“And you’re enabling my addiction.”
“Or,” he says, leaning in, “maybe I just want to give you everything you want.”
Fire rushes to her pale cheeks, but to her credit, she keeps her composure. “How . . . how do you think Rho is doing?”
Mathias’s brow furrows down and his lightheartedness is replaced with something heavier. I could slap Pandora for ruining her own moment by bringing me up.
“I don’t think even she realizes how much she’s suffering,” he says. “She’s protecting herself from fully feeling the loss of her brother. And she’s only making it worse for herself when she finally confronts her pain.”
I bite my inner cheek so I won’t scream.
Mathias hasn’t mentioned Nishi once.
“Do you remember when Corinthe tried using me to get you to denounce Rho?” whispers Pandora, and my breathing stalls.
Mathias doesn’t answer, but the color drains from his features, making his dark blue eyes stand out even more.
“Afterwards,” she goes on, “while you were setting my shoulders back in place, you told me a story to distract me from the pain. It was about a boy who was in love with a girl he knew he could never have, and yet every day, he woke up and watched her. Even though he knew the more he watched, the harder he’d fall, and the more he’d hurt . . . he couldn’t help himself.
“You said pain is one of the side effects of love—we can’t feel one without suffering the other.”
He nods, just barely, and murmurs, “I remember.”
“Rho loved her brother more than most people will ever love anyone,” she says, her voice feathery soft. “I don’t think she’s pushing away her pain. I think she’s drowning in it.”
I walk away before I can hear more, and once I’m close to Skarlet I deactivate my Veil. While waiting for her to finish another round of chugging, I scan the crowd and spot Hysan. He’s speaking with a group of people, but he keeps lifting his gaze, like he’s searching for someone. He’s not going to let me go.
“He’s a great kisser, isn’t he?”
I turn to see Skarlet, her smile sloppy and her face shiny. She seems delighted to have caught me off guard, which works for me—if she thinks she got under my skin, that’s all the pretext I need to get under hers.
“Maybe you should quit drooling over Hysan and start spending your time on the people of your own House,” I say, raising my voice so the nearest Zodai—two Ariean Majors, a Taurian Promisary, and a Leonine Lionheart—can hear me.
“What in Helios is that supposed to mean?” she asks, slurring her words slightly.
“It means your Zodai have this amazing life on this planet, but I’ve been to Phaetonis, and I’ve seen how the rest of your people live. In shacks, surrounded by the smell of death and decay—did you not think they might appreciate a place like this?”
“Who do you think built the train system and the Hippodrome and all that stuff on Phaetonis?” she demands, and a Strident from Scorpio and a Minister from Virgo come closer, intrigued by the conversation. “The Majors have tried to promote diplomacy for resolving conflicts, but our people have always preferred war. We’re fiery tempered, and we need to let off steam often. It’s just our nature!”
I shake my head sadly. “The other Houses used to feel sorry for you. How you’re one of the poorest Houses, how your Zodai were exiled from governance, how your Guardian was under house arrest—and yet all this time, you’ve been in control behind the scenes, living in this paradise. I guess no world is what it seems.”
“It is pretty selfish,” injects the Taurian. “I mean, your people are dirt poor, and you’ve just abandoned them—”
“She’s right, though! Arieans are all hotheaded,” argues the Scorp. “You can’t help them if they don’t help themselves.”
“Who the hell are you calling hotheaded, you ugly arachnid?” asks a burly male Major.
The whole group dissolves into a rowdy argument, and now that I’ve kindled the flame, I let the people around me fan it—helped along by all the alcohol, of course—until most of the party is embroiled in debate. I activate my Veil, but before making my way up to the mountain I turn toward the Everblaze.
All the noise evaporates as I step into its black flames.
The fire crackles around me as it tickles my skin, and I close my eyes. I access my Center and start numbering the seconds, until I’m buzzing too hard to keep count. My Ring starts to burn, and blood begins to boil in my veins, but the heat feels good. Even as it scorches my organs and destroys my insides, I don’t mind, because it’s a change from the numbness.
Let it burn and consume all I am. . . .
Except it if does, who will save Nishi?
Without Deke or me, who will care enough to go after her?
The fire has become so painful that I can’t move my feet. I would scream if I could summon my voice, but my lungs are gone, too, and my knee joints give out until I drop to the grass.
I’m dying and I’m invisible, and no one will find me.
I think only of Nishi as I feel myself fall, only the drop isn’t physical—I’m descending to an even deeper Center. Light blasts through the darkness of my mind, until I See a familiar wizened face, her skin so wrinkled it looks sun-dried.
Moira?
The vision vanishes, and the Psynergy chokes me until I’m gagging. I claw at the ground, digging my nails into the grass as I drag myself forward.
The sound blasts back on when at last I make it out.
People are still partying, none of them aware that I’m dying at their feet. I curl into a fetal position, taking in raking breaths until the cool air finally reaches my lungs. And by the time I stand up, all the effects of the fire have worn off, healing as swiftly as Ochus’s Psynergy wounds.
Breathless and invisible, I climb uphill into the woods, away from the party and toward the hulking mountain. When I’m at the edge of the tree line, far from the wasted crowd, I turn back to take one last look at the world I’m leaving behind.
And that’s when Hysan unVeils before me.
16
HIS EYES ARE DARK AND EXPLOSIVE.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t know?” asks Hysan as he deactivates my invisibility. He must have unlinked our collars so I wouldn’t see him tailing me. A medley of emotions swirls in his green-gold irises, and I know he’s already read everything on my face. All the secrets I thought I’d been so carefully concealing.
“So because you’ve lost loved ones, it’s over?” he goes on, as a chilly breeze blows between us. “What about everyone else who’s lost family and friends to this war? Are their sacrifices less meaningful than yours?”