“My greatest fear? Nish, this whole place is one huge fear fest!”
“You don’t understand. This is the final thing the nightmare world is keeping from you—it’s the blow that breaks you.” Her voice grows rough, and she clears her throat.
Deke’s death must’ve been the last memory she recovered. Her greatest fear was probably a future without him.
“That’s why some people never awaken from a Sumber dose,” she explains. “And I think that’s probably why you’re still here.”
The person I’ve forgotten clouds my mind again. The one I expected to see at the hospital . . .
The elevator opens.
We raise our weapons quickly but step out slowly. The metal doors shut behind us, and we find ourselves in the place that was literally and figuratively the brightest point of my time on Elara. It’s the highest peak in the whole compound, a wide room with windowed walls that curve to form a windowed ceiling.
The solarium.
Silver starlight glints across the collection of moonstone statues that are modeled after our Holy Mothers, and written across the floor beneath them is the Zodai axiom: Trust Only What You Can Touch. Any fantasies I ever had about the future were born in this room.
“No way out again,” says Nishi, and I realize she’s right—the only exit is the elevator. And its doors are opening again.
“Hide,” I whisper, and I pull Nishi into the collection of stone statues. I place her behind Mother Crae, and then I hide behind the neighboring sculpture of Mother Origene. I’m in the exact spot where Mathias used to sit when he meditated.
I rest the Ripple against my shoulder, and from the corner of my eye I see Nishi aiming her gun at the elevator as our pursuer steps into the silver light.
I can’t tell if the gasp is mine or Nishi’s.
The creature’s legs are as thin as sticks, and tucked into its sides are great feathery wings. It’s the one-eyed bird-man.
Its beak is still steeped in blood, and adorning its head is a crown of pointy thorns—they’re the arrows it’s been shooting at us. Trying to steady my nerves, I lean out the slightest bit and aim my weapon at its chest.
When I see that Nishi’s also in position, I shout, “Now!” We fire at the same time, and the bird-man immediately goes down.
We approach it carefully, and Nishi hangs back, her pistol pointed at its head, while I make sure it’s really dead.
I lean over its cloaked body slowly . . . and it rears up and launches at me.
We crash to the floor, where the creature easily overpowers me. Pinned down, I feel strong hands wrapping around my neck—not wings, but human hands. Blackness drowns my vision as I choke, and my pulse echoes in my ears, my throat afire—
A bullet goes off, and my attacker’s hands fall away.
He slumps to the side, and through my blurry vision I see Nishi, her chest rising and falling with adrenaline, her face set in a warrior’s scowl.
“Stellar,” I say hoarsely, and she reaches down and pulls me up. I rub my throat as we stare at the human man beneath us, facedown on the floor.
“Let’s flip him,” I say. Nishi takes his feet and I grab his shoulders, and together we turn him over.
Nishi gasps, but I don’t understand.
I stare at each individual feature like it’s a clue: the blond curls, the sun-kissed skin, the open and glassy green eyes.
Then I blink, and all at once the pieces come together.
And I scream.
5
DESPAIR DROWNS ME, AND I remember the Cathedral, watching my brother and Aryll roll around on the bone floor, struggling to overtake each other. I see Hysan and Mathias running to help Stan, but they’re too late.
There’s no cry or gunshot or blood—there’s only Stan’s pale green eyes as they turn toward me, lifeless.
My heart howls in agony, and it feels like every bone in my body is breaking. I’m coming apart bit by bit, painfully, permanently, and even if the heartbreak doesn’t kill me, it doesn’t matter, because I’ll never recover.
I’ve already lost everything I loved in the Zodiac. My brother, my home, my House. Returning to reality would be the true nightmare now. I’m safer in here, where the horrors aren’t real.
“It’s okay, Rho, it’s okay, calm down. . . .”
Nishi’s murmurs of reassurance blow softly into my ear, and as her voice comes into focus, I register that I’m on the floor, sobbing hysterically beside my brother’s body, held up only by my best friend’s arms.
“It’s going to be okay, I promise,” she goes on gently. “This isn’t real. Don’t let this place destroy you, Rho. I need you. Please, focus—this is just another nightmare.”
Nishi’s presence is proof I was wrong—I do have a reason to return.
Just one.
“He—Aryll—killed him,” I spit out between sobs, my teeth chattering and limbs shivering. “The master told Aryll to take my mom, and my brother attacked him to try to save her. But I don’t even know if she—if she made it out—” My muscles feel gelatinous, and I sink down further until my head is pressed into Nishi’s chest cavity.
She inhales sharply. “You mean, he’s actually . . . oh, Rho. I’m so sorry,” she breathes, her voice choking with her own sobs.
“I don’t want to go back,” I say, shaking my head vehemently against her. “I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back—”
“Shhhh,” says Nishi, stroking my hair and holding me tighter to her. “Rho, you’re the bravest, strongest, most fearless person I know—”
“No, I’m not, Nish! I’m not. I’m foolish and na?ve and a coward!” The last word comes out as a shout, and it scrapes my throat.
But still I can’t lower my volume. “When I was young, my mom trained me to trust my fears, and it’s all I’ve ever done! It doesn’t matter if I leave this place or stay here—either way, my fears always rule me. At least this world is more honest about it!”
“You’re wrong, Rho. In here, you can only run from your fears. Out there you can face them.”
Her wisdom reminds me painfully of Stan. He always believed I was strong enough to face my fears, but he never knew he was the source of that strength. Because I never told him.
I should have been there for him sooner. I stopped being a kid long ago, but I kept expecting Stan to treat me like one, to watch over me and love me and protect me unconditionally. But who was there to protect him?
“Rho, you couldn’t save him,” says Nishi, like she knows exactly what I’m thinking. The way she reads my thoughts reminds me of the way Stan and I used to understand each other’s minds, and my heart hurts so much that I have to gasp to catch my breath.
“Remember that this was all Aryll’s doing,” she insists.