I can’t believe I feel that way—?it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. David was, not that long ago—?only a few weeks, really—?the last guy in the entire school I wanted anywhere near me. And now it’s almost unbearable that he’s walking away from me like we have nothing to do with each other. I could help him. I know I could. If he’d let me.
But David cares about his brother the way I care about Ivy—?fiercely and entirely. And now Ethan’s going to be sent away because he ran, and he ran because Ivy broke his heart, and Ivy broke his heart because I didn’t know she was gay and kept pushing them together.
And I know that as much as David likes me—?and he does like me—?or at least he did until two days ago—?he won’t be able to look at me again without seeing the cause of Ethan’s being sent away. David will ache for his brother every single day. And I’ll be the person who made him ache.
We can’t be friends. Not if Ethan gets sent away.
“Chloe? Why are you just standing here?”
I turn. It’s Sarah.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m really out of it today.” I’m trying to sound like myself, but it’s hard. I’m too depressed to pretend to be all lighthearted and carefree right now. Usually I can pull it off. But not right now.
“That’s what you said yesterday.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just a little overwhelmed by life, I guess.”
She pats my arm gently. “Do you want me to speak to James for you? I really think he’d be open to talking things out.”
“Thanks,” I say. “But I’m okay.” If I weren’t so on edge, I might actually laugh—?it’s almost funny how wrong she is about what’s upsetting me.
Thirty
MOM AND IVY get home around five. Before I can even greet them, Ivy runs past me, her face red and unhappy. I can hear her heavy footsteps thumping rapidly up the stairs.
“What’s going on?” I ask Mom.
“I have no idea. She wouldn’t say a word in the car, but something was obviously upsetting her. She kept muttering to herself and, you know . . .” She mimes hitting her hip with the ball of her right hand.
“I’ll see if I can get anything out of her.”
“Thanks.” Mom drops into a chair. “I was just too exhausted to try. I’m going to rest for a minute and try to figure out something for dinner tonight.”
“It’s an exciting life you lead.” I start to head out of the kitchen. “Oh, wait—?I didn’t tell you about Ethan. The police found him.”
“Oh, thank God,” Mom says fervently. “Is he okay?”
“Sort of?” I tell her what David said, and she shivers.
“What a nightmare. If Ivy were out there on her own, for any reason . . . She’s such an innocent. It’s terrifying.”
“We need to work on her independence,” I say. “Start making her do more and more stuff on her own and make sure she learns to find her way safely home from anywhere without us. So this never happens to her.”
“We should,” Mom says with a weary sigh. “Someday.”
I find Ivy in our bedroom, walking in circles on the rug, one hand hammering and hammering against her thigh, the other weaving through the air in spirals. She suddenly slaps hard at her forehead.
“Don’t do that!” I go to her and take both her hands in mine and squeeze them tightly. “What’s going on? Why are you upset?”
“I’m not upset.” Her eyes dart around the room blindly.
“Yeah, right. And I’m not Chloe.”
“You’re being sarcastic.”
“Tell me what’s wrong. I might be able to help.”
She pulls her hands away, shaking her head.
“Come on. Tell me. If you want me to keep it a secret, I will.”
She hesitates, her body trembling with tension, and then she drops her head and whispers, “Diana doesn’t like me.”
Oh, crap. “Why do you say that? You guys had fun together the other day.”
Ivy shakes her head. “She doesn’t like me the way I like her.”
“How do you know?”
“I tried to kiss her.”
“Wow.” I sit down on the edge of my bed. “You move fast.”
She flutters her hands anxiously. “Do you think I shouldn’t have done that?”
“I don’t know. What led up to it?”
“What do you mean?”
“What made you decide to kiss her?”
“I wanted to.” Her hands are back to their repetitive motions.
“But where were you when it happened? What were you doing?”
“It was break. We were outside. We were just walking around the yard. I said she was pretty and she said thank you and then I held her hand and then we walked like that and then we stopped because we were at the fence and then I tried to kiss her on the cheek but she moved away and said don’t do that.”
“Maybe she’s just not into kissing?”
She flails her arms. “But I said I liked her and we should go out like you and James used to go out. And she said we can’t because we’re both girls. So I said, yes you can if you’re gay and I’m gay. And she said that gay people aren’t normal and could we go back to the main yard now. And she wouldn’t hold my hand anymore. I tried but she wouldn’t let me.”
“Oh, Ivy, I’m sorry.” I get up and put my arms around her. She averts her head but doesn’t push me away. “It hurts to be rejected. I know.”
“How do you know?”
“I’ve had my own rejections.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“I don’t know. I mean . . . I might not have rushed into a kiss quite that quickly.”
She twists away from me.
“But it doesn’t really matter,” I say. “I don’t think you and Diana were meant to be, anyway.”
“Meant to be what?”
“Together. If she’s not gay, she’s probably not going to feel comfortable going out with a girl, even one she likes a lot.”
“She could be bisexual.”
“It doesn’t sound like she is.”
“Maybe she just doesn’t like me.”
“I’m sure she does, Ivy. How could she not?”
“She said gay people aren’t normal.”
“Well, that’s just wrong. Not to mention mean.”
Ivy sinks down on her bed and huddles her arms and legs together like she’s trying to shrink down to nothing. “It’s not fair. I love her, but she doesn’t love me.”
“It happens a lot. Listen to the radio—?every song is about that.”
“This is real.”