I just know it’s gonna bite me in the ass one day.
(Truly, I should stop threatening to kill people when I don’t really mean it. That’s what got O. J. Simpson caught up. Of course I’m kidding again; O. J. did it . . . allegedly . . . obviously . . . I mean allegedly.)
Gabby SidiBae